Weirdly enough, talking to uncle made me feel better. (even though half the time my focus was on my crush) I even told uncle that I was about to cry, and saying it out loud feels nice.
But of course, that is not where it ended. I did something cringe. While talking to uncle about feeling like crying and missing my best friend, I say it a little too loudly. I was lowkey hoping that he would hear and develop some sort of interest in me and would eventually approach me.
Embarrassing, I know.
Then, I proceed to make another blunder: I say out loud that I want a spiritually good friend. A bit too loud, I realised later. I even slipped up and used the male pronoun.
I wanted him to hear what I was saying, but apparently, not only him but his whole friend group heard what I said. One of his friends repeated it back, and the whole group snickered. To say I wanted to die of embarrassment would be an understatement. I don't even notice when they leave, but when I finally go, I realize I've missed him leaving too.
The next day, one of his friends came up to me and asked which book I was reading. The signal was completely sent to the wrong person.
~
When I go to get my laptop from where I left it to charge, I freeze. Someone is in the computer area. It's him. Or at least I think it's him.
The guy sitting there is wearing a white shirt, but earlier, my crush was wearing a blue hoodie. I'm confused, but he looks handsome too, so maybe it's the same person.
We make eye contact. I panic, grab my laptop, and rush outside.
I sit on the couch outside the library and open Word. I start writing about it. I've only typed "the same person?" when he comes out and walks behind me. I'm so embarrassed and terrified he'll realise I'm literally writing about him.
"The same person?
I'm sitting here smiling like an idiot. There's this person I like, and I like him a lot. It started with me being obsessed with him, and now it's turned into a real infatuation. It's cute. He's perfect. He's exactly the person I've always wanted. If I had to describe my ideal type to anyone, I'd just show them him.
I like him so much. The problem? He doesn't care about me at all. Like at all. And weirdly, that's part of the charm. If I had to define the origin of a person in love, I'd just tell them to look at my eyes right now.
I don't like him for his face or anything superficial. Today, when I looked at his face, for a moment I was sure the person I liked was someone else because he looked so different from how I remembered. It's the way he talks, his voice, everything. I'm obsessed. Classic me.
I don't even trust myself anymore; it feels like fiction. He probably recognises me now — at least I think he does. I've made a habit of being around him, too. Maybe that's why. Or maybe I'm just imagining it."
~
When I arrive, he's sitting outside. I grab my book and sit nearby until he leaves. I know he isn't looking at me. I don't think he cares. But I do. I do some pretty cringe things. I'm not proud of it.
Then he comes back inside. I go back in after ten minutes. I don't even remember the order of events. He uses the stairs. I see him go upstairs while my laptop battery dies, so I head back to the computer room to charge it. I'm planning to sit there, but—
Later, I get back into my car. My mood is so much better now. You can't even tell I was about to cry a few hours ago. Now I feel ecstatic. I even record a five-minute video saying, "If we end up together, I want you to know this is what I felt like back then." Then I drive away, way too happy for my own good.
As I'm writing this, he comes out again and goes to the washroom. I'm obviously flustered as usual. He takes his laptop and goes home. I don't remember if I followed him out, but he left. That's for sure.
1/15/25
He isn't here today. He was here yesterday and I had the best time. I was so happy I blushed the entire day. And that's saying something.
Even after I came back home, even at my aunts, I kept blushing. It went on until I finally had the guts to tell my best friend the whole story. Then I told my colleague. I even asked my sister in law for tips.
Last night, after telling my bestie, I walked on the rooftop for an hour. When I came back inside my cheeks weren't red anymore.
I honestly thought the blush on my face was makeup. But no, it was real. I knew my face felt hot, like I might be blushing, but I didn't think it was this much.
I regret that he isn't here today. I miss him. But I also realise he's never around after our awkward interactions. Maybe he's ignoring me...