Alphonse Jenkins didn't expect to die choking on a Popeyes biscuit during a TikTok mukbang challenge, but here he was—floating in a dark void, confused, hungry, and extremely dusty.
"Damn… that's how I go out? Not even a spicy chicken sandwich in sight?" he muttered.
Suddenly, a ping echoed through the void.
*SYSTEM ACTIVATED: YOU HAVE BEEN REBORN IN THE SEVEN SWORDS DRAGON DONG CONTINENT*
*New Identity Generated: TYRONE BLACKMANE*
*Cultivation System Bound: THE HOOD SYSTEM*
Alphonse blinked. "Wait. Why my name gotta be Tyrone now? And what in the crunchy granola hell is the 'Dragon Dong Continent'?!"
Another ping.
*MISSION 001: Say "You have eyes and don't see Mount Tai Luther King?!" ten times. Reward: 1 spirit stone*
*MISSION 002: Survive the next 3 minutes without getting kidnapped by a lusty sect elder. Reward: Your dignity*
Tyrone felt a sudden pull, immediately opening his eyes.
The world was sparkling almost magical.
In front of him stood a magical tree made of chicken from KFC
"Wtf, how could this be?"
He immediately darted towards it, taking a bite.
*Ping* "Host has succombed to the desire tree, Health points falling : 80%...50%..30%"
"Fuck!" Tyrone said with teary eyes, this was the most delicious chicken he had ever tasted.
"26%...25%...23%..."
"Fucking hell! all for chicken!" Tyrone almost burst into tears.
As he spoke, the tree immediately turned into a watermelon.
"Fuck! Atleast give me what I want in my moment of death!" Tyrone cried honest tears.
"10%..8%....3%...0%"
*Ping*
*Host is dead*
*Initialising rebirth*
Tyrone Blackmane, former Dao of Disrespect Incarnate, had died once again—this time choked on spirit chicken wings coated in soul-level spice. A worthy death.
Now, he opened his eyes in another world.
"God dammit, again?"
The skies above him screamed. Thunder cracked like Zeus was beatboxing.
Two ancient cultivators floated midair, surrounded by energy so wild it made the clouds part like Moses got a promotion.
"I, GRAND ELDER THUNDERSCROTUM, CLAIM THE JADE BEAUTY!"
"Nay, FOOL! SHE BELONGS TO MY NINE-HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD HEART!"
They were fighting over someone below them—a stunning figure with flawless jade skin, glistening lips, and legs that could start sect wars. Flowing green robes shimmered around them, and soft, seductive eyes peered through silky bangs.
Tyrone stared.
"…Damn shawty bad."
Then the system dinged.
*WARNING: Jade Beauty has a 99.8% chance of being a high-level Femboy cultivator*
"…HELL NAH!"
Before he could move, the two grandpas turned toward him.
"WHO DARES GAZE UPON THE JADE SAINT?!"
Tyrone panicked. His instincts kicked in. He raised his voice three octaves and bent one knee.
"Please don't hurt me, great sirs. I—I'm just a humble… maiden."
*System: Lying detected.
Roll: Deception.
Result: 17/20.
Grandpas are 85% convinced. Proceed.*
The two old men stroked their beards.
"Mmm… yes. Look at those thighs—no man has such curvature and he's black, such a rare obsidian beauty!"
Tyrone almost vomited but maintained the act. "Teehee…"
Then a third figure appeared.
He was older. Wiser. His beard was braided into the shape of a dragon.
Grand Elder Sagely NoCap descended slowly, eyes narrowed.
"This one lies."
He sniffed the air.
"There is Axe body spray in the wind… and the faint scent of… Cheetos."
Everyone gasped.
"EXPOSE HIM!"
Tyrone stood frozen as dozens of ancient cultivators descended on him like a Twitter mob.
"Any last words, faker?!"
Tyrone raised one hand, then paused.
"She isn't a jade beauty but a femboy! Tyrone screamed.
"WHAT?!!!" The elders were absolutelty shocked!!
