The heavy oak door of the Hokage's office clicked shut, sealing Hiruzen Sarutobi in a silence broken only by the frantic beating of his own heart. He slumped into his high-backed chair, the weight of the last hour pressing down on him like a physical force. With a trembling hand, he lit his pipe, taking a long, deep drag that burned all the way down to his aching lungs.
Puuuuhhhhh~
He exhaled a thick, grey cloud, and for a few moments, the entire office was choked with smoke, mirroring the fog of despair in his mind. His weary eyes drifted to the two cardboard boxes sitting innocently in the corner—the two cases of expired milk. A fresh wave of bitter depression washed over him.
"'My milk'?" he muttered to the empty room, his voice a gravelly rasp. "That's your milk, you little demon! This is all your fault!"
He was consumed by a deep, gnawing regret. He should have handed the Nine-Tails Jinchuriki over to Danzo all those years ago. Sure, it would have made his old friend impossibly powerful and ambitious, but it would have been infinitely better than dealing with the resurrected nightmare that was Namikaze Raimon.
"Anbu!" Hiruzen barked, his voice cutting through his self-pity.
In a series of silent shunshin, several masked operatives materialized before his desk, kneeling in perfect unison.
"Release the prepared bulletin regarding the Jinchuriki's true identity. Distribute it to all clan heads and post public notices in the main square. The truth ends now." He slid a pre-written scroll across the polished wood of his desk. He had no other choice.
If he didn't get ahead of this, Konoha Hospital would be overflowing with citizens suffering from 'blossomed' posteriors, kidney stones, and urethral blockages. Tsunade was nowhere to be found, and few medics had the stomach—or the skill—for the kind of emergency surgery Raimon's techniques necessitated.
Simultaneously, he pulled out a fresh piece of parchment and began drafting a request for emergency funding from the Fire Daimyo. He had to prepare for both outcomes: paying the exorbitant ransom or funding a war.
BAM!
The office door was violently kicked open, slamming against the wall with a sound like a thunderclap. Standing in the doorway, his face a contorted mask of fury, was Danzo Shimura.
"I told you this would happen!" Danzo snarled, not even bothering with a greeting. He was clearly seething that Hiruzen had not ceded control of the Jinchuriki to Root, which had led directly to this catastrophic security breach. "If you had given the boy to me, he would have been the perfect, loyal weapon! No one in the Five Great Nations would dare challenge us! But your sentimentality has made us a laughingstock!"
"Don't think for a second that revealing a few truths will make that… that posterior-obsessed maniac… go away," Danzo spat, his words making Hiruzen's frown deepen. The Hokage simply took another long, silent pull from his pipe.
Danzo didn't believe for a second that Namikaze Raimon would be appeased by mere words. He had already convened with the other two elders, Utatane Koharu and Mitokado Homura. The power of Konoha's four great clans, combined with the might of Root, had to be enough to handle one man. Hadn't they orchestrated the fall of the mighty Uchiha clan, reducing them to a single, loyal tool and a talented but emotionally compromised boy? This would be no different.
"Danzo!" Hiruzen's voice was low, laced with warning. "Do not forget who holds the title of Hokage here!"
Hearing that tired refrain again only fueled Danzo's contempt. All of Konoha's Hokage had died heroically in battle, yet Hiruzen seemed determined to cling to his chair until he died of old age. It was disgraceful.
Hiruzen, you've gone soft, Danzo thought, his eye narrowing. Where is the ruthless shinobi I once fought beside?
"Hmph! Everything I do is for the sake of Konoha's future!" Danzo retorted.
Hiruzen, in truth, had his own calculations. The Perfect Jinchuriki of Kumogakure was a constant strategic threat. This wasn't the era of the Shodai anymore; a controlled Tailed Beast was a far greater battlefield asset than a feral one. No enemy battalion wanted to be suddenly flattened by the Nine-Tails in the middle of a fight. And if Danzo hadn't conveniently hidden his Root forces during Orochimaru's invasion, the Snake Sannin would never have had the opening to use the Edo Tensei in the first place.
Exhaling another plume of smoke, Hiruzen made his decision. Danzo's ambition to be Hokage is a weapon in itself. Let him be the blade that tries to cut this particular knot.
"Danzo's hunger for this chair has never faded," Hiruzen mused internally. His plan was set: let Danzo and his faction throw themselves at the problem of Namikaze Raimon. He would play the part of the responsible leader, preparing the reparations. If Danzo succeeded, Hiruzen could claim credit and use the funds to bolster the Sarutobi clan's influence. If Danzo failed… well, the old warhawk would be removed as a threat, and he could always position his son, Asuma, for the role later.
"Danzo! Have you truly considered the consequences of failure?" Hiruzen asked aloud, playing his part.
"Failure? There is no failure!" Danzo scoffed, his hand drifting unconsciously to the bandages covering his right arm and eye. "You are simply old and timid, Hiruzen." With the full force of Root and the power sealed within his body, he was invincible. "Hiruzen, the people you, as Hokage, dare not eliminate, I will erase! Every dirty deed I have done for decades has been to strengthen Konoha! I am more suited to sit in this chair than you have been for years!"
SLAM!
Hiruzen's palm came down hard on his desk, the impact echoing through the room. "Danzo! I am the Hokage! Legacied by the Nidaime-sama himself!"
