16/03/2025
We talked for two hours. He had just started a new job at an NGO and now had short hair. I noticed it immediately. I had already said my mental goodbye to him on the last day of my vacations, so seeing him again with a new look and a new role shocked me. I did not realise it at first, but subconsciously I had already started drifting. He even asked me if I was okay because I looked worried, and that made me realise how much my mind had already begun to let go.
That day, I was free from the clinic after such a long time. Usually, I went there after work and had little to no time for myself. Finally, I had a day to just sit with my thoughts. It made me realise how often we take things for granted: our health, our free time, the chance to be with loved ones, even the option to simply go out and enjoy life. These things only become clear when we lose them.
19/03/2025
We had a thirty-four minute call at 7:22 p.m., where we discussed a doa chapter in CMH. Later, I went to the masjid for taraweeh. That same night, we had another call for fifty-two minutes. It was about random things, but he fell asleep while talking, and I had no idea what was happening. It was really annoying.
21/03/2025
We had two short calls about doa work. One was twelve minutes, the other ten. He explained what "receiving" meant.
22/03/2025
We talked for forty minutes. That same day, I also went for rashan distribution, and strangely enough our timings synchronized.
23/03/2025
Riyan, the rashan contact, kept texting me. It was extremely annoying. He was odd to begin with, and I had already told him he was being too personal and making me uncomfortable. When I complained, my crush just told me to ignore it with dignity because "we do not ask for ourselves." I had no idea what he meant. I was already annoyed.
25/03/2025
He kept annoying me by forgetting to contact Riyan, the person who was supposed to give the rashan. It wasn't even cute annoyance anymore, just frustrating.
26/03/2025, Monday
I visited the NGO with my friends for the first time to help deliver rashan bags. Later that night, we had a long call, almost three hours, starting at 10:49 p.m.
27/03/2025
We were texting a lot during my college hours. It was Ramadan, so there were no patients, and I had more time to waste.
04/04/2025
We had a three-minute call. I was near his home, so instead of waiting until Sunday, I gave him a missed call and asked him to pick up the certificates. I had no real plans, so it made sense.
06/04/2025
He did not think I would come, and honestly, neither did I. The conversation that day was dry and boring, though a few points stood out. He brought me Subway, and I gave him my lunch.
07/04/2025
I asked him for advice about Abdullah's rishta. For some reason, he was the first person who came to my mind when I felt anxious. But his response disappointed me. It was so generic and lacked depth. I had wanted genuine advice, but he failed to give it.
08/04/2025
A short call. Nothing memorable.
18/04/2025, Friday. Volunteer treatment and video call
Clinic had been non-stop that week, and finally I got a small break. But I was under huge pressure because I had to prepare my oral presentation for a research competition. Both of my submitted abstracts were accepted, one for poster and one for oral. I could not afford to present both since they required separate fees, so I chose oral even though it terrified me. I had never spoken on a stage before. But I also knew this was my chance to step out of my comfort zone. If I ignored this opportunity, I would never feel confident enough for another one.
I spent hours making and remaking slides, adjusting graphs, and rechecking my data. The anxiety was heavy, but I was determined. I needed rest badly, but I knew if I slept, I might oversleep and ruin everything. My body was at its limit.
Just as I was about to force myself to rest, he video-called me at 5 p.m. He wanted me to look at arrangements for the camp happening the next day. I had no idea what needed to be done since I had never arranged a camp before. I told him to contact my colleague, but she had to go to the gym, so he pushed me to stay. I ended up juggling two calls at once, one with him and one with my colleague, acting like a middle person. It was frustrating.
Then at 5:45, when I was still tired and desperate for sleep, he called again, saying it was an emergency. He told me someone needed an immediate dental appointment before 8. I panicked, thinking it was his mother or father. I spent an hour searching for dentists online. When I texted him, he did not reply. Later I found out he had guests at home. The "urgent case" turned out to be a random volunteer with mild pain who did not even need immediate treatment.
I was furious. I was already drowning in stress, yet he dragged me into something unnecessary. That was when it hit me: he did not value my time, and maybe not even me. I was always available, always ready to help, and because of that, he had begun to take me for granted. He could take hours to reply to me, yet call me instantly whenever he needed something.
And it was not only his fault. I had let it happen. I had given him too much importance and too much access to me. If I wanted to regain my worth, I had to change. Slowly but surely, I decided this was enough. I was done letting myself be taken for granted.