The lights in the theatre gradually dimmed as the grand drapes drew open, revealing the simple stage prop that had just been wheeled in from backstage: two long desks representing one of the ninja academy's classrooms, occupied by six actors. In the back row sat the blond Sasuke playing the role of Naruto, Tsubaki playing the role of Sakura, and the actor playing Sasuke, while three nobodies occupied the front row.
"In the uncivilised reaches of the Extreme Orient, war is a daily occurrence; children as young as twelve are sent to die on the battlefield on a regular basis," the narrator's disembodied voice echoed across the theatre. "It is in such a cruel place, so unlike our peaceful Redaku, that the tale of the Demon Queen of Six Desires begins, on the day of her graduation from the ninja academy."
One of the ceiling spotlights fell on Tsubaki, sitting between 'Naruto' and 'Sasuke.'
"At the tender age of twelve, the future Sixth Hokage had already slain a hundred of her own classmates to earn her promotion to genin," the narrator intoned. "And yet, despite the blood that stained her hands, she had retained the purity of her maiden's heart, silently pining for a love she could never hope to attain… the reincarnation of a legendary fox demon, the fearsome Uzumaki Naruto!"
"Gyahaha…" 'Naruto' said lamely, jumping onto their shared desk. "Fight me, Sasuke…"
"You don't scare me, demon child," cockily replied 'Sasuke' as 'Naruto' crouched in front of him. "I'll take you on any time with these eyes of mine, hehehe…"
The actor playing Sasuke was wearing red contact lenses.
"But alas, Sakura, the future Sixth Hokage, was already promised to another, for they were the only survivors of the legendary Uchiha clan," the narrator went on. "Her betrothed, Uchiha Sasuke of the Evil Eye!"
"Kick his sorry butt, Naruto!" 'Sakura' choked out. "Ugh, this thing is so tight…"
Since she was playing Sakura as a child, Tsubaki was forced to bind her P-cup chest beneath her kunoichi dress. The costume had a clever system of adjustable straps hidden beneath the fabric, which she could gradually loosen between scenes, allowing the bindings to slacken and her chest to return to its natural shape. This created the illusion that she was physically growing as the play progressed!
"However!" the narrator shouted. "Fate had other designs, and tragedy struck!"
One of the actors in the front row abruptly stood up, knocking 'Naruto' into 'Sasuke' and causing them to accidentally kiss as a loud smooching sound rang out through the theatre. Tsubaki discreetly took a packet of Han's Catsup from her pocket and popped it, spurting 'blood' all over the desk to simulate a nosebleed, which drew a chorus of hearty laughter from the audience.
"It should have been me, not him!" 'Sakura' screamed as the grand drapes closed shut. "It's not fair!"
The six actors quickly got up and pushed the desks backstage, while the stagehands rolled in the rooftop stage prop. A few seconds later, the curtains drew open once again to reveal a tall man wearing a ninja balaclava mask, for some reason.
"Haah, why would the Lord Third saddle me with a bunch of brats?" 'Kakashi' sighed. "Oh, and here they come now…"
'Naruto,' 'Sakura,' and 'Sasuke' walked onto the stage.
"There's nothing I love more than killing comrades and reading pornographic novels in public," 'Kakashi' said. "I also hate everything and everyone, and that's all you need to know about me, so you lot go ahead and introduce yourselves, starting with you on the right."
Sasuke stepped up… and drew a blank.
"I'm a stupid loser who loves instant ramen, and my special talent is making three-minute ramen in only two minutes fifty-nine seconds," 'Naruto' improvised. "My dream is to become Hokage, and my favourite activity is telling everyone about how much I want to be Hokage, even though there's no way it'll ever happen… right, and I hate soggy noodles."
Startled, the others glanced at him. That wasn't the right line… and also, he had forgotten to name himself.
"My name is Uchiha Sasuke," said 'Sasuke.' "My dream is to marry Sakura and revive the Uchiha clan. I'd like ten… no, twelve children. I like my eggs sunny-side up, and I hate my big brother, who killed my entire family for the fun of it."
Tsubaki stepped into the spotlight.
"My name is Uchiha Sakura," she said. "My dream is to bring peace to the shinobi continent by conquering and unifying the five elemental nations! I love peace, but if war is the only to achieve my goals, then I'll burn everything to the ground if I need to, sha!"
Was this really how the world saw the Sixth Hokage and the Hidden Leaf Village, Tsubaki thought to herself? Did they see them as bloodthirsty monsters who had started a world war on a whim?
"And so it was that the future Sixth Hokage and her new teammates set off on their very first adventure…"
From then on, the grand drapes opened and closed a few more times as the play progressed, each time opening to reveal a brand-new backdrop and stage props. The Land of Waves, the Chūnin Exams' Forest of Death and the amphitheatres where they duelled, the showdown with the Akatsuki outside the village, Kumogakure's mountains, the Land of the Sea, the desert sands of Sunagakure, the Land of Demons, the Fire Capital, Hōzuki Prison and the grassy plains of Kusagakure, the battle of titans against Itachi, the Land of Fire's north-western wastes and the battle against Hiruko, Pain's invasion of Konoha, the Land of Iron and the countdown to the Fourth Shinobi World War…
"Little did she know, the Sixth Hokage's ambitions of world domination and her dream of peace in her time were about to come to an end," the narrator concluded. "The strongest ninja in all the land had risen against the would-be tyrant and beaten back her armies to the Hidden Leaf Village, and as strong as she was, there was nothing she could do to prevent the impending destruction of her home…"