When you start distancing yourself, your soul copies it. Your soul slowly breaks and your mind tricks you into believing that small moments are happiness. That you are happy and that's all that you need. But happiness never guarantees anything. Happiness is a feeling. A feeling that can disappear at any moment at any given time. Happiness is not a certainty, at least not for life.
The feeling of disappearing, of not being there anymore, will come back. What I need is not happiness, but Joy. And joy is not something easily obtained. It is hard, and it is only found one way.
He looks at me as we walk into his closet. His eyes never leave me. "Do those stockings keep you warm?"
"Not really, they're quite thin. You basically only see my legs. It's more skin-colored than thermal stockings." I stretch my hand to take his pants, but they're too far up.
"Want my help?"
I look at him. He's standing in the corner wiping his hair. Yet I can't help but fall for him again. He walks toward me and gives me the pants.
"Am I that good-looking right now?" he says jokingly.
"Yes."
"What?"
"I have to change, so get out." He looks at me, stunned. "Ok, I'll wait outside."
A quick few seconds later I walk out of the closet, eyeing him closely yet again. I pick up the hairdryer I left on his desk and sit on the bed.
"Give me the towel and sit on the carpet."
"I want to face you, since I'm your good-looking boyfriend." He slyly smiles. "You'll allow me, right? I know you're not mad anymore."
"Since you're my good-looking boyfriend, sit still and watch your cute girlfriend dry your hair."
"So you know I fell for you because you were cute?"
"Of course I do." My hands stop moving. "I suppose I knew. You fell for me when we were kids. Plus, you told me about it in Whistler."
"You knew what?" His eyes sparkle with anticipation.
"That you liked me. Since middle school. I mean, we were always at the same functions—I just never went out of my way to look or talk to you."
"So basically, you acknowledged my presence but never directly looked at my face?"
"In simple words, yes. I mean, I've never bothered with anyone, always assuming people didn't like me."
"That's why you never looked my way? I thought it was because you never liked me. Even now in high school."
"I never ignored you when we started high school."
"You did. You would barely look at me." I let out a scoff. "I just thought that you wouldn't want to be bothered with me, that's why. Plus, we became good friends two weeks after school just began."
"Yeah, but two weeks went by without you acknowledging me."
"You waited that long for me, but two weeks was too much?"
"Yes, it was too much! Do you know how attractive you are? You had all sorts of people looking and stuck to you."
"I did? When?" He pauses the hairdryer. "You seriously never noticed the boys in your class looking at you?"
"Which boys?" He moves closer and climbs onto the bed.
"Adah, I'm happy that you're mine." He lies down on my lap, fiddling with my hair.
"Those two weeks were unbearable. If God hadn't given me the courage, I would never have been here."
"Was it really that bad?"
"It was. You're underestimating how cute and beautiful you are. You need to start lifting your head more. I was so sad when you would never talk or look at me when we were younger."
"Was I really that bad?" He hugs me tightly. "Yes, it hurt so much that my crush wouldn't look me in the face. I could only ever look at you, but never talk or meet your eyes. You only talked with my mom or dad if the situation called for it." I feel his hands gripping tightly onto my pants.
"I could barely ever hear your voice."
"I'm sorry. I never meant not to acknowledge you. I suppose I should look at you more."
"You should. I look really good." His cunning smile appears on his face yet again. He pushes me down onto the bed. Smiling, but the air turns slightly serious.
"We need to talk about what happened at school today." Just saying that makes my eyes water.
He grips my hand tightly and pulls me into his chest. "Tell me everything."
"Give me a minute." Tears fall again before I realize. "This is stupid," I murmur, my voice muffled.
"It's not stupid," he retorts as he tries to wipe my tears.
"Yes, it is. I can't ever say anything about myself without crying." I feel a lump in my throat.
One more word and I'll burst into tears.
"It's okay. Adah, it's okay." He rubs my hands, kissing my forehead warmly.
"You're brave enough to tell me this. This is great. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to cry."
"But I seem to cry all the time lately." He chuckles lightly. "That's alright, you're a princess who cries a lot. But so what? It's okay." I look up at him, quietly sniffling.
"I'm the only one seeing you cry like this, so let it all out."
Before we realize, over an hour has gone by and it's nearly six o'clock. I've never cried and spoken so much at the same time before.
"We need to go eat dinner." He hugs me whilst lying down.
"Adah, remember, if this ever happens again, call for me. Don't wait."
"Ok, I will. I need to change." He looks at me as if I've proposed something strange. "Why?"
"Well, I can't show up wearing your clothes, can I?"
His face looks puzzled. "Why not? I like how you look in my clothes. There's nothing wrong with it."
"Yes, I'm sure that's what you think. But I'm at your parents' house and we're leaving your bedroom. The dining space isn't limited only to us."
I walk over to my clothes in his bathroom placed on his radiator. "Just wear my clothes. You look fine."
"That's not the problem here."
He slowly lowers himself. "Won't it just make my parents more comfortable? You'll feel like me." His face closes in on my neck. "You even smell like me now." I can feel his breath on my neck. Subtle and steady.
"You don't know how dangerous that sentence was." He turns his face towards me. "What was dangerous?"
"This is surprising. You're more dense than me."
"I'm more dense than you?"
"You are. I have to change, so go out, please. And it's not because I don't want to wear your clothes. I'm a girl, Joel, turning eighteen soon."
"Yes, I know. Your birthday is on February 14th." I softly smile. "Thank you for remembering that, now will you please go out?"
As I push him out, I hear my heart beating louder and louder. It was a close call.
"Here are your clothes, I've folded them."
"You really could have worn them if you—" I quickly cut him off. "No."
As we walk out of his room I turn around. "Stop pouting, you can't look sad."
"I know, but hearing what you said before, I just can't. What do you mean by 'no'?"
"Joel, I was wearing your clothes."
"Yes, I know. What's wrong with that?"
"If I had worn your clothes outside and someone noticed them as yours, what would you think?"
"That you're mine and that I'm your boyfriend." His clueless behavior reminds me of a golden retriever wagging its tail.
"Let's leave it at that, we need to go and eat dinner. It's six o'clock."
"Adah, no. Explain yourself, please."
"No, let's go." Upon hearing my words, his face slightly turns downcast. "Stop pouting."
"I can't, my girlfriend won't tell me what's wrong."
"Yes, you can." I reach up and grab the collar of his shirt. Pulling him down to my level, I plant a soft kiss on his cheek.
"You're smiling," I smile, slightly flushed. "Of course I am. I just got kissed by the love of my life."
A lonely spirit breaks the heart.
The heart is torn.
In God there is Joy.
So rejoice.
Pure love is undying.
It does not cross borders.
Memories resurface.
It teaches a lesson.
Everything will be alright, let it out.
As vast as an ocean,
such is my patience.
The truth is beautiful.
With no hidden intentions.