Czarina
System Malfunction!
I ran as fast as I could.
An error has occurred.
Each step I took replayed each words that triggered my anxiety.
Turning back wasn't even an option.
"Czarina!" Behind me, a breathless Kade chased after me with unspoken pleading evident in his desperate voice. The urge to turn around was tempting, but my stubborn heart overpowered that urge with the memories of my pathetic mistakes kept in mind.
As always, I was a failure. Only this time, both my doubts and worries overwhelmed me to the point where I could no longer shake the unsettling feeling of being a complete failure. As I stopped to catch my breath, everything that had recently happened replayed in my head and foreign emotions started to overwhelm me.
I crouched in the middle of the road as I started to break down in tears. I couldn't breathe.
My heart was beating so fast I was afraid it would explode. I just wanted the whole world to stop, even it was just for a few moments. I felt a lingering feeling surge through me as I realized I was standing on top of a bridge, deserted by the usual vehicles due to the sudden storm.
A bridge. I slowly stood up as rain drops trickled down my face, mixing with my tears. I peered over the edge of the bridge as endless thoughts swarmed my head, all settling on one impulsive decision: Jump.
Though my heart raced excitedly in an unusual way at the sudden thought, the rest of my body strongly opposed it.
My entire body froze—not from the cold but from shock.
Such a thought had never once occurred to me. Not until now.
Had I finally become so hopeless that death seemed to be the only option? Chuckling, I realized I was.
Was I that out of options for me to choose that?
Maybe not. Sure, there were other choices for me to debate on, but all of them required me to suffer.
And more than anything, I was already sick of enduring. But I still felt reluctant about my decision.
Though, if I thought about it, ending things like this was probably the easiest way out of my pathetic problems.
Though no one in their right mind would think so, I wasn't thinking straight to begin with. In the middle of my doubts, everything that happened suddenly came back to me, as if to remind me of every terrible thing I've been through and to justify my first option. In the whirlwind of a failed mission, countless accusations directed at me, which later on led me to several arguments, all resulted in an increase in my anxiety to the point I was unable to handle.
So, without thinking twice, I ran away.
The moment I set foot outside HQ, I immediately felt refreshed from all the stress I was struggling to bear.
Fortunately, it was raining violently outside and just a few seconds in contact with the rain had my entire body drenched.
My hair was already soaking wet as I ran faster, not caring if I tripped or fell. My mind was so set on running away that I didn't notice Kade was running after me.
But as I kept running, I managed to lose him.
"It's not your fault." Out of everyone I thought would believe me, he was the person I least expected to take my side.
He had tried to reassure me during the commotion earlier, but thanks to my anxious thoughts towards the mishap, I was unable to relax myself with his words of comfort.
It's not your fault.
I badly wanted to believe that if I could.
Honestly, I hoped to believe that.
But at the time, it had seemed that the whole world was against me and nothing I said mattered anymore. And here I am, hopeless under the crying rain, shedding my own unjustified tears. I was left with only one thought I no longer wanted to contradict.
I peered over the bridge once more.
The gap between where I was and the water's surface didn't seem very far but I knew more than that.
As someone who almost drowned here during my early years as a young agent, I already knew from experience how deep this river was. Taking in a deep breath, I got ready to jump.
Above me, a loud growl occurred, indicating a gruesome thunder that was soon followed by a streak of lighting— coming in my direction!
The moment it struck me, I felt an extreme pain mixed with a surge of energy jolt right through me as I suddenly began to feel dizzy.
Without warning, my vision started to blur as I collapsed towards my intended destination—the river! The moment I hit the surface, I felt my entire body freeze from the cold as my senses instantly numbed.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't move.
Was I finally at the brink of death?
But this was what I wanted, wasn't it?
So, just like that, I let myself drown. And that, along with the unforgettable pain of my lungs being filled with water and the choking feeling as water endlessly filled my mouth, became the last memory I had before I became unconscious.