Zhao Shiza, wake up. Wake up. What are you doing? Just wake up, it's getting late for classes. See the time. You never do that. What happened to you? Are you alright, Shizaaaaaa?
Wang Ruoxi is irritating me with her voice at this hour.
I said to her, "I am not feeling well, just a little bit cold I am feeling."
"See, I told you yesterday to wear warm clothes properly, but you didn't listen. Now look at you, looking so pale and small."
"Stop giving me advice, I am ok. I can handle this much cold."
"How fast you catch cold," she said while covering me with a blanket. "Go to the class, otherwise you'll get late."
"No, I am not going to class today."
I asked shockingly, "But why? Any special reason?"
"Without you I am not going to classes."
"Ok," I said. Then I start lowering down from the bed, going to wear my slippers and removing the blanket.
"What are you doing, Shiza? Are you out of your mind?"
"No, I am just in my mind. If we both don't go to class then who will give us notes? So you forced me to attend class in this situation."
"Ok," she said, getting a little irritated. "You just rest. Don't worry, I have a person who can not only give notes but can also give his everything to you." She said this while giving a mischievous smile.
"Me? To me? What does it mean? Who is that person? We don't have any friends in our class. We are only each other's friend. Then from where has that person appeared?" I asked suspiciously.
"Ooo stop asking too many questions at the same time. I don't have answers right now to any of them." After saying this, she took her bag from the chair and started moving towards the door.
"Wait, where are you going?" I asked.
"Definitely not class," she said.
"Then where?"
"To meet Wen Qi," she said, blushing.
Wen Qi, her boyfriend who is madly in love with this stupid girl.
"What happened?" she asked.
I smiled and said, "Nothing. Go enjoy your date together."
Then she hugged me too tightly.
"Ooo please, you are hurting me."
"Ooo you are so fragile, even my hug is too tight for you. What will happen if someday your nán péng you hugs you?" she giggled.
She never asked me such questions. Why now? Is there something she is hiding from me?
But then she left and I came back to my bed. I lay down, wearing my blanket again because I still felt a little cold. Then I took my phone and opened Weibo. And there it is, some fan pages posted a video of him coming out from his black big car and going to his shoot, getting ready, and then after makeup and hairstyle, coming back to his car and going to shoot his new drama.
So many fans are there standing daily just to see him. What a fandom he earned. I said it proudly. I am one of them. The ordinary one. Or worse than them, because I'll never be able to see him with my own eyes in this life.
Daily fans post his daily going-to-shoot videos, and I am still the foolish 17-year-old who watches him daily. I am thankful to those fans because of them I can see you daily.
In my life till now, I have seen only your 3 and a half dramas. Half because in that 4th drama onwards, I couldn't bear to see you with another girl. Say mad to me then it's ok, call me mad, but I can't bear that because at that time I had completely fallen for you. So I couldn't see that. I was not strong enough. And trust me, when I become strong, I'll complete that half drama. I promise. A Zhao Shiza's promise to her Xu Yuan.
Then I laughed while holding tears in my eyes.
You are shooting your new drama but unfortunately, I won't be able to see that too. Because I can't see you with someone else. I can't see when you look at that person. I can't. But I am working on myself, don't worry. Sooner or later I may forget you and will see you only as a favourite actor. Nothing more nothing less than that.
I said these words but it worked like a knife in my heart. Still I told myself, "You'll handle this. You definitely will."
Then I closed my phone and tried to sleep. The moment I closed my eyes, his face came in front of me again.
"No, not now. I want to sleep. Please let me sleep. Please, please."
I kept saying these words while forcing myself to sleep. And after 29 minutes, I finally fell asleep with pain in my eyes.
My phone rang after 2 hours. It was Wang Ruoxi saying, "Come out of the dorm immediately and get ready. And please wear your white dress and open your hair. You don't need makeup. Just come fast."
The call cut.
I understood it's not something urgent, because if it were urgent, she wouldn't ask what to wear.
So I wore my slippers and went out in my night pajama dress. She was standing in front of a café near the university. And she was with a boy. But that boy was definitely not Wen Qi. It was someone else.
The more I walked closer, the more I could see his face. It was Tao Jun, our fellow classmate. But why is he here with her? Is he her new boyfriend?
I reached them and looked at them suspiciously.
"Ooo I knew you won't wear what I told you to, that's why I told you that."
"Means?" I asked.
"Means look how cute you look in your pajama night dress, just like a little kid. Look, now he has fallen even more for you."
"Shut up. What are you talking about?"
"Look, Tao Jun fell in love with you the moment he saw you in the first year. But he didn't have courage to tell you. So today I motivated him and he gathered courage to say something to you."
"Love? Are you out of your mind? Do you both really know what love even means?" I said, my voice raised.
"Look, you never had a boyfriend since high school. I just want you to be happy. Am I wrong?" she asked.
"Yes, you are completely wrong," I said angrily. "So, Mr. Tao Jun, I can never be your nǚ péng you. Understand?"
Tao Jun went silent. He had never seen me like this.
"Shiza, stop making this drama. If you don't like him, you could say it normally. Why are you becoming so angry? Is there something you are hiding from me?" she asked. Her eyes were different.
"Why angry? You are asking me? Are you really calling yourself my best friend? You are forcing someone on me whom I don't want!"
"It's not like that," she said. "I just want my friend to be happy. You smiled, but your smile never reaches your eyes anymore. Not like in high school days."
I avoided her eyes and started walking back toward the dorm. She shouted behind me, "Zhao Shiza stop! Please stop!"
But I didn't.
Tao Jun stood there silently, like his only mistake was liking me.
And Ruoxi, my childhood best friend, was just worried for me.
I am not worthy of any of them.
Just leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
I entered the dorm, closed the door, sat on the floor, and then…