I woke up very late today, and my body felt so heavy that I could hardly move. My head was splitting in two, and the bile rising in my throat was sharper than ever. It was the last day... it would be fine. But even that consolation wasn't helping. None of this was supposed to happen. It was never meant to get this far, yet here I was, ready to face everything head-on. No fear. No regrets. I should've stopped the first time; I should've gone back to sleep. I... I just don't know what overcame me. Now that's the biggest lie anyone can tell themselves. I do know what came over me, just!!! That was it. There was so much of it that I couldn't control myself. Now look at what I did. I would figure it out, though. I always did.
It was the last day of the second semester, and we had an exam that day... the final paper. Because of everything that happened the day before... no, that dawn, I was still feeling a bit groggy. I left very late and was in the corridor when he came and told me that we needed to talk. My heart started racing again because I had no idea what I would say to him. I only nodded and walked away as he left to perform his duties in the dormitory. I couldn't function properly during morning prep that day; all I could think about was a lie to save myself, to free myself from this worry. But I found none.
You see, I did a very bad thing—something that no one should be able to look at me the same way after finding out. But the thing is, even though I felt bad, it wasn't enough. I didn't feel so bad that I wanted to go back in time and change what happened... no. If I went back, I would do it again without getting caught. How nice it felt to think about that right now. I shook my head, quickly trying to banish those thoughts. I had to focus and come up with something, anything, to help me convince him not to tell anyone... or else that would be it.
"Hold on, Jake!" he called out, quickly catching up to me and grabbing my wrists. "Why would you do that to me? We're friends. Why me? It could've been someone else, anyone else."
"Forget about it, Samuel. Sleep and forget," I replied, wriggling my hands out of his grasp and running back to my bed. After rinsing my mouth and getting rid of it all, I realised this was as much his fault as it was mine. He wouldn't put this burden on only me. I wouldn't allow it.
I woke up with beads of sweat on my forehead, not even realising I had fallen asleep. Hm... I hadn't learned anything for the exam, either. But it was math, so I had no issue with that. Surprisingly, I felt calm at that moment, even after the dream. Then... I saw him walking towards my class with such vigour and purpose. My heart started racing again, but I kept a cool expression. I didn't wait for him to enter my class, fearing he might throw a tantrum. Instead, I met him outside the door and told him to walk with me.
"What happened yesterday?" he asked. I still had no answer, and by answer, I mean a lie. My mind raced, searching for something to grasp onto, something to keep me sane. My head was splitting again, and I needed to maintain my sanity.
Then, out of nowhere, I finally had it. My lie, my refuge, my only comfort. Hopefully, he would buy it.
We are in the library now. And he asks again "What happened this midnight?" I was calm now, happy even I'd finally found something to say.
"Did I ever tell you how my wrist got burnt?" "No," he said. Well, it was so long ago. I can't even remember how old I was. I dreamt of ironing, and in the dream, I accidentally put the iron on my wrist. I screamed, and when I woke up, I was standing on a chair, the heavy iron still pressing down on my wrist. I was so little then, it was years later that what happened finally made sense to me.
"What does this have to do with what happened?" He asked.
Long story short...I act out my dreams sometimes....well it's only happened once before. I didn't think it'd ever happen again. I'm really sorry.
What?! You're telling me you dreamt of sucking my dick?! Why would you even dream of that??!
I flinched when he said that. He made it sound so vulgar. It was an abomination. I mean it was...over here it was.
I don't know why...how do you expect me to know?
Well, for one, it's your dream, so...?
Did you kiss me? Yes, of course I did, dummy.
But I didn't say this...obviously.
How would I know? I wasn't fully conscious remember?
Tell me about it then...you're dream.
What??? I don't want to think about it, Sam, come on. "Don't you ever call me that again" he said. His voice was split threatening. I just froze.
Tell me about your dream. I want every last detail of it. I told him then. Even though it was hard for me to do. I added every needed bit of vile to my tone to make him believe that I truly hated myself for it.
Are you gay? he asked when I finished.
No!! How could you even ask me such a question? This question always made my heart race, and I always gave the wrong answer.
Well if you aren't then why have such dreams about me? Also, you took it all the way, like a pro.
I don't know, I said. But the truth is, I did.
This shit head had been leading me on since day one. Hugging me, touching me playfully, and all that. He'd even fucked me before...of course as a funny joke. And no he wasn't hard. He didn't have to be. I quite remember the time he was just staring at me while he was hard, smiling at me when I woke him up one morning. And oh! Holding my hand to sleep too just the day before! He gave me those thoughts, he made me think he liked me. And now he's trying to put this on me only??! He woke up one time when I was gobbling his dick down! And I just feigned sleep. He should've left but what'd he do? He whispered my name so slightly and raised my freaking eyelids to check whether I was still asleep. Then, he lay back fucking down and held his stupid dick up after covering my head with a blanket. And like the reasonable person I am, I continued. Ohh, how good it felt when his dick was pulsing in my mouth, when he was close. He then woke up again and I just got up and acted like I had also just woken up. I got down from the bed and he chased me with all those foolish questions. What the actual hell did he think he was doing trying to make it seem like I was the fucking devil. He wanted this as much as I did. He'd get nothing from lying to himself. I hated how I couldn't tell him all of this, how I had to keep it bottled up inside me. All because I was dealing with a fucking five year old! I hated him so much, but not more than I hated myself for not being able to put a leash on my desires,my lust. Well what's done has been done. There's no changing it.
Gee, Jake I don't know what to do with all this. I feel like talking to someone about it.
No!! You can't do that. Think about what'd it do to me. The people that would hate me and push me away. It'd ruin me...I'd kill myself Samuel. I could even go to jail or something. Please just don't tell anyone else about it. I put in a few tears to be more convincing.
I'll think about it, he said. Then he stood up and left.
I sat there for a while, wiping my face. And I smiled at the thought of that fool. I can't believe he actually believed me. Or maybe he didn't. Well I'll find out sooner or later.
I left to go write my exam. This thing wouldn't drag me down. No matter what.