School had closed now, and the exam went well as expected. As I walked back to the dormitory, the same worry filled my chest again: what if he decides to tell someone? I'd be screwed. Not everyone would believe my story, that I have a "mental problem". But I have to put on a brave face. He can't find out now. Now is too early. I can't break now. I've held it together for too long. I'll see this through.
I was able to get to my cubicle without running into him...thank the heavens. And I began to pack to go back home. I was leaving first thing at dawn, with some friends of mine. I stay quite far and have to make it before nightfall. I was done packing and decided to walk around the dorm to ease my restlessness. Jake! I froze. My lips went dry and I just stood there until he reached where I was standing.
I've decided not to tell anyone, he said. Only then did I turn to him. And with as much false gratitude and relief as I could muster, I thanked him. Thanks so much for understanding Samuel, it really means so much to me. Don't sweat it, we're friends.
But I really do want to help you with your mental problem, he said. I rolled my eyes.
I do not have a mental problem, Samuel. I'm perfectly fine. And no, it's not a spirit either. It was all me, I added in my head. He squints at me then, and I really couldn't care less about what he's thinking about. We're vacating tomorrow. I have him in control, for now at least. He walks off, and I stare at him thinking, when did I become such a good liar? When did I become such a monster? Literally assaulting someone sensually and not feeling bad for it. Now don't get me wrong, I did feel bad, but not for the right reasons. I feel bad that I was caught, that he thinks I'm either possessed or deranged. I feel bad that he can stand somewhere one day and say, That guy sucked my dick in my sleep. And he and his friends will recoil in disgust and hatred for me, at me. So yes I do feel bad. But I don't wish it had never happened, oh no. If I could go back in time, I'd do it again and wouldn't get caught. And I myself know that that's not a normal thing to think. Maybe I am mentally unwell after all....but it's not my fault. I've been hurt too, a long long time ago. It was only recently that I realised how deep the wounds run. But like every other person, I'm also looking for someone to put my actions on, someone to point a finger at, to say, "all this happened because of you"," if you hadn't done what you did none of this would've happened, I wouldn't be here".
I hated this place, I hated the people here. I wanted to scream till my throat hurt. I wanted to go back to Samuel and tell him, "Yes I sucked your dick in your sleep, no I wasn't half conscious or anything, no I didn't act out any fucking dream!!" All of that was me and only me. No spirit, no mental problem, nothing! It was all me!!! I can't say it out loud...my final truth. My head is splitting, I need to lie down, to sleep. To sleep and never wake up. I want such a death. Swift, peaceful, quiet.
No one would want to be my friend if they found out. People would look at me differently, separate me from the rest of humanity. That's how it was here. In other parts of the world, I'd be free, happy perhaps and I'd be able to love without being hated. The hate would be there though but it'd be so little I wouldn't even have to acknowledge it. But not here. In extreme cases, I could be beaten to death. I didn't deserve that. Not in the least. I had to die beautifully, to compensate for the ugly life I've lived. But maybe this is the worst. It has to be. I can't go any further. I'll change. I have to. I've become a horrible, horrible person. I can't continue like this. It'll destroy me utterly....eventually. I can't let it. I'll change.
I cried myself to sleep that night.