Its been five years since I've seen you, your rough stubble matching your curly brown hair and caramel complexion. Its been five years since I've held your hand and felt your loving grip, the grip that would cause me to throw a fit if you loosened it even a little. Its been five years since I've kissed your lips, the sensation that would melt my brain and body, making me an addict to receiving it. Lately I've started to get physically sick at just the sight of couples doing the same whether that be online or in person, my envy is rotting me slowly. I've neglected my apartment, I had to give my dogs away because I couldn't keep up with taking care of them anymore especially when I barely take care of myself. I'm so alone now. Yet...I still have my job. One of the bright spots I guess in my life ever since I lost you five years ago. I do love being a journalist I mean who doesn't love a good story? Well I did...until he started working here. Stories never crossed my mind from that day on.
"Clair...Clairrrrrr....yooohoooo."A masculine hand whirred up and down in front of my face over and over, snapping me out of a sleep deprived trance.
"Huh..? OH! I'm so sorry I...uh..."
"Didn't get any sleep? No worries I get it, though...you might wanna stay up for this story I got for ya to print." Abel said enthusiastically, a confident grin posted on his face as he leaned a hand onto my table. I pushed my oversized rectangular glasses up to the bridge of my nose and began adjusting my desk, pressing down on a circular button to turn on my computer that had fallen asleep from its lack of use.
"I'm listening..?"
"Get this, a rep from Jersey just resigned because some addict recognized him from this sex worker's video! I kid you not when I tell you I was laughing my ass of hearing this." Abel exclaimed. I rolled my eyes in response
"Is this really news worth publishing? I know you're new and all but..." I said exasperated
"Well his seat is up for re-election next year, he preaches all his religious family values as apart of his campaign but look at him now huh."
My head perked up as a realization sounded an alarm in my head.
"Hold on a second...is he married too?" I asked, now completely engaged in the story
"Well I mean...he was."
"Jesus..okay. Well I'll see what I can do for you."
"Thanks so much, you're that girl, Clair!" Abel shouted while making his exit. I leaned back in my chair longingly gazing at him until he was out of sight, subconsciously biting my nails. Each bite making my yearning more evident.
I could put on this professional tough girl act in front of him all I wanted to at least to try and appease my own guilt but, deep down it was typical interactions like this that stirred the pot of my rapidly progressing feelings toward him. How could something so simple invoke a fire in me I hadn't ever felt since you were here? I felt so dirty for it. For the thoughts that crept into my head when I spoke to him. It was like I was being disloyal to you. Yet, I couldn't help but think that him suddenly working here was a sign from a higher power, maybe even from the universe that your soul lives on, that you are still alive, that he is you and you are him. Yes that's it, it must be. After all, the lines of your resemblance to each other are getting blurrier and blurrier by the day.
After keying in the article topic presented to me I printed it all out and packed up my stuff for the day and marched solemnly to my car. I pulled the door open and immediately was smacked in the face by a stack of papers which in the process flew out my car due to a strong gust of wind. I was so utterly defeated I didn't care anymore, I just propped down in my seat and slammed the door, my head collapsing on the steering wheel as if I was waving a white flag to whatever unnatural forces were against me. My car was full of papers anyways, I couldn't even tell whether or not they were important anymore. I slouched there, drowning in my own silence with my head slumped on the wheel before turning the key and and aggressively screeching out the lot. You know, sometimes I wish I had the guts to drive this piece of shit into a ditch, or maybe a 16 wheeler. Sometimes I wish it was me that died that day instead of you, my love. But then I question would you have suffered without me like I suffer without you, I would hate if you did. Even these hour long drives, ones full of dark tunnels, crowded roads, and the silence caused by my broken radio being replaced with my depraved thoughts wasn't the worst part of my days. By the time I arrived home the complex hallways were full of light murmurs. It was near 7 so I guess that's to be expected, families having the privilege of eating together.
"I guess I should eat too." I mumbled to myself after leaning on the door and shutting it behind me. I dropped my satchel on the floor instantly and kicked off my flats, stepping over the now familiar sensation of the hills of clothes I left there everyday. They were scattered all over the place, from the floor to my TV, the couch, only did the sight of them ease up right in front of the walkway to the kitchen. That wasn't to say the kitchen wasn't worse. I flipped the light on and each time I did I tried convincing myself it wasn't that bad but of course it was. Dishes were piled in the sink, none of them the slightest bit of clean. I shuddered seeing a roach scurry up and down a plate and disappear back into the mess.
"I'll clean it tomorrow.." I sluggishly lied to myself as I shuffled my nylon covered feet over to the fridge. I'm not sure why I expected anything to be in it to be honest with you. I did this same routine everyday.
