The co-assistant there goes to him to show him the path. He is wearing a red jacket with a grey t-shirt and black trousers with white shoes, and I think it's a mixture of grey-colored cap on which "Charlie" is written. A black mask covers his face. If I say that I didn't recognize him, then it's completely a lie — I do recognize him. It's like I've known him since my birth in this world.
Then he went to change his clothes for the look test, and my thoughts were broken by that assistant saying, "Excuse me, ma'am, please change your clothes as our male actor has arrived, so now we can start our look test." I nodded my head yes and changed into those clothes. Then I sat on the chair, waiting for him to come out, and after about seven minutes, he came out after changing. Now he was wearing a white shirt with a black t-shirt and black pants. His hair was falling over his forehead like always, and here he was — Xu Yuan. He was going to be cast alongside me; he was the male actor in the drama.
But how is that possible? I mean, I've never imagined this even in my dreams — seeing him with my own eyes. I can't describe this feeling; it's like my Mr. Heart is beating faster and faster, and my legs are going numb. How could I express this feeling? I can't. But I said to myself, Relax, Zhao Shiza, relax. Calm down, don't react like this, otherwise he'll think, what kind of mad fan is here? No, no, no, just stop. Behave properly, okay? Yes, you can.
But how can I behave properly when you're around me — this close, closer than I ever thought? My heart is fluttering, screaming so many things loudly, but I can make Zhao Shiza understand to behave professionally in this professional area — how can I make "His Little Fangirl" inside me understand that? How can I make that girl understand?
I think doomsday is about to come because I've seen something I've never thought I would. My self-talk is broken again by the same assistant saying, "Ma'am, please come in front of the camera." Then I stood right in front of the camera, and he came towards me with slow, steady steps, standing beside me. They clicked some photos of us standing together, then the camera man who was taking our pictures said, "You both pose like the drama's story concept — it's an enemy-to-lovers trope. So first, give some hateful enemy looks, then some romantic couple poses."
Then he came near me. I wasn't able to look into his eyes; I couldn't — I just kept looking at the floor, here and there. Then he placed one hand on my waist and pulled me closer, with his other hand making a punch near my face with a daring, hateful look. Then I gathered courage and looked into his eyes. Seeing him in front of me — it's like a dream come true.
"You're more charming than you look on screen," I said in a low voice by mistake. His expression changed, and he asked, "Hey, did you say something?" I just nodded my head no. This was the first thing he said to me.
Then we got into our positions again for the photos. He was holding my waist with his right hand, and his left hand was raised near my face like a punch. Then the photographer said, "Get into character," and we both gave such hateful expressions to each other, like we were about to kill one another. Then they said, "Okay, done. Now the other one."
And the other one was a romantic pose — like all drama couples give in their look test. But ours was kind of different. He was holding me from behind with one hand, and his other hand — the right one — was making a heart with my left hand. Our romantic faces were right in front of the camera, and then it was done.
The assistant said, "It's done for today. We'll call both of you for further process." Then he immediately went back to his room to change his clothes without even looking at me, just walking straight. After about five minutes, he came out with his mask on again, but his eyes were so attractive that even the mask couldn't hide them. Then he quickly went to his car, and it started, and he left.
I was still in that white dress given to me for the look test. After changing, I came out of the room, and while walking away, a voice came from behind, "Wait, ma'am." It was that assistant again. "Ma'am, we'll tell you our next schedule soon, then we'll start shooting for the drama. As you're a fresher in this industry, please talk to your university about leaves and not attending classes in the future."
I just nodded yes and started walking away. On my way, a thought came to my mind — He was shooting for his other drama in Hengdian; I saw that yesterday on Weibo. Then how did he get into this one? Did that drama finish shooting? And why did they cast him in this? He's such a big star in China — why would they cast him with an ordinary, fresh new girl like me? I don't get these things, but the only thing that gave me relief today was that he looked fine. I think his flu is gone; he looked okay — that's the only thing that matters to me.
I kept walking, thinking all this, and reached my dorm after 45 minutes. The moment I opened the door, Wang Ruoxi was standing there with her arms folded. I came inside slowly, looking down, and she held both my shoulders to stop me.
"Where are you going?" she asked suspiciously.
"Nowhere, just going to sleep. I'm tired."
"Won't you tell me what happened today?"
"Of course, I will. The photo shoot — I mean, the look test — went well. The male actor is quite cooperative."
She smiled and asked, "Who's the male actor?"
Then I broke eye contact, rolled my eyes, and said, "He's some actor… I mean, a good actor. I just don't know him."
"Okay, tell me who he is. I know every actor!"
I took a one-minute pause and said, "Ruoxi, stop asking too much. I'm tired. If you ask me again, I'll throw you out of the dorm — last warning." Then I went to bed and covered myself completely, pretending to sleep so Wang Ruoxi would think I was tired.
She said, "Okay, you're such an angry bird. But in the evening when you wake up, you have to tell me every single detail about what happened today."
Then I took one hand out from under the blanket and showed her a thumbs-up. Inside the blanket, I wasn't sleeping — not even tired. It was just my way to escape her questions, because if I told her that Xu Yuan was the male lead in the drama, she'd jump in excitement and want to meet him. But how can I make her meet him when even I didn't really meet him properly — when he didn't even see me properly?
A sadness came over me while thinking that. I've always cherished the moments you gave me — those moments in your dramas that I watched — they were enough for me to live with all my life. But why? Why did life bring you in front of me — something next to impossible? I thought I'd only love you from far away, but how can I manage my feelings when you're right in front of me? No, I can't. A tear splashed from my eyes.
I know it's a big opportunity for anyone to work with you, but I'm not that lucky. I can't act professionally with you while carrying so many personal feelings for you. I really can't. I've only ever prayed that you'd be fine, healthy, happy, and more successful. That you'd live happily — wherever and with whoever you are — and rule China's drama industry, becoming its topmost male actor. But I never thought destiny would bring you right in front of me.
It already took me so much courage to live peacefully like this — alone, without you. I've made myself understand with so much effort. I can't go back to zero. I can't bring that 17-year-old high school girl back, the one who could ruin herself in this feeling. No, never.
Then I made my decision and my mind was set. A decision was made. I wiped my tears with one hand and said to myself, "I'll back out from this project. I won't act in this drama. I have to stop all this before it even starts. I need to — yes, I need to..."