I hid in the bushes in the schoolyard and spied on my brother as he left school and ran out into town. He was worried about me after all. He must have been tired and irritable yesterday, or maybe "that woman" had put some strange words into his mouth and poisoned him. That woman really should be eliminated.
Yes, for us.
My brother entered a busy alleyway. He looked around busily. He seemed to be strolling along a route I often take. In fact, my brother and I had passed through here on a walk we called a date.
I was watching my brother from about 20 meters behind him. Seeing him desperately searching for me made me want to hug him and kiss him right away.
"Excuse me, have you seen a girl around here, about 16 years old, wearing a Shumei High School uniform?"
"No, I'm sorry, but I haven't seen it."
"I, I see..."
My brother was desperately trying to gather information from office ladies on their way to work. I watched from a distance, gritting my teeth.
I'm glad you're looking for me, but please be careful who you talk to. I know it's unlikely, but the thought of you talking to anyone other than me makes my hair stand on end.
It was the same when I left the house with that woman. I briefly thought about smashing the sow's head with a nearby rock, but then I wouldn't be able to be by your side. If I was going to do anything, I had to do it secretly, so as not to attract attention. I resented the crime control laws that forced me to do so.
I was basically abused since I was a child. But the reason I've been able to live a normal life as a girl is because of my brother. Because my brother filled the darkness in me, I was able to stay one step away from the edge of the abyss, and I'm still alive today.
I was born into an environment where love was not an option. Even getting a meal today was a life-threatening experience, I was not given any entertainment, and even the slightest whining was met with violence, and each time this happened, the bruises on my body increased.
My family was not someone I could trust. I have no memory of being able to say for sure. But I tried desperately to be a good child for my parents. By the time I was five, I had learned to let go of my emotions and could even endure being hit.
Was I a good child? There's no way to find out.
Because I killed my parents.
The more I tried to be a good girl, the more violent he became towards me. My nose bled, I couldn't breathe, and the pain was so intense my vision was blurred. It was indescribable. My mother barely fed me anything. Naturally, this had a big impact on me as I was growing up. And due to psychological stress and extreme malnutrition, I lost part of my sense of taste. I couldn't taste astringency or bitterness, and could only sense sweetness. I didn't even tell my brother about this. If I did, he would have to suffer more because of me. So I had no choice but to let it go by saying that I was bad at cooking.
I was certain. My parents didn't really care about me, and in fact wished I didn't exist. I was an unwanted child. No matter how hard I tried, that one thing wouldn't change.
I went to the pharmacy and bought some mercury. First of all, my father. He was extremely violent towards me when I was little. He had heard from his kindergarten teacher that drinking large amounts can cause holes in the intestines. Without any hesitation, he drank the alcohol I poured for him. The moment he put it in his mouth, he ripped his throat out and died in agony.
"Hey, you! What's wrong?!"
When my mother came running towards me, I hit her with the bat without any hesitation. My mother always put herself first and had robbed me of my sense of taste. So I beat her much more carefully than my father, to the point where she knew what was being done to her, and then I killed her.
This was the end of my parents' life after living with them for five years.
So I was taken in by the Shindo family. That's when I met my brother. However, because I had murdered my parents out of intense hatred, and the person I directed that hatred at was no longer with me, I had become a shell of my soul.
"Nice to meet you. My name is Shiori. I'll be taking care of you from today onwards. I look forward to working with you."
So when I first saw him, I wasn't particularly interested. But then I noticed the smile he gave me. Yes, he was the first person to ever smile at me.
"Yeah, nice to meet you! We'll be living together from now on, so don't be shy."
My brother greeted me with an innocent smile. I had only ever seen anger and hatred, so I had no idea why he was smiling.
When he invited me to the park, I didn't think much of it. Even though I no longer had to worry about being abused in this house, I had lost faith in people. But I thought it would be okay to go to the park, so I went along.
"Let's play in the sand"
My brother took up a position in the middle of the sandbox and called out to me, "Why do I have to play? Having fun is a privilege only allowed to good people."
While I was thinking about this, my brother said as he built a homemade castle.
"We play together. All kids our age play like this."
"I've never done it before."
I answered, thinking that there was no way I could play such games. All I remember are countless instances of violence. There was no way I would have known the same games as children raised in normal households.
"Then you can just remember it from now on. You're really stupid."
I frowned, wondering what it meant to be stupid. When I was in kindergarten, I was sure I had better grades than my peers.
"I'm not stupid. My teachers praised me a lot in kindergarten."
"That's not what I meant. I mean, the winner in life is the one who enjoys it the most. When I look at you, it seems like you're deliberately thinking gloomy thoughts."
That's true. No matter how much abuse I suffered every day, I never thought I would kill my biological parents and build a happy family for myself. Murder is murder, no matter what the reason. And how could I, who killed my parents, be given the right to be happy?
I muttered under my breath, my face downcast.
