1/12/25
He isn't here today and I feel empty. It hits me how much he has started to become the reason I enjoy coming to the library. That isn't supposed to happen.
I come to the library for myself, for the peace and calm, to sit and read or write. The fact that he is slowly becoming my reason for being here is not something I like or want. This is supposed to stay a casual crush, nothing more.
If he comes, good. I enjoy my day knowing I get to see him. If not, I should still be able to enjoy my day as usual. But now it is different. If he doesn't come, I feel like I have no reason to be here at all. I don't enjoy it anymore. I know this is bad and that it has to stop, so I start journaling to figure out what is going on and how to fix it.
Journal entry:
I've realised that i've started to come only for him. I don't want to miss the chance of seeing him and for some reason I'm becoming obsessed. Too obsessed. It isn't even infatuation anymore. The strangest part is that half the time I can't even recognize him because I don't have my glasses on. That should tell me enough - that I don't actually like him, I like the idea of him. Which is dangerous, because he could be anyone and I'm ignoring it.
I know I am only looking at the good parts. In my eyes he has become exactly what I always want: the quiet, calm type. He reminds me of the academy guy I lost, and I don't want to lose my chance again. It's embarrassing how desperate I am. I keep making trips outside, hoping to see him, and every time he isn't there, I still convince myself he might come.
It has been so long since I've wanted someone this badly. It's scary how consuming it is. With my old crush I know marriage isn't possible, but with him I actually want it (Yeah, creepy i know).
He even likes nature; goes to the park everyday. How can I not like him? Though one thing I did notice is that he is always either sleeping or staring into space when he is here. A natural airhead i presume.
And the worst part?
I have always liked people like that. (screams out of embarassment & agony)
It reminds me of my best friend back in college. That calmness is just so attractive.
I can't stop making up little stories about him, giving myself imaginary happy endings, even sad ones, just to make sense of what I feel. I even make silly hypotheses, like maybe he doesn't come today because his driver isn't around. He really does give off spoiled prince vibes, and I live for it.
He is my latest obsession.
~
1/14/25
It's just a random day. My exams are over and I've decided to start going to the library regularly again, just to enjoy myself.
Today I'm reading Rumi's poetry in the café. I sit in front of him, the book open in my hands, and suddenly I feel like crying. So I go back to the car and cry. The words, his presence, all of it reminds me too much of my old friend.
Later, I sit in the computer area while my laptop charges. There's an old man who comes to the library, i don't know his name so i just call him uncle. Uncle sees me and starts talking. I had planned to avoid him, but then, through the glass overlooking the café I spot my his shoes, My crush was here today. And he was sitting there.
So, despite my better judgment I tell uncle we should move to the café. Partly because I want to see him, partly because uncle is so loud and since we're inside the library everyone is staring at us to be quiet.
so, I, almost forcefully, guide uncle to the café. When i enter, i saw him, my crush. He's sitting right by the main door, his back to us. I panic instantly and plan to run away. Luckily I left my car key on the table, so I use that as an excuse and rush out. That gives me enough time to collect myself. When I come back, I sit with my back toward him so he won't see me while I'm panicking.
He's talking with his friends. The topic shifts to being alone, and then God comes up. That makes me think of my old best friend again. She was like that too, so deeply in love with God, such a deep thinker. That's when I decide that no matter what, I'll approach him. Even if not romantically, I'll get to know him. Maybe that way I can finally get over her. She left me, but I don't want to lose that kind of connection again. Even if it's only for a while, I want it back. To her, and to God. Maybe then I'll finally feel at peace.
I'm so spaced out that I hardly hear what uncle is saying. I just nod my head while my real focus is on my crush's words. I just want to hear something deep again, to feel that connection with someone who feels that connected to himself, to nature and to God. I would love to feel whole again.