Tatiana
Day before Christmas.
Aurora and Bella fussed over the Christmas tree. I didn't bother putting one up, but my sisters-in-law were as stubborn as they were annoying. With their babies surrounding me with their toothless grins and cooing sounds, Aurora and Isabella decorated the whole tree while I sat and watched, feeling none of the joy. None of the hope.
Fucking nothing.
"Do you want the honor of putting the angel on the top of the tree?"
Aurora asked, keeping her voice light despite the worry furrowing her brow.
I shook my head. I didn't want the tree up, what made them think I'd want to put the star on.
"Come on, Tatiana," Bella urged.
"No."
I sat on the floor, my hair a matted mess. It had been a few days since I last showered. I think. I wasn't sure. I knew I reeked of alcohol but thankfully my little nephew and niece didn't seem to mind at all. Probably because they reeked of baby puke and poopy diapers. Bella swore on her life they'd grow out of it soon; I didn't believe her.
Little Kostya, Alexei's son, crawled up my lap, gripping my shirt tightly. He cooed something, and it almost felt like a scold. Or an order. Go take a shower, he probably demanded, staring at me with those pale blue eyes.
"You go take a shower," I muttered. "You stink too."
"Mine," he babbled. The kid thought everything was his.
"Ummm, are you talking to Kostya?" Aurora asked, pulling my attention to her and my best friend. They looked like two idiots, swinging back and forth on the chair, trying to reach the top of the tree. They were both shorter than me, so unless they grew a few inches, that star would remain where it was.
"So what if I am," I snapped. It was my place; I could do whatever I wanted here. I didn't invite them here. Couldn't I just be left alone?
"Just don't expect an answer back," she joked.
I rolled my eyes. "How long are you staying?"
The two of them shared a look. Tension was palpable in the air. I didn't have the energy for it. I just wanted to be alone. Grief was my prison. Not theirs. The agony I suffered wasn't for anyone to witness. Seconds ticked by slowly, each heartbeat more agonizing than the last. Every second passed slower than the last.
I'd say sleep would be better but then the dreams plagued me. The scent of citrus, sandalwood, and spice would linger in the air, then something I couldn't identify would rear its ugly head and my heart bled. My screams pierced the air and sliced through my soul.
The pain was so raw that it cracked my insides piece by piece, they'd never fit together again. My heart and soul were forever altered, even the pitter patter of my heart refused to beat the same.
There was something I needed to remember, but I couldn't. It was tearing me apart.
Why can't I remember?
A soft slap on my face startled me and I glared at my nephew.
"What was that for?" Little Kostya just gave me a toothless smile, his small body comfortable using me as his own personal jungle gym. "You keep this up and I'll be forced to choose a favorite nephew," I warned in a low voice. "Nikola has never slapped me."
Clearly Kostya, just like his father, didn't give a shit because his little chubby palm slapped against my cheek again.
I sighed. "I don't have time for this," I muttered under my breath. With him in my arms, I shifted off the floor and stood up, then strode towards the mini-bar. "I need a drink if you all will be nagging me today."
Taking the crystal lid off the top of the decanter, I poured myself a glass.
"I'd offer you some, but Alexei would kill me," I said, looking at Kostya seriously. His eyes watched my every move, and he listened intently like he could understand my every word. Of course, he couldn't. The only thing he understood was pooping and peeing in his diaper, and eating. Let's not forget slapping his aunt.
"I'll pay you back when you start dating," I mumbled under my breath, then tilted my head and downed my drink. The warm liquid trickled down my throat, and into my empty belly. The heat was almost instant.
Unfortunately, the oblivion wasn't.
My first Christmas without him. Even before we started dating, Adrian was around for Christmas. He always celebrated it with us. For almost twenty years.
"Hey, pipsqueak," Adrian greeted me with that dreadful nickname.
Sasha said it was a term of endearment. More like embarrassment. "Merry Christmas!"
Adrian knew the term grated on my nerves. I just turned eighteen; I was a young woman. A damn grown up, not some little kid. When would Adrian start looking at me as such? I wanted to be his girlfriend, not the baby sister of his best friend.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" he questioned with a tilt to his head and a knowing smirk on his lips.
I tried to school my features like the grown up I was supposed to be.
"I'm not looking at you in any particular way, Adrian," I retorted with a huff. He refused to look away. Stubborn man.
