The morning is hitting us today. It's 9 am. I immediately get up from my bed and open the window of the room. It still looks like late evening, but this is how early winters look in Shanghai. I think winter is about to start. I should take out my warm clothes, otherwise Mama will scold me for catching a cold.
Then I realized something.
What I just said is never going to happen. She will never care or love me the way she used to before.
"What happened Shiza, why did you get up so early in the morning? It's only 5 am," Wang Ruoxi said.
"Open your eyes properly and check the time on your phone. It's not 5 am, it's 9 am in the morning. And we have a 10 am class today with Professor Zhang Ruotang."
"Before in school we had Mr. Li Wenhao, and now in Shanghai University we have Professor Zhang Ruotang. What a cursed life we have," Wang Ruoxi said.
"Stop exaggerating things. Now get ready for class."
Then we were on our way in the corridor going to class. Then she asked me, "Hey, where are our assignments? I think we need to go back to our dorm, we left them in our room."
"Relax Ruoxi," I said calmly. "I already took both of our assignments. They're in my bag, don't worry."
"Wow, you are something, Shiza."
"Stop buttering me."
We reached our class on time. We sat in our seats together like we always do.
Then Professor Zhang Ruotang arrived. He teaches us History and Theory of Interior Architecture.
He announced the moment he entered, "Everyone, please submit your assignments."
Everyone started submitting one by one.
When I took out the assignments from my bag, I tried to hand over Ruoxi's assignment to her, but she was busy on her phone, must be chatting with her boyfriend. I exhaled softly and gave both assignments to him myself.
After one hour our class ended. Professor Zhang Ruotang left the class after giving us our next assignment.
I gave Wang Ruoxi a small punch on her arm and said, "What are you doing? Still chatting with your boyfriend? Don't you have any shame? Class is over. Do you want to stay here afterwards doing mopping and brooming?"
"You are so wild, Shiza. I was just looking at an actor's Weibo account. You know he is so handsome," she giggled.
"Don't you have a boyfriend? Wait, I think I should tell him that his girlfriend is going crazy over an actor and leaving him behind."
"Stop it," she said. "I just admire him. After all, he is an actor. How could I get him? We are normal human beings. His guards would push me away."
I laughed. "Okay, okay. Show me who is that unlucky actor you are crushing on in the middle of the lecture."
She blushed and then showed me the Weibo account of that actor.
The moment I saw the screen, my smile faded.
Her phone almost slipped from my hand but she caught it in time.
"Wait, what are you doing Shiza? What happened? Are you alright?"
"No, nothing," I replied, giving her my most fake smile. The one she probably understands.
I took my bag and walked out of the class quickly.
I was still in the corridor, moving fast.
"Shiza! Why are you walking so fast? Wait for me! It looks like you're going to participate in China's Olympics!" she shouted from behind.
I replied in a hurry, "I am just hungry. I want to eat something."
"Okay then go to the canteen and get a table. I'll come within 10 minutes, my Bàba is calling," she said.
"Okay."
I reached the canteen and sat there, thinking about something. After a while, Wang Ruoxi arrived.
"Sorry I got late. Why didn't you get food? Weren't you so hungry?" she asked.
"Yes, I was. But how can I eat without you?"
She got confused by my answer but ignored it.
"Then let's get food."
We went to the counter.
"Why are you not taking stir-fried cabbage with mustard seeds and rice?" she asked.
"I don't like mustard seeds."
"Oh? But I didn't know this. I thought you liked mustard seeds."
"No, you just forgot. Today's kids are losing their memory faster. What should I do?" I said in my dramatic voice.
"Maybe I forgot," she said.
And yes, I confused her. I said this only to myself.
Yes, she was right. I used to eat mustard seeds, but the moment I read that he doesn't like mustard seeds in his food, from that day onward I also started avoiding them.
I took Jīròu Chǎofàn for myself.
We sat at our table and started eating.
Wang Ruoxi was eating too fast, like she hadn't eaten in 3 years. I laughed a little. She noticed.
"Stop laughing. You are the only person I've seen in my whole life who eats this slowly. It takes you one hour to finish your meal. Everyone is not like you."
"I know, I know," I said.
"Shiza, do you know his new drama is trending everywhere? It's getting good ratings and everyone is talking about it. Look."
She showed me her phone. It was a scene from his new drama.
I rolled my eyes and looked away. "I am not interested in these things. You watch it for yourself."
"Wait, what did you just say? You are not interested? He is Xu Yuan. The most handsome and rising star of China. You don't find him attractive? Every girl goes crazy for him. Are you lying?"
"Why should I lie? I have nothing to do with him."
"But it seems like he is your ex-boyfriend. The way you avoid him and don't even look at his face," she laughed.
"Are you out of your mind? What rubbish are you saying?"
"But didn't you always go home early in high school to watch someone's drama on TV? Wasn't it him?"
I gave a fake laugh. "No, it wasn't him. It was some other actor. I forgot his name."
"Now you are also losing your memory like me?"
"Okay then prove it."
"Prove what?"
"Watch this whole 2-minute video that I am showing you."
"No no—"
But she already placed her phone right in front of my face, leaning across the table.
She kept saying, "See, see!"
And I kept pushing her away lightly, saying, "No, no."
"Fine, then I'll watch it to prove it."
So I played the video.
She thought I was watching him, but I didn't look at his face.
I only looked at the background, his clothes, anything except his eyes.
And she didn't notice.
"See? I watched it. He is not my type. My type is different. I don't even find him good-looking. Just an ordinary actor."
The moment I said that, she reacted like a real fan:
"Okay okay! Fine! Then don't look at him. Don't watch any of his dramas!"
I smiled.
"I haven't. You are the one forcing me. See? He has nothing special."
We continued eating.
I know I am lying.
I am a pretty liar.
If I look at him on her phone, she will see everything in my face.
I cannot hide it.
Yes, it's true I haven't watched any of his dramas since high school.
Because the more I watch him, the more I feel how much he is not mine.
And I want to live my life.
I want to move forward.
But still keep him in my heart, quietly.
Without telling this world.
Not even the universe.
Yes, I check his Weibo daily. Yes, I do.
But only when I am alone.
Because I know I am still stupid.
Still foolish.
And people will laugh.
And I don't want my love to be judged.
I want to protect it.
Till my last breath.
I know it was never meant to be.
Never meant to be.
And it hurts the most.
"Where are you lost?"
Ruoxi asked suddenly, breaking my thoughts.
"Nothing, just…"
"Okay, let's go to the dorm. It's getting cold. We'll catch a cold very fast, so let's go."
I smiled and we left for our dorm.
It became 1 pm after doing all this.
It looks colder now.
I think I am enjoying this early winter weather.
I just pray that Shanghai helps me breathe differently and live my life peacefully, without him.
Just then a thought came:
Does he like winters?
But I erased it immediately.
And we reached our dorm....