"Surrender, you dastardly villains!" the 'Raikage' shouted. He flexed his biceps, posing like a bodybuilder. "You're no match for our muscles and our brotherly power, ungh!
"You're just stupid if you keep fighting, stupid!" rapped 'Killer B.' "This battle has already concluded!"
Tsubaki stifled a laugh.
Was that next-to-last line supposed to be "Fool, ya fool"? Like many other details in this stupid play, the playwright had got Killer B's signature jab completely wrong. It seemed the true story of the Fourth Shinobi World War had got lost between this cross-continent game of Chinese whispers and the scriptwriter's artistic licence.
"Y-you haven't seen the last of us," 'Naruto' mumbled. "We're the demons of the Hidden Leaf Village, and we don't know the meaning of giving up… ya know."
Even though the play was drawing to an end, Sasuke still couldn't bring himself to get into character. The mere thought of people confusing him with that dim-witted fool was enough to make him break out in hives.
"Bwahaha!" 'Sakura' laughed loudly, planting her hands on her hips. "You may have won the war, Biribiri Bros., but I have won this battle!"
"Er, akshually, isn't winning a war better than winning a battle?" 'Killer B' said, pushing up his sunglasses smartly with his middle finger. "Shouldn't that be the other way around, Miss Dairy Cattle?"
A ripple of laughter propagated through the crowd. How very kooky!
"Weren't you wondering why we of the Hidden Leaf hired the Akatsuki to collect all the Tailed Beasts?" 'Sakura' laughed madly. "It was to create the ultimate weapon that could put an end to all wars! And now, I shall seal our fates with this kiss, triggering the weapon sealed within Naruto!"
"Those craven cowards are planning on taking us all out along with the Hidden Leaf!" exclaimed the 'Raikage.' "We must flee!"
The play's grand finale had reached its thrilling conclusion. The audience oohed as the spotlight fell onto 'Sakura' and 'Naruto,' the star-crossed lovers. Tsubaki and Sasuke looked deeply into each other's eyes, their cheeks blushing as their lips slowly drew closer…
BOOOM!
Startled, Sasuke and Tsubaki drew apart.
According to the script, the special effects technicians were supposed to fire sparklers in the background and strike a gong to simulate the detonation that would have annihilated the Hidden Leaf Village the moment they kissed, but it seemed they had jumped the gun.
"What the—"
"Duck!" Sasuke shouted, tackling the two actors in blackface to the ground.
Without warning, the decorated screen that served as the stage's backdrop tore in half with a loud shriiip as an enormous, scaly tail whipped through the air. Tsubaki dived and somersaulted forwards, narrowly avoiding having her head taken off by the tail's bone-spiked end.
"That's not a duck!" Tsubaki shrieked as she leapt to her feet. "That's a dinosaur!"
An enormous allosaurus charged through the shredded forest backdrop, tangled strips of the screen still clinging to its scaly body as it lunged at Sakura. Its jaws snapped shut on thin air, letting out a frustrated roar as she hastily flickered back to a safe distance.
"So cool! Can I have a dragon too, mum?"
"How did they make the dragon so realistic?
"What amazing special effects!"
It seemed the audience hadn't yet realised that this wasn't part of the play… but the moment they did, there would be a stampede for the exit. No matter what, she had to avoid causing a panic… a lot of parents had brought their children to watch the ninja show, and small children were only too easy to accidentally step on in the dark.
"Is this the secret weapon you brought to counter my Tailed Beasts, Biribiri Bros.?" Tsubaki shouted, trying not to imagine what would happen if even one of these banana-sized fangs closed around her soft body. "So weak! I'll dispatch it with a single punch, just watch!"
Tsubaki clenched her fist and launched herself at the carnivorous dinosaur. "Shannarooo!"
The allosaurus reeled as Tsubaki's small fist connected with the side of its head. It took a few plodding steps back, the wooden floor of the stage visibly warping under its weight. Sasuke immediately leapt into action, lightning licking at his surroundings as he charged at the beast and buried his hand in its chest…
"No good, there's something hard under its skin protecting its heart," he said as he jumped back to avoid its tiny claws. "If I discharge my Raikiri at full power, the civilians might get caught in the crossfire..."
The scent of iron filled Tsubaki's nostrils as fresh blood spurted from the dinosaur's chest wound.
"Reptiles often have a second set of ribs protecting their underbelly!" Tsubaki replied as she high-kicked the allosaurus in the chin, flipping backwards to Sasuke's side in the same motion as the dinosaur's head snapped back. "If the bone is too thick, you have to go in a bit from the side!"
Tsubaki glanced left and right. The other actors hadn't wasted any time running away, leaving them alone to confront the dinosaur.
"What an incredible turn of events! To think the Hidden Cloud had raised a dragon!" the narrator shouted obliviously. "How will the Sixth Hokage and her man deal with this mythological creature!?"
An excellent question indeed; how were they supposed to stop this monster? The wound on its underbelly had already healed, almost as if it were an Edo Tensei zombie… and yet, the dinosaur could still shed blood. Was this its special ability, or something else…?
"Crystal Style: Crystal Lance!"
Seeing that the dinosaur was charging once again, Tsubaki condensed a massive crystal spear around her arm and braced it against the ground. The dinosaur attempted to scrabble to a halt by digging its claws into the wooden floor, but try as it might to brake, it was too massive to stop straightaway, and its momentum carried it into the crystal spear, showering Tsubaki in its blood.
It had staked itself through the heart… but somehow, it was still alive. The crystal spear snapped in half as it reeled in agony, freshly regrown, bulging flesh forcing the crystalline spike out of the dinosaur's wound, and Tsubaki was forced to retreat to avoid its gnashing teeth.
"Dinosaurs are cold-blooded," Tsubaki muttered to herself as she prepared herself to mould ice chakra. "This ought to make it sleepy enough to capture and seal away…"
But the beast's recovery rate was even faster than she had anticipated. Taken off guard, she dodged sideways away from its massive jaws as it lunged, staring it in the eye with the fastest-acting genjutsu in the world…
"Genjutsu: Sharingan!"
…but it was no good; either her Saimingan was too weak, or the Sharingan's illusions didn't work on prehistoric monsters.
"Tsubaki!" Sasuke shouted as the dinosaur's maw closed around her. He focused his gaze on her, even as protective bone spikes sprouted from her body. "Amenotejikara!"