Chapter 15 – The Audit Team Arrives
Ne Job woke up to the sound of ka-thunk ka-thunk ka-thunk—not from a divine drum or celestial gong, but from the repeated stamping of forms outside his cubicle.
He groaned. "Didn't I just survive a mountain of paperwork yesterday?"
Assistant Yue poked her head over the cubicle wall, her expression flat as usual. "Correction: you survived half a mountain. The other half is waiting for you."
Before Ne Job could protest, the Bureau floor trembled. The jade tiles rippled as if someone had tossed a boulder into the building itself. Scroll racks rattled, ink pots shook, and an entire row of immortal pens burst from their holders, flying across the office like startled birds.
"Ah," Yue said with the same tone one might use when announcing rain. "They're here."
"Who's 'they'?" Ne Job asked, ducking just in time as a rogue brush stabbed into the wall like a dart.
Yue adjusted her glasses. "The Audit Team."
---
Enter the Audit
The golden doors at the end of the hall exploded open with an unnecessarily dramatic BOOM. A dozen figures in identical crimson robes marched inside in perfect unison, each clutching tablets of jade inscribed with glowing runes.
At their head was a tall, thin man with razor-sharp eyebrows and a beard shaped like a calligraphy stroke. His nameplate—polished to a blinding shine—read:
Senior Auditor: Inspector Zhen.
Behind him, clerks scribbled on floating parchments, recording everything from the dust levels on shelves to how many ink drops had been spilled that morning.
"Attention, Division of Celestial Mortal Affairs!" Inspector Zhen's voice rang like a thunderclap. "By decree of the Heavenly Oversight Bureau, we have arrived to conduct a surprise audit."
Ne Job whispered to Yue, "Does Heaven not know the meaning of the word 'surprise'? That entrance was louder than my dad's scolding."
Zhen's hawk-like gaze immediately snapped toward him. "You there. New face. Identify yourself."
Ne Job froze like a rabbit before a hawk. "Uh—Ne Job. Intern. Temporary. Disposable. Please don't put me in a report."
Yue calmly pushed him back into his chair. "He's with me."
"Hm." Zhen scribbled something down with a stylus that gleamed with bureaucratic malice.
---
Forms, Forms, and More Forms
The auditors spread out across the hall, swarming over desks like ants. One began measuring the angle of the filing cabinets. Another was sniffing the ink to determine its quality. A third was counting the number of staples used on each form.
Ne Job watched in horror as one auditor picked up his messy stack of incomplete forms. "These," the auditor sniffed, "are unsigned."
"They're drafts!" Ne Job yelped.
The auditor raised a brow. "Drafts require a Draft Submission Form, triplicate, countersigned by your immediate supervisor and blessed by the Seal of Provisional Drafting."
Ne Job blinked. "That's a form about forms?"
"Yes," the auditor said, deadpan. "Would you like me to fetch you the Form Requesting Forms Form?"
Ne Job collapsed onto his desk. "Kill me now."
---
Lord Bureaucrat Xian's Performance
At that moment, Lord Bureaucrat Xian emerged from his private office, robes resplendent, hair tied with a golden clasp. He looked perfectly composed, though his twitching eyelid betrayed a storm beneath.
"Inspector Zhen," Xian greeted with the thinnest smile imaginable. "To what do we owe this… visit?"
"Routine inspection," Zhen said smoothly. "Heaven suspects this division of inefficiency, disorder, and possibly corruption."
The entire hall gasped. Even Yue raised her eyebrows a millimeter.
Lord Xian clasped his hands serenely. "Corruption? Preposterous. Our division has never been more efficient. In fact, productivity has increased by—"
"Twenty-three percent?" Zhen interrupted, flipping through glowing scrolls. "Yes, I saw that. Which is why Heaven suspects falsification of records."
Xian's smile froze.
Ne Job whispered to Yue, "So basically, if you do badly, you're incompetent. If you do well, you're lying."
"Exactly," Yue murmured. "That's why no one wins audits."
---
Trouble with Princess Ling
As if things weren't chaotic enough, Princess Ling strolled in, sipping from a jeweled teacup as if the audit were a stage play for her amusement.
"My, my," she said, her tone sweet as poisoned honey. "What a lively inspection. I do hope you find everything in order. It would be such a shame if this division… collapsed."
Her eyes lingered on Ne Job, and he shivered.
"Princess Ling," Inspector Zhen said, bowing slightly. "Always a pleasure."
Ling smiled like a cat watching mice. "Do be thorough. Especially with the interns."
Ne Job choked on his own spit.
---
Audit Test: The Trial Task
Inspector Zhen snapped his fingers, and a scroll unrolled in midair. "We shall begin with a Trial Task. We will randomly assign one worker a sudden order from Heaven. Their performance shall determine this division's credibility."
Everyone held their breath. Ne Job silently prayed, Please not me, please not me, please not me—
The scroll glowed, then pointed directly at him.
"Intern Ne Job."
The office erupted in muffled groans. Yue pinched the bridge of her nose. Lord Xian looked like he'd just swallowed a lemon. Princess Ling smirked behind her teacup.
Ne Job raised a trembling hand. "Um… what kind of task are we talking about?"
Zhen's lips curled. "Deliver this Divine Summons to the Mortal Realm, have it signed by the target, and return within one incense stick's burning."
The scroll materialized in Ne Job's hands. It was heavy, pulsing with golden light—and hissing faintly, like it was alive.
Ne Job's jaw dropped. "One incense stick?! That's, like, fifteen minutes! I don't even know how to get to the Mortal Realm!"
"Then you had better learn quickly," Zhen said coolly. "Time… is already ticking."
The scroll pulsed louder, like a heartbeat.
---
Cliffhanger
Ne Job looked at the glowing summons in his hands, then at Yue, then at Lord Xian.
"Uh, do we have a manual for this?" he asked weakly.
Princess Ling leaned closer, her eyes glittering. "Oh, intern, don't worry. Either you succeed… or you'll be remembered as the reason this entire division was shut down."
The scroll gave a sharp CRACK as golden chains coiled around it, ready to explode if delayed.
Ne Job swallowed hard. "Oh great. I'm about to speedrun unemployment… and possibly death."
And with that, the scroll yanked him off his feet, dragging him straight toward the nearest portal.