"Merry Christmas," I sighed, reluctantly giving up my disappointment.
"I got you something," he continued with a grin, holding out a small package wrapped in gold paper.
I stared at it, stunned. In all the years he'd been coming here for Christmas, he'd never given me anything wrapped in a golden paper.
"What did you get me?"
He laughed and shook his head. "Why don't you just open it and find out."
I looked at the box he'd placed in my hands. It looked to be the right size for jewelry. Maybe it was a ring. Just the thought of it had my heart drumming faster. Maybe Adrian finally felt what I'd felt since I first met him! We were destined to be together. Did he talk to Vasili? Maybe I'd marry him and we'd have a fairy tale.
Tearing the paper off eagerly, I tore at the shiny paper and opened the box. My heart sank to find a pair of gold stud earrings staring back at me.
But I wasn't the giving up type. This was a start. It showed that he no longer saw me as a child. I could work with this.
With a smile plastered on my face, I met Adrian's green gaze and said, "Thank you. They're beautiful. I'll cherish them. Always."
Just like we'd cherish each other. Always.
The memory hurt. You left me, Adrian. His love had gone cold, leaving me alone, intertwining between reality and nightmare. Or maybe it was just one and the same.
Another crack in my heart. A lump in my throat. The unbearable suffocating feeling in my chest.
Walking back to where Isabella and Aurora still struggled with the tree, I lowered little Kostya down next to his little cousin. Then without a word, I headed for the master bathroom. Grabbing a bottle of vodka and a glass as I passed the mini bar, I rushed through the bedroom, signs of Adrian still everywhere. My designer outfits lay scattered all over the bed and floor, leading into my walk-in closet, which looked even worse.
The usual order and luxury was overtaken by grief.
Ignoring it all, I stepped into the bathroom. The moment the door shut behind me, my back rested against the door and a sob escaped me. My hand pressed against my mouth to muffle the sound, and I slid down until I found myself on the cold marble tile.
A shuddering breath mixed with my sobs. Loneliness swallowed me, pulling me into darkness and I had no way of getting out of it.
Don't you fucking give up. A deep voice whispered. It wasn't Adrian's voice. Whose was it? Tatiana, give me your hand.
My heart screamed. My soul bled. The weight pressed on my chest. The silence was too heavy and too thick, stealing my oxygen.
I craved the numbness. Needed oblivion. This was too much to bear.
A soft knock on the door.
"Tatiana." I startled as Isabella's soft voice came through.
"I'll be out in a moment," I said, my voice cracking. Each word felt like raw sandpaper scratching against my throat. I couldn't breathe, the walls were closing in on me and threatening to smother me.
Isabella pushed the handle down, cracking the door open and leaving me no choice but to shift around so she could enter. Isabella might be soft, but she was stubborn as fuck. You'd have to be to survive my eldest brother.
Once inside, she lowered herself down, taking a seat on the marble next to me. She wore simple jeans and a baggy white t-shirt. Her dark hair bounced with life, making me even more aware of the pitiful state I was in.
Her hands wrapped around me and turned me around to face her. My best friend. My brother's wife. She had everything. A husband who'd give her anything and everything. Children who love her. Happiness, love, family.
I had nothing.
My best friend and I have been through a lot. Four wild college years.
Her miscarriage. Her pain. My rebellion. We were sisters more than friends.
I loved her. She loved me. But right now, I couldn't handle being around her.
It fucking hurt to see everything I'd never have - a loving husband, children, a warm home. A family.
I loved her, I really did. But bitterness slithered through my veins, right alongside the alcohol, like poison. It suffocated, slowly like a pillow smothering your face. You hoped for death, but instead, the cruel destiny eased up and let you breathe. Just so you could suffer more.
That was how I felt. Day in and day out.
"God, Tatiana," she murmured softly. "I hate seeing you like this."
"I'm fine," I muttered, reaching for the bottle and taking a gulp. A glass wasn't enough to wash down this bitterness. The vodka burned my throat, dulling my senses.
"Vasili is worried," she rasped. I lowered my eyes, suddenly interested in the creases in my clothes. They were a mess.
"I'm fine," I repeated.
"You're not fine," she murmured, keeping her tone low. "We keep waiting for you to come to terms with Adrian's death. But you're getting worse. It's been two months since his death. We don't expect you to be your old self but by now you should at least be doing a bit better." I remained silent, my eyes darting back to the bottle of vodka. I needed one more drink.
