11.02.2025
We talked for two hours and forty five minutes. I noticed how we had not really spoken much in between those long talks, but it did not feel like anything was missing. Now it does. This break feels like everything has ended. It feels like it will not get better anymore.
We talked about attachment and how it hurts. I spoke about an old friend I lost. He talked about his old crush. The conversation was good but it hurt me to hear that he still thought of her so much. They had met in middle school and the memory of her still lived with him. That made me sad and also made me realise how I was no match for her. The way he described her made her sound doll like. So there was no chance here.
We also had that small argument about love and lust. He said we would discuss it more another time. I told him I would prove him wrong. Then my driver came to pick me up.
He texted me after I went home. I was asleep and woke up at midnight to his message. I kept asking what it was, but he would not tell me. He told me the next day that he wanted to talk about his crush, but the moment had passed and it did not feel right anymore. I wanted to know what he wanted to say so badly, but he would not budge.
14.02.2025
He was on a solo date at Read and Write. I was at home reading manga. He stayed there the whole day. I had to visit my aunt so I went to her place, and while I was with her he left.
15.02.2025 — Funfair and Feminism
I searched my shelves for the Masnavi because I had told him I would give it to him. He asked when I would come that day. He said he would be there from nine. I told him I would come at eleven thirty, but I actually arrived at twelve thirty. I was wearing a dark green outfit that suited my skin. I felt dressed up.
I found him near the senior citizens room. He was holding a book and standing by a bookrack. I went to talk to him and then we went outside.
My mother called as we were stepping out. She wanted to pick me up and take me to a charity funfair where I was volunteering. I told her not to come yet and delayed going, because I wanted to stay.
He seemed either in a bad mood or tired of the fact that I did not give my opinion on things. That was true. I had been listening more than speaking, and he liked people who challenged him. He had mentioned that before, and I realised I was not doing that. So when he said it, I felt offended and self conscious. I liked him a lot, so having someone say that to me stung.
He asked my opinion on feminism. I told him I was not a feminist. He did not seem convinced. Since he had told me just a while ago to express myself, I tried to go against what he said in an effort to show I had an opinion. It did not go well. I felt put on the spot and I did not like it.
We had only talked for two hours when my driver came. For us that was a short time. I apologised and left for the funfair. The funfair was boring but I went anyway. I texted him that it was boring.
Some Other Day, Winter
It was winter so we were sitting outside. I was already there when he came. I was reading Never Eat Alone and he asked what the book was about. I said I was not sure yet. He said, you are eating alone if you do not even know what it means. I was a little shocked because this was the first time I had to speak up and give my opinion. Usually he was the one telling me things. I froze and went blank.
18.02.2025
We talked for two to two and a half hours. Later I ran some errands with my parents and we sat in the fire hydrant area. When my mother called, he started humming in the background. It made me want to punch him. I did not journal much during these days because I was too present. I also thought this would never end, so there was no point in writing it down. It became the new normal and I assumed it would stay that way.
23.02.2025
We talked for four hours. I'm surprised by how much we talk.