The femboy even screamed : "HE'S LYING! I AM A JADE BEAUTY, NOT A FEMBOY!!"
Tyrone couldn't understand why she or he was so hysterical but the femboy knew it well, she screamed not because she wanted to entice these old geezers but because being known as a femboy would shock the entire region if known.
"We came looking for gold but we found a diamond!" The ancient cultivators hovered midair, their wrinkled eyes filled with lustful madness, Qi trembled, all of them licked their lips, some had their mouths foaming, their aura flaring with unholy thirst.
"Such divine curves, she looks almost like a woman! No! a woman could never have such curves! only a femboy cultivator can transcend these limitations and ascend! but the fact in such a small nation, a femboy could appear!"
A jade beauty, everyone could get it, but a femboy, only legendary cultivators could have them, this was like buying a chicken but finding it was a phoenix!
A femboy was a legendary existence only gods could get, wars would start because of them, disasters would strike if they appeared, this was beyond what these cultivators could handle, legendary cultivators could arrive at any moment! But the lust in their eyes and desire for higher cultivation made them immediately rush towards him!
However as they looked the femboy had already moved to Tyrone!
"You fucker! it's all because of you, if you hadn't spoken, I could have escaped but now, even if I escaped them, legendary cultivators would chase me to the end of the world!"
The cultivators approached tyrone.
"Kill him! Don't let him taint our divine beauty!"
"Wait! What if he's a femboy too!"
The cultivators were shocked, they looked closely, the graceful curves, his high chest, they were shocked at the fact that that was possible.
"Holy shit! we struck jackpot!"
"What the hell, since when could one find one femboy! let alone two!"
"I must have it! I must! even if I die today!"
The cultivators rushed towards tyrone, he was shocked but his eyes showed resolution.
"…If this is gonna be my end, I ain't going out like no punk."
He pointed both hands forward.
"KAME… HAME…"
The sky dimmed. The wind held its breath.
"HA!!!!!!!"
*Warning: User does not know how to use Kamehameha.
Executing anyway…*
A beam of energy erupted from Tyrone's hands, blowing away wigs, eyebrows, and two grandpas instantly.
The ground cracked. The heavens paused. The Femboy gasped.
Tyrone stared at his palms.
"…HOLY SH*T IT WORKED???"
*SYSTEM UNLOCK: Anime Cultivator Path. You now have access to all powers from anime you have watched. Current skills acquired: Kamehameha, Rasengan, Sharingan (Budget Version), Gear Second, and Gojo's One-Liner Ability*
Tyrone blinked. "Yo, this world might actually slap."
...
Chapter 2: Tyrone and the Jade Trap Make Their Escape
The remaining grandpas looked shook.
"HE'S AN ANIME CULTIVATOR?! IMPOSSIBLE!"
Tyrone turned toward the femboy, who was still serving face and slaying effortlessly despite the destruction.
"You good?"
The Jade Beauty fluttered his lashes. "I… I've never seen such raw power. Or such a well-maintained hairline."
Tyrone scooped him up bridal style—no time for questions.
"Hold on, lil bro—I mean… queen—I mean… look, I don't even know anymore, just grab tight!"
He activated Gear Second. His body steamed up like a boiled dumpling.
VROOM
They vanished in a blur of Jordan-shaped afterimages, running faster than plot holes in Naruto.---
Hours later, they found shelter in an abandoned spirit barbecue joint.
The Jade Beauty leaned in close. "You saved me. Why?"
Tyrone sighed. "Look, I ain't tryna get turned into no spirit prison by horny grandpas. And you… you looked like you needed backup. Even if you had me confused for a sec."
The femboy laughed. "They call me Lianhua… the Jade Trap of Destiny. I've been hunted for centuries."
"Well now you got someone crazier than them to deal with." Tyrone cracked his knuckles. "And I got the power of anime, hood instincts, and zero patience for sus cultivators."
Lianhua smiled. "Then together, we might survive this cursed realm."
Tyrone smirked, charging up a Rasengan in one hand and spinning a do-rag into a headband.
"Bet. Let's go violate some grandpas."