Just one more and nothing would matter. I'd survive another day. "I know what you're going through–" "No, you don't," I cut her off, sharper than I intended. Hurt flashed in her eyes and I attempted to temper the sharpness of my voice. "You still have your husband. Even if he died, you have your children to help you carry on. I have nothing. Fucking nothing."
She opened her mouth to say something but then closed it. The pain in her eyes told me I had said something wrong. I had hurt her. Yet, I said nothing. I was sorry; I really was. But my lips refused to move.
"Tell me how to help you then," she whispered, taking my hand in hers.
"I'm fine," I answered automatically again. "I don't need any help."
"Tatiana–" "I said I'm fine," I snapped and a pained expression flickered across her beautiful face.
Instantly, regret washed over me. I didn't like hurting her. Nor my brothers. And that was all I've been doing lately.
"You're not fine," she said firmly. "You were there for me when I needed you. Even when I didn't want you there witnessing my pain. So whether you like it or not, I am here and will be here to stay."
"No, you're not," I hissed in a low tone. "You have your kids. Your family."
I stared stubbornly at that spot on the floor straight ahead. The single faulty piece of marble that didn't fit in with the rest of the tiles. It made no sense, but when I redecorated our bedroom, I insisted that they install that piece of tile, despite throwing off the entire bathroom. It gave it an extra something. Adrian disagreed. He said it took away something. Whatever.
"Tatiana, I know you're thinking life is over." It was fucking over. "I thought so too when I-I–" She gulped, swallowing her own emotions.
"When I had that miscarriage. When Vasili dumped me. But it's not the end of it. It's hard in the beginning, but you keep pushing. Find things to live for and then when you least expect it, life throws you the most wonderful curveball. You helped me when I needed help. I fully intend to help you.
That's what family is for."
That dark day rushed to my mind. I was terrified when I found Bella curled up on the floor of our dorm bathroom, blood staining her clothes. It scared the living daylights out of me. My first instinct was to call my brothers, but she refused it. So the two of us powered through. When I rushed her to the hospital, seeing her bleeding out in my car, I was terrified.
I was petrified of losing her. I was mad at myself for missing all the signs. She'd needed my help, but I didn't see it until I found her bleeding out. Maybe she was returning the favor. Maybe my best friend was seeing something I couldn't.
After all, she kept me at arm's length. She wanted to grieve alone and I refused to give her space. She needed me and I was there for her - whether she liked it or not. I was never too good of a listener. If I ignored her, would she eventually go away?
"It's okay to admit it, you know," Isabella whispered softly. I turned my head and gave her a blank look. "That you're hurting. That something inside of you cracked when Adrian died." It was so much more than a crack. It all shattered. "It only means it can be repaired. Adrian is dead but you are very much alive. Your life didn't end. You have to move on and live. Adrian would want you to live. And I know you can do it. You're strong, Tatiana. Stronger than most women I know."
She leaned over and pressed a kiss on my cheek. "Whenever you need me, I'm here."
A little, golden box with a rose bow landed on my lap. Like it was a foreign object. A box wrapped the same way as Adrian's first gift to me. I stared at it, unwilling to reach for it, afraid to open it. What if it was something Adrian ordered before– "What's this?" I croaked.
"It was just delivered," she said, getting back to her feet. "I assumed you'd ordered it. I'll let you open it in peace."
She left the bathroom and my fingers slowly reached for the box. I turned it over in my hand, searching for a message. For an address.
Something.
There was nothing.
I slowly pulled on the fancy bow, letting it unfold like a wilted rose. My fingers shook as I opened the box. The smooth velvet box sat inside the golden box. Pushing the little button, the box opened.
A diamond necklace sat in the box, but it wasn't that which caught my eye. It was the rubies in the shape of a red rose with green emeralds for thorns in the setting, like an embedded pendant.
A single card laid under it and I pulled it out. Two words. Memento Mori. What the hell did that mean?
It had to be delivered to the wrong place. Shoving the note into the box, I closed it and tossed the velvet box onto the counter.
I made it back into the room twenty minutes later, Aurora and Isabella still struggling with the stupid star.
"Give it to me," I grumbled, approaching them with an extended hand.
My sisters-in-law acted like I'd just asked for last rites. Their eyes widened as they watched me like I grew a second head. "Just don't let me fall."