"Heh heh~ Legacied by the Second?" Danzo's laugh was a dry, cruel thing. "Look at the mess you've made. If Tobirama-sensei saw what you've allowed to happen, he'd claw his way out of the Pure Land to slap the incompetence out of you!"
As Hiruzen's oldest… friend? Rival?… Danzo knew where all the bodies were buried. If the full extent of their collective sins ever saw the light of day, there would be no place for either of them in a Konoha that remained standing.
Hiruzen slowly rose to his full height, his aged frame suddenly radiating the authority of his office. "Danzo. I do not care what you plan to do. After this situation is resolved, I will step down." He paused, letting the weight of the statement hang in the air. "But this position… it is not meant for you."
Danzo's single visible eye flashed with cold triumph. He had what he wanted. "Once you step down, the succession will be out of your hands. Anyone who dares stand between me and this chair will die."
"Who sits here is not your decision to make!"
Danzo's gaze flickered down to the noticeable bulge of the armored plate Hiruzen had discreetly fitted to the seat of his pants. "Hmph. As cowardly as ever."
"DANZO! GET OUT!" Hiruzen roared, pointing a shaking finger at the door.
The sudden shout startled Koharu and Homura, who were just arriving at the doorway, causing them to freeze mid-step.
"Hmph! You will live to regret this weakness, Hiruzen Sarutobi!" Danzo snatched up his cane and stormed out, the two elders falling into step behind him like obedient shadows.
Hiruzen would not be part of their subsequent conspiracy. Even if he was no longer Hokage, the three thousand shinobi of the Sarutobi Clan were a power bloc not to be trifled with.
Watching Danzo's retreating back, Hiruzen's face was a canvas of conflicted emotions. He hoped for Danzo's success, yet he was loath to give up his power. Some of his own contingency plans were still… incomplete.
....
Back in Naruto's squalid apartment, Namikaze Raimon was having none of it.
"Pack your things, kid. We're moving," he declared, looking around the dismal room with undisguised disgust.
"But Uncle, it's not so bad here! Nobody bothers me," Naruto said, scratching his cheek with a naive smile.
Raimon's eye twitched. 'Nobody bothers him'? The windows were patched with wood and tape! The whole place smelled of stale ramen and neglect. If Minato and Kushina knew their son had been living like this, they'd resurrect themselves just to shove Hiruzen Sarutobi's head down the nearest latrine.
"No arguments. Let's go." Raimon began herding Naruto toward the door. It wasn't like there was much to pack—just a drawer full of unsent, clumsily written love letters.
The moment they stepped outside, they were met by a crowd of 'enthusiastic' Konoha villagers.
"Monster! Get back inside!" a voice yelled from the mob. A rock flew out, aimed directly at Naruto's head.
Crack.
Raimon's hand snapped up, catching the stone effortlessly. He clenched his fist, and the rock crumbled into dust that sifted through his fingers. The angry chatter of the crowd died instantly, replaced by a stunned silence.
"He's with the monster! Get them!" a man wearing the distinct crest of the Shimura clan shouted, hurling a rotten egg.
It was the spark that ignited the tinderbox. A volley of rotten vegetables, mud, and more stones flew toward them.
"You fools are looking for a world of pain," Raimon said, his voice dangerously calm. A crackling aura of lightning chakra erupted around him, incinerating the incoming filth into harmless ash before it could get within three feet.
"H-he's too strong!"
"Run! The monster's brought a real demon!"
The crowd, mostly terrified and manipulated civilians, began to panic and scatter. But Raimon's sharp eyes had picked out the Shimura agents sprinkled among them, stirring the pot.
"Trying to run? If I don't teach you a lesson, you'll all think the Namikaze are easy to push around!"
A single, one-handed seal. Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof!
In a series of smoke puffs, several dozen Shadow Clones of Namikaze Raimon appeared, surrounding the fleeing mob.
"Doton: Jinzō Kesseki no Jutsu! (Earth Release: Kidney Stone Jutsu!)"
"Doton: Nyōdō Kesseki no Jutsu! (Earth Release: Urethral Calculus Technique!)"
The clones moved through the crowd like ghosts, their palms flashing out to press against abdomens and lower backs. The malicious chakra seeped into their targets.
Those who were hit stumbled, patting themselves down in confusion. "Eh? Nothing happened?"
"Yeah, I thought it would hurt more…"
Seeing their bewildered faces, Raimon smirked. "Suiton: Enman Ryūsui no Jutsu! (Water Release: Smooth Flow Downstream!)"
"Take a deep breath, everyone," one of the clones advised cheerfully. "This is gonna sting!"
Suddenly, the affected villagers doubled over. Uncontrollable urination was the least of their problems. An agony far worse than any punch or kick erupted in their groins and kidneys. Some collapsed on the spot, foaming at the mouth, clutching their crotches and twitching violently.
Naruto, who had been watching the entire spectacle with wide eyes, now looked at his uncle with a gaze filled with pure, unadulterated awe.
"WOW! Uncle! That was so cool, dattebayo! I… I wanna learn that!"
Namikaze Raimon looked down at his nephew's hopeful, shining face and grinned.
"Want to learn? Sure. I'll teach you."