Aunt interrupted us by saying that I was adopted, she said those words in such a hurry that I wasn't able to understand the sudden movements they made and in a single moment I was left all alone in the room with nothing but an open chest in front of me. I sat there starring at my past, it stared back at me, as I reached for the socks, I saw a white envelope just below them, it looked very fresh, as if it was put there recently, even its smell was new, it had a somewhat lavender smell, with a touch of grass fillings as well. I opened it ever so gracefully just to make sure I do not leave at a state which would make it clear that I fidgeted with it.
19/04/20
It read:
Dear Christopher.
Hello champ, I know that if your reading this then I really committed suicide. My son I know you have a lot of questions about what's really going on in this family, I know your even wondering about your very own origin as well. It's a very long story, but ill try to make as short as I can.
Everything happen way back when I was married the first time, her name was Julia, she was very beautifully made young woman, her wit and politeness made it hard for me to deny falling for her. It was love at first sight my boy. Her eyes were all but black, a very beautiful dark brown color. With a smile which put every sunset at shame, no beauty had ever befallen on this earth. But her family wasn't as beautifully made as she was. They believed that our love was a sin, well you see she was from a very afluent family when I was from a middle class one, so I was deemed unworthy of her hand in marriage. Julia tried to reason with them but it was all in vein. She died a few years after. She dies as an unmarried mother, she died after giving birth to a beautiful son.
She named that son 'Christopher Xavier Smith', yes champ, that's you. I know you grew up as my sister's son, but you have always been my blood, the fruit of the love your mother and I shared, the only way for me to keep you safe was to lie about your existence. Jenny has always been the best parent for you, she could never see you different from Beatrice, you were her favorite, her little Chrissy, which explains why you have always been a mommy's boy. She spoilt you rotten, but I guess it was her only way to shower you with love. I had to say that you got lost after your biological mother gave birth to you at the hospital, you may not understand son, but your grandpa (your mother's father) had declared that you shall leave this world with your mother, as you were a bastard child. You were not a part of his family even after being his very own blood.
Your mother had been forced to marry some old, pompous, arrogant, brut, she ran away from that man and eloped with me. You were a blessing for both of us, you were the hope we had prayed for. You were your mother's heart, you still are son, you always will be. Your aunt, my wife, she doesn't know about this, I'm not sure how she will react to this revelation, but I want you to love that woman, she's your third mom after all, she loved you the day she came into my life, I think she could feel the bond between the both of you even though she didn't know about it. She's a great woman, convince her to marry again in the future, she deserves happiness my son, and so do you.
Son this is all I can tell you right now, I'm sorry again my son, I know you deserved a real father, not me. I'm very sorry I was never the guardian you needed champ.
I love you my little rascal, Dad loves you.
From: Uncle Paul (your father).
My eyes teared so much I think I zoned out for so long I stopped breathing normally. Everything I thought was true was a lie, how could I have been uncle's son he never wanted children, he would have adopted if he did, what about aunt, didn't she need a little person of her own, was uncle selfish that he never thought that aunt would want to bear him a child. Everything seemed so ambiguous to me, Beatrice, only Beatrice could ever really understand my pain, my big sister wasn't really my sister, it's not fair.
As I sat there thinking about all the sudden and long vacations uncle used to go with me on, he never missed a single soccer game, he was there every time I lost a tooth, it all made sense now, but why would he sacrifice the memory of my mom for so long, just to rip me of the joy of knowing that he was my father, why would he be so careless to not think of the implications this would have on me after his passing.
I sat there in despair for hours, crying my eyes out, with all this anger growing inside of me, I stared at the socks until I finally mastered the courage to get myself back together and stormed out in search of my mother, I kept my lips mum, sealed up. There had to be a reason why mother had kept this from me, she tells me everything, then why would she have hidden this from me instead. It didn't make any sense at all to me. And it still doesn't, I need answers from her. She knows lying is a sin, she was the one who told me this in the first place.
There's always a hidden agenda on everything, and not every story can be precise. And not every story has all perspectives in mind. Yes, I agree in uncles defense he was only trying to keep his son alive, but what about aunt, what about her happiness, what about the step son she had but never knew about, she wanted children to look after, but uncle never gave her the chance. If that's not enough what about my mother, what does she have to go through in telling her son that she's actually his aunt and not her son. Everything seemed dim from my perspective. Everything was unfair for everyone else.
When I took a look at mom she had a knife on her hand, I stared at her enough that she took notice of my presence. We looked at each other with tears. I asked her why, she said, " I cant loose you too Chris, you don't know how much it killed me to see Paul like that, he was doing so well, after eleven years, he was finally happy with his life, he was even considering adopting a daughter. And now this, he killed himself Chris, you understand that he took his own life for a simple grief he was going through, he couldn't even share that with me. I cant keep loosing everyone most dear to me, I cant do this anymore honey." I didn't know what to say to her, all I did was walk from the hallway straight to the kitchen where she was standing near the counter, looking at the knife on her hand. I stopped right in front of her, placed my right hand on her left cheek, looked at her again and said, " Mom uncle was wrong, pain doesn't end if you end your life, it only transfers itself to the one smart enough not to follow you, if you do end your life like uncle did, what do you think Beatrice will do, not to mention me, and what about aunt, do you really want her to go through another grief?"