"Ummm, should we wait a bit?" Aurora suggested. "Maybe you can eat something and have some water." When I narrowed my eyes on her, she continued quickly, "Sasha would fucking murder me if something happened to you. And Alexei wouldn't be pleased either."
A scoff left me. "As if Alexei would let anyone touch you." I extended my hand further, tapping my foot impatiently. "Besides, I'm Russian. I can hold my liquor."
The two shared a glance, then finally handed me the star. My steps hesitant, I climbed the ladder, one step at a time, one sister-in-law on each side of me, their hands hovering and ready to catch me.
"There. The star is on."
"Amazing what a few inches can accomplish," Aurora grumbled.
"Maybe we're not done growing," Bella joked.
I descended the ladder, then turned around to face my sisters-in-law.
They were trying so damn hard, and I wasn't making it easy on them.
Locking eyes with them, I finally uttered those keywords, "I need help."
Stage three… bargaining.
A fleeting shared glance between Aurora and Isabella. "Anything," they said at the same time.
It would have probably been better if I was sober for this, but I didn't want to delay it.
So I swallowed the lump in my throat and readied to say his name. I had yet to say it out loud since his death. At least not when I was awake. It was an echo in my brain, a shadow following behind me. But something about saying his name out loud felt final.
"I want to know what got A–" His name faltered on my lips, struggling to be uttered. But I was determined. I needed to find out what happened if I wanted peace. "I need help finding out what got Adrian killed without my brothers being all over it."
The silence that filled my penthouse was so loud, I could hear our heartbeats. I waited, holding my breath, waiting for an answer. Thunder rumbled across the sky and the three of us jumped at it.
"I have contacts in the FBI," Aurora answered with determination. "I can run some data and see what I can get my hands on." Aurora's eyes darted to Isabella. "Do you have any contacts at the hospital that Tatiana was taken to after the accident? I still don't get how they have no record of someone bringing her in."
Isabella shook her head. "I know a few nurses there. But none of them were on duty that night. It's just bizarre that they let that happen. A complete stranger dumping an unconscious woman, and they have no damn record of it."
"That's bullshit," Aurora grumbled, chasing the voices away. "There's protocol about that stuff."
"Do they know if it was a man or a woman?" I asked. A deep voice played softly in my head. You're going to be okay. Because our story has barely begun.
Bella shook her head. "Considering the chaos of an emergency room, it could have gotten lost in the mayhem but it still seems really strange that no one noticed. A woman was dumped that night and yet, there's no record of it."
The silence expanded with each breath until it became a living, breathing entity between the three of us. Right along with the shadows of the unknown.
Isabella chewed on her lip. "I'll check Vasili's office and see what information he has."
"Thank you," I choked out. Tears pricked at the back of my eyes.
Maybe after I learned what happened to Adrian, I'd find peace.
Or at least answers.
Konstantin
Christmas morning. Russia.
Two months since that prick, Adrian Morozov, met his death. Two months, and the goddamn chip was still missing.
I watched my sister rip the packages open.
She might be approaching her twenty-third birthday, but she still reminded me of that little girl who'd eagerly try to stay awake all night to catch Santa bringing gifts. She used to write him a letter every year. It was easier to fulfill her wishes back then. Now she kept her wants and needs close to her heart.
Turning my head, I stared out at the snow covered horizon. I couldn't see past the castle yard thanks to the snow storm, yet I knew it stretched for miles. For the last few years, we celebrated in Paris where my sister attended college. While growing up, we alternated between Russia and California, where she attended boarding school.
"Thank you, Brother." Isla's voice pulled my attention away from the window and back to my sister. "You always get me way too much."
I shook my head. "I need to do more for you."
She sighed and picked up a gift, then padded over to me with her bare feet.
"This is your gift," she said. "I have one for Maxim too, but I guess he won't make it."
My twin brother was fucking up. He was crossing the line from a casual drug user to a regular one. He was a liability. It had been years since his woman died. Years to come to terms with it. And all he'd done was years of fucking it up worse - starting with going after Branka Russo and against Sasha Nikolaev. It didn't matter that our father had made a deal with Branka Russo's father.
The deal was for Maxim to marry one of his daughters. Maxim decided he wanted his whore instead, so Russo killed Maxim's woman to get her out of the way after he used her for his own depraved pleasures. My brother hadn't been the same since. He became reckles