This is the story of a sinner who regrets his past. A regret so deep it feels as though it devours my soul every time I remember it.
… I was the one who committed that sin. And I am the one who bears its consequences.
Back then, I was just an ordinary child with no purpose other than surviving on the pension inheritance left by my late grandparents. But everything changed when I turned fourteen.
That day, the earth shook violently. The walls of my house cracked, and a rumbling sound like a giant's roar echoed from the sky above. I panicked and ran outside, but the world out there was no longer the same.
The sky was dark red, as if burning. A massive rift split the horizon, and from within it came the howls of creatures not from the human world. Horrifying beings called demons burst out, rampaging through the streets, destroying everything they passed.
I was terrified, powerless. Just a small child who could do nothing but cry and hide behind rubble. But they found me — those terrifying figures. Their breath was hot and foul, and their claws were ready to tear my life away.
Right before everything ended, a streak of light pierced through the air. The demons burned into ashes.
A gentle hand reached out to me, lifting my trembling body, and in an instant, I was carried away from the chaos. That embrace was warm… saving.
When I opened my eyes, I saw her — that girl.
Her silver hair shimmered beneath the holy light breaking through the gray clouds. Her eyes were a clear blue, as though holding a peace the ruined world could never possess. Her white armor gleamed, the emblem of the radiant sun shining on her chest — the mark of a Paladin, a protector of mankind.
She was so beautiful, so mesmerizing, that I almost forgot how to breathe.
"Calm down. You're safe now," she said, with a smile that soothed everything.
Since that day, I knew my life had changed.
I had found my light.
I studied relentlessly, day and night, erasing the ignorance of my childhood. I wanted to become someone worthy of walking beside her — the girl who saved me.
Her name was Alicia. A name engraved in my mind every night.
Years passed, and I finally fulfilled my determination. I graduated as the top student and was accepted into the Arianna Holy Academy, the center for divine magic research and training. From there, I rose slowly, until I finally became a Paladin.
And there, fate brought me back to her.
Alicia — the Paladin of Light who once saved me from the darkness — now stood before me, just as enchanting as before. She still smiled the same way, as though time had never touched her.
Day by day, we worked together. Her respect and trust grew, and I slowly gained the courage to call her not as a distant figure, but a partner, even a friend.
I thought my happiness would last forever.
But one night, everything shattered.
I received a call from her. Her voice was weak, barely audible, asking for help. Without thinking, I ran to the location she mentioned — a ruined area on the outskirts of the city.
There, I found her. Alicia leaned weakly against a half-collapsed wall, her combat attire torn, revealing her pale skin.
I panicked. I called her name over and over, but her eyes were closed, her breathing labored, her body trembling slightly. I tried to calm her, holding her in my arms, desperately trying to take her away from that place.
But amid that chaos, with Alicia in my arms, something inside me suddenly awakened. A filthy whisper, something that should never have existed — born not of love, but of dark desire.
I resisted. I fought my own mind. I screamed at myself to stop. But… all that remained was darkness.
That night should have been the moment I saved her once more, yet instead, I destroyed everything.
And then… I committed a sin that time could never erase. The light that once saved me was tainted by my own hands.
Since that day, I ran away. I am no longer worthy of being called human.
I abandoned my position, abandoned everything, and lived in hiding from the world. Every night, the nightmare returned — her face, her smile, and her eyes full of trust before everything was shattered.
To atone for my sin — or perhaps to run away from my guilt — I immersed myself in magic research without rest. I wanted to create something that could give new meaning to the life I had stained.
Two years passed.
And from that madness, I created something I never expected: a copy of myself.
But the gender was different — a girl.
Perhaps, deep within my soul, I unconsciously wanted to atone by creating "another me" — one that was pure, untainted by the past.
I gave her a code name: Starlight.
I wanted to send Starlight back into the world I had abandoned, but I couldn't. She was unable to use holy magic. So instead, I sent her to the National Magic Committee, a government institution cooperating with the church, allowing her to be accepted as the captain of a Mage unit.
And with that position, Starlight met Alicia.
When Alicia greeted her with that smile — the smile that was once directed at me — I lowered my head. Tears fell, wetting my face.
Now I can only watch from afar. Watching the light I once touched — a light I could never reach again.
Years later, a great calamity struck the world once more. Alicia personally led the Paladin forces, joined by countless other powers. Starlight led a group of Mages, joining Alicia, sacrificing everything to protect humanity. From afar, I too helped as best as I could using my original body.
But… even though the disaster was stopped, humanity lost its brightest light.
… I failed to protect her.
I knew this was the end. And in that moment, I finally understood — redemption would never come from creation, power, or magic.
Redemption exists only in accepting that I had lost that light forever.
Now, I live in silence. Telling this story is not to seek forgiveness, because I know I do not deserve it. I only want the world to know that the light once existed. That she was real. That she shone — even for someone as wretched as me.
And though my filthy hands will never touch her again, I will keep looking to the sky, hoping for one thing:
May that light continue to shine in the world whose darkness I created myself.