"I'll buy groceries tomorrow." I lied again. A sigh huffed from my lips as I flicked the light off in the kitchen and dragged myself down the hallway over to my bedroom, falling face first on it, knocking off clothes in the process. I could feel my eyes beginning to burn as I lay there. I couldn't take this feeling. I know its been 5 years but...there is only one you right..? If that's true why is he so much like you? It must be you it has to be. I snatched a hoodie from the floor and pressed it against my nose obsessively, savoring every memory I could latch to. I huffed..and huffed..it still smelled like you. I made sure it did. Your cologne is still here. Each inhale made my eyes burn more with a watery fog followed by a stream flowing down my cheeks. My hand snaked under my skirt helplessly and began giving me the only sense of satisfaction I will feel today or any day for that matter. My mind wondered through a clouded mist of degeneracy as I bit down on my lips passionately to the point of blood trickling down my chin.
I miss you so much. I can't get you out my head...I don't want to. I can't get him out my head. I want to see him. No..I want to see you..right? You want me to see too right? I'll see you tomorrow at work. I....
I'm sorry.
I'm such a disgusting pervert.
I hate it.
I hate this but...I can't help it.
For without you I am nothing.
. . .
I woke up the next day still the same mess I had been when I had fallen asleep.
"What time is it...?" I groaned, rubbing my eyes groggily.
Wait...my phone!
"Shit, I left it in my satchel, I'm gonna be late!"
I quickly sat up and was blasted with the bright dawning rays of the Sun. Though I am so hopeless I couldn't be fired from work under any means, it was all I had left. Besides, thee least I could do was change, I have to be presentable for when I see you today of course. I hurriedly hopped in the shower for no longer than six minutes and dove onto the floor afterwards, rummaging through my seemingly endless piles of clothes.
"Cmon...cmon...." I anxiously repeated as I threw unwanted garments behind my head, searching desperately for the right combination. I finally settled on another skirt, this time with a black and white pattern across it. After sliding on my black, snow flake patterned stockings and slipping the skirt on I rummaged through my scattered piles even more finding my black zip up jacket that its sleeves flared on the ends. I slipped on black loafers hiding in the corner of my room and sped over to my bathroom to look at my reflection.
"My hair..." I groaned. I attempted brushing it profusely but a stubborn cowlick sticking straight up in the middle of my head continued to test my patience.
"Whatever...I hope I'm perfect for you." I sighed to myself and disappeared out the front door right after, grabbing my bag in the process and lugging it over my shoulder.
I might have shrugged off my hair externally but...it really did bother me. I always kept a brush in my bag just in case and this was one of those cases. My car swerved and screeched across the road as I kept one hand on the wheel and the other busy brushing my hair. My head moved sporadically as I tried my best to get the best angle of myself out of the rear view mirror. The one day I'm actually late for work the road is clear which is indeed helpful but this cowlick...WONT GO DOWN! I struggled brushing and struggled some more until before I knew it I was approaching the Post's parking lot.
And yet it still wasn't down.
'Whatever! Its fine!' I convinced myself in my head. I gathered all my things and jogged out the car into the entrance.
'I'll probably get chewed out by Nolan for my lateness...but...at least I can see you.' I thought
That thought sparked a smile upon me. A genuine one, of course it did I mean just the thought of you makes my stomach flutter. The fact that I can see you...its even better.
'I should ask him where we should go for our next date.' I smirked to myself.
I patiently sat at my desk after clocking in and inevitably getting yelled at. But that couldn't stop my happiness. I couldn't wait to see you. I was so eager to.
That was when it happened.
You strolled into this forsaken domain and reality hit me. I tried rejecting it but I couldn't.
This isn't you.
A few feet away after you arrived I overheard your conversation
"Oh this? Its an engagement ring." you said
"An engagement ring? Don't the brides-to-be usually wear em?"
"Oh of course but I feel love so strongly for Lamia, really I just wanted us both to have one after I proposed." you replied. The smile from my face fell instantly as my eyes essentially popped out of my head to turn and see you holding up your hand, flaunting a shimmering white diamond wrapped around your finger. I promptly stood up and ran to the bathroom, knocking down papers, and almost pushing other coworkers to the floor. I slammed the stall door behind me and collapsed to my knees, gripping the sides of the toilet and vomiting violently. It felt like hours in there. Whenever I thought I was done the image of it would haunt my head once more and tighten my stomach, crawling and flaring up my throat, forcing my emotions to eject out of me.
I couldn't take this feeling. It hurt so bad. I was so stupid and deluded.
But I'm so angry at you..how could you do this to me?
How could you?