I am the Last Dragonborn, Arch-Mage of Winterhold, General of the Empire, Harbinger of the Companions, Dawnguard founder and destroyer, Guildmaster of the Thieves Guild, the legendary Nightingale, savior of the world… and so on.
Yet when I walk among mortals, no one recognizes me.
Not because I hide my name, nor because my deeds go untold, and certainly not because of my looks. No—it's because the game developers are a bunch of brain-dead toddlers!
"You! Yeah, you, the gate-guarding dimwit! I don't care if your knees ever took an arrow. Do you know who I am? That's right—me! The Empire general, Winterhold Arch-Mage, the Companions'… Ugh, forget it. I can already tell you're clueless."
"N-no, I do know you! That time someone in Whiterun died… You were there. You're with the Dark Brotherhood! Please, spare me! Don't kill me!"
The soldier cowered before him, whimpering.
......
Bjorn hurled his mouse across the room.
What garbage!
This game logic is rubbing my IQ into the dirt!
Aren't assassins supposed to keep their identities secret? So why does this random gate guard—half a map away from anything—know my darkest secrets? And why does none of my glorious titles register with him?!
Trash. Absolute trash.
Bjorn had officially lost faith in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.
Slap! He smacked his own thigh.
Why am I even upset? I didn't reopen this dumpster fire for the gameplay!
Ahem.
Bjorn straightened up, clearing his throat. Truth was, he'd only reinstalled the game after hearing about a… certain "gentleman mod." With so many half-baked mods flooding the scene these days, someone had to test them—to protect fellow enthusiasts from scams! If the mod sucked, he'd take one for the team and report it. Sacrifices had to be made.
"Found it! Fast download… and… done!" He grinned at his monitor.
…
Skyrim had been a cycle of installs and uninstalls for Bjorn. The game grew stale after hours of play, but mods kept dragging him back. Eventually, he'd left it installed permanently—a bloated 50GB monstrosity stuffed with thousands of mods. Yet he'd never finished the main quest.
Who cared about destiny when there were cheese wheels to steal?
…...
"Why is it so slow?" He glared at the 100KB/s download speed. A pop-up taunted him: Boost speed with Premium!
Oh, so that's their game?
"No way I'm paying for this!" Bjorn sneered.
Minutes later.
"SCAM! Even with Premium, it's slower than a turtle!" He flipped off the screen.
With the download crawling, he decided to kill time watching Avengers: Infinity War. Not that he couldn't afford a ticket—but going to theaters alone? Might as well walk into a crematorium. His roommates? All coupled up.
Sigh.
The pirated camrip video proved unwatchable: shaky footage, muffled audio, and some idiot filming a making-out couple instead of the action.
Burn them, For fuck sakes!
Giving up, Bjorn reopened Skyrim, loading an ancient save file.
Where am I? Sovngarde? Off to fight Alduin? Nah—I'm here to chill.
He fast-traveled to Riften for his usual zen-like routine: pickpocket innkeepers "taxing the rich", toss coins to beggars "charity", and brawl with guards who somehow still attacked their own Thieves Guild leader.
Logic? What logic?
An hour later, he was jailed in Riften for "assaulting" a guard—despite declaring every title from "Dragonborn" to "Daedric Champion."
Clang. The cell door shut.
Mid-rant, a pop-up froze his game.
"Insufficient resources. Download failed."
Wait—my mod! My… 'amorous adventure'—gone?!
Defeated, he switched back to the movie.
Thor had just axe-chopped Thanos… in the chest, not the head. Idiot! Aim higher!
Cue the Snap.
But then—plot twist! The gauntlet flew off Thanos hand. Bjorn blinked.
Is Marvel doing slapstick now?
Bzzt—
his screen flashed blue.
"No! Not now!" He smacked the monitor. A golden gauntlet tumbled out, glowing with cosmic energy.
"Am I… tripping?" Trembling, he picked it up—cold, solid, real.
Thunk! He bonked his forehead with it.
"OW! Holy fuck, it's REAL! I'm RICH! I'm—wait, what's my hero name? Gauntlet Guy? Infinity Dude?!"
As he danced an embarrassing '80s shuffle', the gauntlet clicked. A blue gem dislodged, hitting the floor—
Snap.
"BOOM"
His room exploded.
The End.