When I sat on the floor, I took my phone from the side table and opened his Weibo account. Then, scrolling through his posts with my teary eyes, I saw he posted a photo of dumplings. He might be eating them at that time and I think he likes them. Then scrolling and scrolling, I reached my favourite post of his. Him wearing that black sweatshirt and looking at the camera with those eyes, and his hair falling on his forehead, just charming as usual. Looking at him gives me strength and makes me calm, like he relaxes my soul.
While looking at his photo, I said in between my crying sobs, "I don't know what happened today, I really don't. Just one thought came in my mind at that time, that if anyone, anyone except you ever touches me, I'll die. I'll die at that moment. I can't bear that pain. I really can't."
The moment Wang Ruoxi said that Tao Jun has feelings for me, something broke inside me, like a fear came into me. Tell me, how could I make her understand that I can't love anyone because I already loved someone with my whole heart without wanting anything in return. I know she'll never be able to understand my one-sided love for you. Never.
I have never imagined myself with anyone except you, but I know that you and I are not made for each other. We will never have a future together. I know, I know all this. Still, my Mr. Heart didn't accept it. Please make it understand, please. Now I can't handle this anymore.
You know what I said while looking at his photo? "It's not that I didn't try to forget you. Trust me, I tried. I tried my best. But nothing is working out. Nothing."
It's like a story where there is a room where I am locked with you. I try hard to get out of that room, but the more I push myself to get out, the more I get closer to you. That room has seven escape doors. I tried all six chances of mine, and all these chances just made those doors close permanently. And I am losing all those chances. Now I am left with only one single chance, and I can't take it. I can't. Because if I try that last chance, then the room will be left with no escape doors, and I'll be even more closer to you. And I can't take that last chance.
Trust me, I try to fall for some other actor. But whenever I think I have forgotten you completely, I close my eyes and your face comes again in front of me, as usual.
Trust me, I am not a psycho or a mad fan of yours. I will surely stop loving you, surely. Only then I can live, because with this pain in my heart, I can't live.
My only heartfelt wish for you is that you live a long and healthy life, and may you marry the love of your life, and be blessed with a cute baby girl who carries your features, your charm, your cuteness. I really hope I will be able to see that day with courage in me. I hope till then I may forget you. Just, I want to see you living happily, which is only possible without me. Without me.
May you earn more and more success and become China's most famous star. It is a heartfelt wish from your little fan girl. You live straight in my heart and you will be there till my heart stops beating.
Then someone knocked on the door continuously. I immediately wiped my tears with both hands, closed my phone, and opened the door. And there she was, Wang Ruoxi standing there. Before I could react, she just hugged me tightly, like squeezing me, and then she started crying.
"I am so sorry Shiza, I know what I did to you. No one does that to their best friend. I am worse than an enemy, worse," she said while hugging me.
I broke the hug and said, "Stop crying Wang Ruoxi. If Wen Qi sees you like this, he'll surely break up with you." Then she pinched my arm, "Stop it Shiza, just stop," she said while crying and laughing at the same time.
"Listen to me, Ruoxi, I don't want anyone in my life. I already have my family: Mama, Bàba, Xin Xin, and you. Except for you all, I don't want anyone else. You all are my most precious people. Being loved by you all is the best blessing I have, and I don't need to be loved by someone else."
"But will you stay alone all your life?" she asked.
"Again you are asking this? Now I know why you got less marks in the presentation last week. I just told you, I already have this much love in my life. What else should I ask for? Now end this conversation, ok?"
She said, "Ok, I won't force you. Wherever your happiness is, I'll be there."
"That's my typical Wang Ruoxi," I said, lightening the mood.
"Ok then, let's go for dinner," she said.
"Ok."
"What will you eat?" she asked. I took a long pause and smiled a half-smile.
"Dumplings," I said.
"Dumplings for dinner?" she asked curiously. "Ok, then we need to go to that restaurant near the university."
"Let's go," I said.
We ate dinner there and went back to our dorm. Things became normal. I just wanted to forget whatever bad happened today, and welcome the next day with a new morning and new hopes.
Then suddenly, I read the news that he got a little bit of flu while shooting for his drama because of the weather. Everything inside me shook. My smile faded. I closed my eyes and prayed, "Please be fine, please make him fine. Everything else I'll handle, but him being sick, even a little, I can't bear it. I can't. Please."
Then I heard a voice, Wang Ruoxi calling me, "Come out of the dorm and see this!"
I immediately came out and asked her, "What happened? Did you see a crocodile, Wang Ruoxi?"
"No! Look at this!" She turned my face towards a poster on the university wall. They were taking auditions from our university for a female lead actress. They wanted a fresh face.
"So what's special in this?" I asked.
"Are you mad? Just see, they are casting from our university. You are the prettiest girl. Please give the audition. It's on the third floor, room 183. Let's go!"
"No," I said. "I'm not interested and I don't even know how to act. These are high-level dramas. I don't have any experience. I can't."
"See, if that was the case, they wouldn't have held auditions in our university. Please, let's at least try. For me. Please, Shiza, please," she said in her tiny cute voice.
I went into deep thought.
And then I said…