"I'm... a murderer..."
"Killing someone. That's a bad guy. What's wrong with punishing an adult who uses violence against an innocent child? I don't think so. So you don't have to worry about it."
That's certainly true, but I thought that was a fallacy. Or rather, I thought that someone who had never been pushed to that point would never understand.
"You wouldn't mind having Satsujinhan as your little sister, would you?"
But I asked him for an answer. He didn't look at me with a sour look. He didn't say anything derogatory. I just wanted to hear a little bit more.
"I told you, I don't mind. I'd rather you help me build a sandcastle."
"Y-Yes."
I instinctively replied and ran over to my brother. When I was in kindergarten, I tried to stay away from boys my age because they were rough and insensitive. But with unfamiliar movements, I imitated my brother and began to pack the sand into my hands.
"I'm a bad girl."
"If you're talking about good and bad kids, I'm a bad kid too. You must have been so sad you wanted to cry, but you never cried. Ever since you came home. You're a great kid."
My brother knew what I had done and said I should still be forgiven. But I didn't think so. If he doesn't like something, he'll pull a knife on me and hurt me. Just like my parents.
"That's not true."
I shook my head in disgust.
But my brother continues as if nothing happened.
"It's usually the parents who bully their children who are at fault. If they hadn't done that, you might have died, so what you did was not wrong."
My brother's words weighed on me like a heavy stone. Looking back, it seems unthinkable, but at the time, my brother's naive thoughts made me feel sick.
"That's not true!"
"Whoa"
My brother looked up in surprise.
It's only natural, since the child had been quiet up until then and suddenly started yelling.
"Wh-what's wrong all of a sudden?"
"I killed my parents because I found them annoying! If I had been a better child, my parents would have taken better care of me! Then I wouldn't have done such a thing..."
Emotions that had been building up until then. Regretting that I should have been a good child. Mom and Dad were probably tired of life and didn't have the time to love me. I could have run away. But the reason I ended up killing them was simply because I had a dark mass of malice in my heart. To put it bluntly, I killed them because I hated them.
but...
If so, what am I living for?
"Hey, hey. Calm down."
"I wish I'd never been born! Then Mommy and Daddy wouldn't have died! No one would have been unhappy! I wouldn't have caused trouble for your parents!"
I shook my head and cried without caring about my reputation. I didn't want to be saved. I didn't want to be saved. I just wanted someone to teach me. My life up until now was a path I didn't want to look back on. So how should I live in the future that I was about to embark on?
"I'm nothing. I'm nothing..."
"Signpost"
My brother called out to me softly.
Then he shyly shows us what he has made.
"What is that...?"
It was bumpy and looked like it might collapse at any moment, but it was a "castle."
My brother said embarrassedly.
"A sandcastle. It's tiny now, but one day I'll build a real mansion. And then I'll have you."
"me...?"
I stared intently and asked, what could this person do for me, someone who was living on the brink of death?
"I'll make you my bride"
"Wife...?"
I knew what it was. I was sure, I was sure...
"Did you know? It's the happiest event in the world for girls."
Yes, that's right. There was a time when I dreamed about it.
That a handsome prince would rescue me from my imprisonment.
"If you're having a hard time, rely on me. If you're in pain, come to me. There will be lots of fun things to do, and I'll cut your sadness in half. I'll be by your side until you're old and worn out. So."
My brother's eyes were wet with tears. His earlobes were red. I listened intently to his husky voice, pleading for help.
Ah, this person. Maybe this person will rescue me from the depths of the cold ocean. Maybe this person will make me happy. Maybe this person will gently shine a light on the life I had once almost given up on.
"Big bro."
Tears get in the way and I can't speak properly.
"So don't cry. If you keep crying, I won't marry you."
I'm the one who did that.
"If I endure it, will you marry me?"
"ah"
I had lost everything.
"Will you stay with me forever?"
"ah"
I was someone no one needed.
"Will you fall in love with me?"
My brother said with a smile.
"Of course."
I was so happy...
"Then I won't cry...!"
I forced my trembling lips into a smile. I wondered, would this pass? Would he marry me?
As I watched with a feeling of unease, my brother looked at me with a happy expression.
"That's a nice smile."
Then he gently stroked my head. I was worthy of living. After all, my brother was going to marry me.
In my brother's arms, tears flowed from the depths of my stomach. No matter how hard I tried to hold them in, they kept overflowing. For someone like me who had lived like a dead person, the realization that I could cry like everyone else made me incredibly happy.
"You may have forgotten what happened back then, but that's okay. I'll make sure you remember. Otherwise, I'll never be able to become your wife."
I took out my cell phone and pressed the button several times to send the message. Of course, I sent it to my brother. My email address now only had his number registered.
The text reads as follows.
"I have something to tell you. I'll be waiting for you at the abandoned factory on the outskirts of town. Please make sure you come alone. From Shiori."