I feel comfortable and happy. Even though it ended abruptly, we left in a good accord. I'm grateful for the people who stood up for me. Not knowing the situation, they still took my side. The love I have for them is immense. Such great friends are not easily found; they are one of a kind.
So is also the ability to own up to your mistakes and make known the hurt you caused. One word of forgiveness, a sign of remorse, causes a great change in another. It lets them heal, feel, and think more deeply about themselves. You asking for forgiveness does not only benefit you, but also the person you're asking it of. It lets both parties realize that one needed to let go of the hurt they felt, and the other to stop the hurting.
"I called your mother on my way running here," I look up at Joel. "I told her that you would be studying at my place today—" He slightly pauses. "That you would be staying at my place for a while before I send you home." He softly caresses my cheeks, still out of breath.
"Did my mom say it was okay?"
"Yes, she gave me the green light and said that you should call her before we reach my house."
"Did you tell your parents that I'm coming over?"
"I haven't told them. It will be alright, I asked your mother to tell my mom."
"Ok," I mumble under my breath as I turn my face towards Bae.
"Adah, are you okay? Should we leave and talk tomorrow?" Bae looks at me worriedly.
"I'm fine, and I'm sorry that we didn't go to the cafe today."
"It's all good, we can always come here," David says as he softly squeezes Bae's hand in his.
Mira reaches for a piece of paper in her pocket. "Here, take this, it's my number," she says, placing it in my hand. "I'll leave now. Text me when you have the time."
"Why would she text you?" Bae crosses her arms, her tone laced with disgust.
"Because I know," Mira answers sharply, but without crudeness. "It seems like a lot happened today," Bae starts.
"You can tell me the rest tomorrow at school. I'm sure you'll stay up late talking to Joel today."
"Thank you, and I'm sorry."
"Adah, stop saying that you are sorry. You are our best friend, there is nothing to apologize for," David says. This time it's visible to me—they care so much.
"Us being sad is not your fault, we are not disappointed in you. We have been friends for such a long time, we know you, we love you." Bae's words hit sharply with warmth.
Snow crunches under our feet as we walk. The walk with Joel feels odd. It's as if I've done wrong, even though I've been told I haven't done anything wrong. The sense of guilt I have can't easily be shaken. I want it gone, but I don't know how, I—.
"Adah, don't think too deeply about what just happened. It's okay. No matter what, remember that I love you and—"
"Jake asked me if we slept together. He meant to say that he had asked you about something similar before and that's why you are together with me. Because you've tried me out, or should I say eaten me—"
"Hey, hey, Adah stop! Stop! Don't repeat those words." He covers my ears, even though there is nothing he needs to shield me from. I smile and place my hands on his.
"Why would you repeat those words? Why—"
"How else am I supposed to tell you about what happened? It's not as if I can speak with my mouth closed." My words come out harsher than expected.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound so—"
"Adah, it's okay and don't apologize." His eyes look full of remorse and sadness. "I didn't mean to say that you shouldn't tell me about what happened. I just didn't want to hear you say that about yourself."
"Joel, I understand what you mean, but you need to know." I sigh and take his hands off my ears and hold them tightly. "If you don't hear these words from me, are you going to hear them from Jake and Luke?"
"No, and honestly I'd rather not hear it from anyone." It's the first time I've seen him look so downcast, yet pouty at the same time.
"Joel, look at me. Don't turn your face away from me." His eyes meet mine for a split second. "Bend your head so that we can talk."
"No, let's just go to my place." This time I hear a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"Alright. Let's go then." I swing my hands free from his grasp, quickly walking away.
"Adah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude." He follows me quickly.
I check my phone to look at the time. "The bus will be arriving soon, let's go." He tries to put his hand in mine, but I refuse yet again. "Adah, Adah, I'm sorry. Please."
"Hurry or we'll miss the bus."
A faint smile curls up from the corner of his lips. "We? Me and you?"
"Who would I be going home to right now other than you?" My response is cold.
The bus fare to his house feels long, and the silence makes it feel uncomfortable. It's even more uncomfortable when we have to walk to his house knowing that his parents are at home. The only moment where we escape the rigid atmosphere is when I'm on the phone with my mom.
We enter through the front gates and walk up to the house. He turns to me as he puts the key in the door lock.
"Adah, I—"
"Joel, what are you doing standing there? Hurry in, it's cold!"
Standing in the foyer, Mrs. Sali looks at me with a bright smile. "Hello, Adah! How are you? Did you call your mom before coming here?"
"Hello, Aunty! I'm doing fine, thank you, and I called my mom on the bus ride."
"Good, that's nice. Dinner will be done in two hours, it's only four o'clock. But if you want fruits or a snack, you know where to get them."
"Mom, is Dad home?"
"Yes, but I sent him to buy something."
"Ok, I'll be going up to my room with Adah." He grabs my hand tightly, locking his fingers with mine. A short flight of stairs later, we're standing in front of his bedroom door.
"Let go," I try to release my hand. "Joel, we are already in your room. There is no reason for you to hold my hand."
"Yes there is," he mumbles. "Sit on my bed."
"I'm still wearing my school uniform. You're like me, you don't like having outside clothes touching your bed."
"Want to change into my clothes?"
I pause. "It's okay."
"I'm fine with it too, so just sit on my bed please. I'll go shower, and if you change your mind, you can take clothes out of my closet." He lets go of my hand reluctantly.
I can hear the water hit the floor as I sit on his bed, lost in thought.
"Adah!" Joel suddenly wakes me up from my thoughts. "I've been calling your name for a while. Are you ok?"
"I'm fine." His hair is wet, dripping with water from the ends. "Are you sure?" He moves closer to me and I lean backwards. "Yes, I'm sure." He places his forehead on mine.
"It's cold," I shudder.
"What? Are you cold? Want to wear some of my clothes?"
"No, I'm not cold. You're wet, your hair is dripping water." I sigh. "It's gone cold." Tension fills the room. "Is it?" That sly smile is back.
I catch a quick glance at him. His hair has gone straight and it's less curly. He looks beautiful.
"Can you dry my hair for me?" He places his head on my lap and I wince. The cold water hits my lap. "I'll dry your hair. Give me the towel and bring a hair dryer, too."
"I'm ready. I already placed it in the socket."
"Turn your head. How am I supposed to dry your hair when you're facing me?"
"I want to look at you."
"Why? Just turn your head so that I can—"
"Are you still mad at me?"
"No, I'm not, so turn your head, ok?"
"Yes you are," he rubs his head on my lap. "I'm sorry, Adah."
A shiver runs down my spine.
"I get it. Just don't rub your head on my lap, your hair is getting me wet."
"I didn't mean to sound rude when telling you to go home with me. I should have spoken clearer. Can you forgive me? I'm sorry, ok? I'm sorry?" He rubs his head yet again on my lap.
"It's okay, I forgive you. It's not as if I was any kinder."
A smile erupts on his face. "Thank you. I love you."
I turn my face, unable to hide my satisfaction. "Do you have any pants I can wear? My stockings are wet."
A feeling of calmness.
I'm steady amidst the storm.
Rays of sunshine reach me.
Its warmth fills my heart.
To protect, not to hurt.
Feelings unknown are hard—
A subtle misunderstanding,
asking for forgiveness.
Not patronizing, it's caring, lovely, and humble.
A subtle moment creates a sparkle.
Butterflies pierce through.
What a wonderful waterfall,
Freely and safely descending.