Minutes passed in silence. His arms were still around me, and I could feel the heat of his chest against my back. My heart pounded so loudly I was afraid he could hear it. Finally, I whispered, "Let me go."
He loosened his arms and quietly walked out of the room.
I pulled the blanket over my head, curling into a ball. I hate myself. I hate it. I hate that I can't control my brain and heart.
Every time I saw him, his name filled every corner of my mind. Neel. Neel. Neel. It was everywhere. My chest ached for a tight hug, a closeness. But I never let him feel that, nor did I tell him, after he once said, 'Nothing is going to happen between us. We're cousins.'
And the truth? I didn't want anything to happen either. He wasn't the kind of boy I wanted. I didn't even like him that way. But my heart betrayed me, beating wildly whenever he was near.Even on that movie night.
When he left, emptiness consumed me, and I craved the comfort of his arms again. But I knew within two days, the feeling would fade, as if nothing had happened.
What is love, really? I wondered. I could lose interest in Tori within ten days, even after three years of feelings for him. But this strange, messy pull toward Neel had lasted just as long. My heart confused me, tormented me.
Thinking of all this, I drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, we set out again—Marine Drive Road, the Himchari waterfall, and finally, parasailing. I was too afraid to try, so I just laughed and watched the others soaring in the sky. Later, I wanted to ride a horse. When I tried to mount, I couldn't reach. Neel grabbed my arm, lifted me up, and then—before I could protest—sat behind me.
"Don't sit with me!" I hissed.
He only laughed. "Look at the others—they're having fun too."
I clenched my jaw. "We need to talk."
"Fine," he said. "When the others return to the hotel, I'll take you to Fish World. We'll talk there."
At Fish World, I was enchanted. Tanks filled with vibrant fish surrounded us, and for a moment, it felt like we were under the sea. But then my chest grew heavy again.
"Let's sit for a while," I said. My voice shook.
And then I spilled everything.
I told him how I had felt for years, how every time he was near, my brain and heart went out of control. How I hated myself for it, how confused it all made me. And finally, I begged him—"Stop doing these kinds of things to me. Don't act like this. I don't want anything to happen between us. You're not the kind of boy I want."
He looked at me for a long moment. Then, softly, he said, "I understand."
And he left.
I didn't know when or how. One moment he was there, the next he was gone. But the absence tore me apart. My chest caved in, my eyes filled with tears I couldn't stop.
I need a hug, I thought desperately. Just one hug from him.
Before I knew it, I was running, calling his name.
"Neel!"
He turned, startled, as I threw myself into his arms. I pushed him back until his body hit the wall. My face buried in his chest, trembling, tears wetting his shirt.
I held him tightly, as if letting go would shatter me completely.