'What is life?'
I wasn't sure anymore.
A soft drizzle showered her tombstone as I watched an undertaker bury my mom, right next to my sister. I could only hear the shifting of sand as it was lifted and dumped onto her coffin. There wasn't much to say— even fewer people to say it to.
At some point, the shoveling stopped.
"I'm sorry for your loss."
The undertaker gave a short bow. I shook off my daze at that, giving the man a curt nod.
"Thank you."
He smiled, patting his cap before leaving.
"It's alright."
I found myself staring vacantly at the graves again, clutching the two white roses I'd bought. A voice finally spoke from behind me.
"Need some help with the flowers?"
I shook my head.
"It's fine. I can handle it."
I reached for a crutch attached to my wheelchair. It was awkward to reach from this angle, but I managed eventually.
Pain spiked across my back and chest the moment I stood up. A wave of nausea followed, crashing into me, forcing me to put most of my weight on the crutch.
I paused in that position, catching my breath.
"You don—"
"It's fine."
I cut him off. Gritting my teeth, I steadied myself.
"I'm fine."
I shuffled closer to the tombstones. They were simple graves, the stones mostly blank with only their names and dates engraved on them.
'Annabelle Arthur. 1982-2022'
'Lisa Annabelle. 2012-2022'
That was it. All of their existence condensed, buried. I was the only proof of their lives still left in this world. And even I would die soon.
Then what would be left?
Three faceless stones, with corpses that would become unidentifiable skeletons beneath them. Forgotten, unremarkable, just statistics.
'What is life?'
My life had been a gray, dirty slog for as long as I could remember. I had suffered, endured, picked myself up regardless of how many times I fell—all in hopes of one day witnessing that metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel.
Was this that light?
"Kh… I'm so sorry."
I choked, clutching my flowers even tighter before wiping my eyes. There was no point in crying; I'd done enough of that already.
The graves were in my focus again, and I still had flowers to drop. I tried bending to place the flowers, but my body protested at the sudden shift in weight, racking me with even more pain.
I took a moment to steady myself again, before sighing.
'I can't even drop flowers properly.'
In the end, I weakly tossed them onto the graves. One for Mother, one for Lisa.
I took a long look at the graves before turning.
Behind me stood a solemn man with greying hair. He pushed my wheelchair forward, giving me a worried look.
I forced a smile.
"Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Hans."
He gave a small nod at that, looking at the graves.
"There is no need to thank me, Leon. Your mother was the loveliest person I have ever met. I'm merely doing what I should as her colleague."
My smile grew a little more genuine at that.
"Yeah… Thank you. Thank you so much…"
I stifled a sob, wiping my eyes again. When I met Hans's gaze, all I could see was worry.
"I-It's fine. I'm fine."
I collapsed into the wheelchair.
Hans shot me a concerned look before picking up the crutches and attaching them to the wheelchair.
"Let's just go."
He wanted to say something—I was sure of that. But there really was nothing to be said. How does one comfort a dead man?
In the end, I only felt a pat on my shoulder.
"Haa… Sure thing, kid."
Then he pulled me back and pushed me toward his sedan.
'The rain…'
The previous pitter-patter of drizzle had been replaced with a moderate shower. The gray sky above me only promised worse to come.
'…seems to be increasing.'
---
The shower outside had turned into a full blown storm. Not that it changed my plans though, it might have even been for the better.
A notification drew my attention from the window to my phone.
[Your novel has 10 new follows]
Normally I would have been happy with such news. More follows meant more money afterall. Of course that was when there was still a point in living.
And yes that meant exactly what it sounded like, I planned on killing myself. In the past, I thought it would be a rather dramatic moment if it ever came down to it.
Surprisingly though I felt nothing, except a sense of tiredness and numbness. It is what it is afterall, the world had finally succeeded in taking everything from me, regardless of how hard I tried. It won, and I lost. GG's.
Still it did feel rather scummy to just leave my readers hanging, especially after that last arc. So I tapped the notification, entering the novel app.
There were a flood of notifications, mostly new comments about the last arc. I gave them a cursory scroll.
[Bananaking77: Author san must be pranking us, we're still in april. The arc was probably just a late april fools prank]
[Mantizz: @bananaking77 LMFAO the cope is real.]
[PainStan1: There is no way you just killed half of the main cast]
[Sun jin moo: @painstan1 The same f*cking thing happened in the last arc. Do you get off watching us suffer Author san?]
[Abyssalchaosdemonlord: @painstan1 there are spoiler tags for a reason.]
[Manofculture69: Does this novel have harem]
There were many more, either complaining about the last arc or begging the posters to use spoiler tags. Still, I didn't regret killing off that many characters; in fact, these guys were lucky I didn't kill more. Afterall, the world of my novel was brutal; in my opinion it would be unrealistic if fewer characters died.
Regardless, I clicked the community notes tab before typing:
[Novel going on indefinite hiatus due to health issues]
There were already two views immediately after I posted it. Before the comments started rolling in, I switched off the phone and tossed it aside.
I had to think of how to best kill myself.
---
After a little delibration, I decided to jump off the balcony. It was simple really, I had no access to guns, I didnt feel like bleeding myself to death and the hospital was rather strict in allocating sleeping pills, so I couldnt overdose. The most straightforward path was just jumping.
I stood before the balcony, my body screaming at me to go back to bed, to rest, to stop this stupid plan. A shame though, I had long since crossed the rubicon.
The rain still fell relentlessly outside, I'd be soaked the moment I stepped out. It wouldn't feel nice at all, not even a little. Never been a fan of the rain.
Even so, I realized I was just stalling for time now. So with a deep breath, I clenched the door knobs and opened them.
The rain gave me a body wide slap, then another, and another before I finally came to my senses and covered my face with an elbow. The now soaked hospital gown clung uncomfortably to my violently shivering body.
"Damn!"
I cursed through chattering teeth, I really hated the rain. Still, I wouldn't stop here. Squinting, I could barely see the outline of railings through the storm. I ditched my crutches and ran for it, slipping midway as my legs collapsed under my weight. Still, I managed to get one arm on the railing. Using that as a lever, I dragged my body closer to the railing.
I felt like collapsing then and there, my legs felt like lead and my vision was already swimming. But then I'd die from the rain and hypothermia, which if I was being honest seemed like a rather lame way to die. I'd already made it this far, so I'll be damned if I didn't die with a bang.
Gritting my teeth, I threw my other arm onto the railing and pulled even harder, trying to place my body on it. My efforts were met with middling success; I was able to get my abdomen on the railings but my legs still proved stubborn. I was already losing feeling in both, and any effort I made to move them brought no response other than jitters.
That's when I heard it. The sound of knocking on my room door.
It might have been due to fear, it might have been a reflex action, truly it might have been anything that caused it. But suddenly, my useless, unresponsive legs kicked against the ground, launching me over the railings and I suddenly found myself hurtling face first towards the ground from the 10th floor of the building.
'Oh.'
My last thoughts weren't about my life, my parents, my novel or anything of the sort. It was simply that. I felt the rush of the wind, rain hitting my side, an odd sense of weightlessness. Then there was a sudden, sharp, crushing and all-encompassing pain. I blacked out immediately.