If Jack had thought the council chamber was chaotic before, he was wrong.
Because right now, it looked like somebody had thrown a Twilight fanfic, a WWE pay-per-view, and a drunken bachelorette party into a blender and hit turbo.
The combatants?
Karen Wolfowitz, Alpha of the Werewolves, built like an Amazon with rage issues.
Love Dick, vampire seductress extraordinaire, armed with claws, heels, and sass sharper than any sword.
Selene Nightrose, the ice-cold aristocrat, elegant enough to drink blood from a champagne flute mid-duel.
Roxy Fangbreaker, feral wolf-warrior, practically foaming at the mouth.
Seraphina Kane, legendary huntress, crossbow in one hand, smirk in the other.
All of them, every single one, circling Jack like lions fighting over the last steak at a barbecue.
Jack, hands still cuffed, squeaked: "Okay, timeout! Ladies, I'm flattered. Really. But if we could not kill each other in front of me like I'm the grand prize at Chuck E. Cheese, that'd be great."
Nobody listened.
Karen lunged at Selene, claws out. Selene ducked with aristocratic grace and slapped her with enough force to crack marble. Love Dick pounced on Seraphina, shrieking, "You can't have him, he's mine!" Roxy leapt into the pile like a linebacker at the Super Bowl.
The chamber exploded into Battle Royale: Simp Edition.
Jack dove behind a pillar, muttering, "Oh God. I'm not a person anymore. I'm a human-shaped trophy. A participation medal with a pulse."
Meanwhile, the male elites of the three factions—giant werewolf alphas, vampire warlords, hunter generals—watched the chaos in stunned silence.
Finally, one of them spoke.
A hulking, scarred werewolf named Brutus Fangmaul rumbled, "Bro… this loser has women fighting to the death over him."
A towering vampire knight, Lord Magnus Bloodbane, nodded gravely. "He must be… legendary."
A hunter commander with more scars than brain cells, Brick Ironjaw, folded his arms. "Guy's a goddamn chad."
The three stared at Jack.
Jack blinked back at them. "Wait. Me? Legendary? I literally cried over a $5 late fee last week."
But they didn't hear him. They were already striding forward, the ground trembling under their combined swagger.
"Human," Magnus intoned, kneeling. "We've seen your power. You made women of three nations lose their minds. We acknowledge you."
Brutus thumped his chest. "Swear brotherhood with us."
Brick jabbed a thumb at his own chest. "From today on, you're our Big Bro."
Jack's jaw hit the floor. "Wait, what? No, no, no. I'm not—this isn't—"
Brutus shoved a ceremonial dagger into his hand. "Cut palms. Bond of blood."
Jack yelped as his hand was sliced, then yanked into a three-way handshake that could have crushed steel.
"From this day forth," Magnus declared solemnly, "we are brothers."
Brick added, "And you are our eldest."
Jack, staring at the blood dripping down his palm, croaked, "I… I'm Big Bro?"
The three most terrifying men in the supernatural world answered in unison: "Big Bro!"
The chamber went silent—except for the women, still tearing each other's dresses off in a whirlwind of claws, arrows, and insults.
Jack, dazed, raised a fist weakly. "…Cool."
Love Dick noticed and shrieked over the chaos: "Oh my God. He's collecting boyfriends now too!"
Lucian, off in the corner, looked like he was about to spontaneously combust. "BROTHERS?! WITH HIM?!"
Karen roared, tackling Selene through a stone wall. "Shut up, fang-face! He's my mate!"
Seraphina fired a warning shot that embedded in the judge's throne. "Not if I make him my husband first."
Roxy leapt back into the pile, screaming, "He's mine, bitches!"
Jack, trapped in the middle of a literal supernatural civil war, sighed.
His life used to suck.Now it was worse.But hey—at least he was somebody's Big Bro.