He entered the room. I held my mouth down and kept breathing, could not control in in the meantime. I am still not ready. Still can not manage everything for answering some unwanted questions or facing him from that close. I was clenching my teeth together to remove the unpredictable movements, rushing towards my heart. I started making myself fixed with all the commitments left to take.
As he went to his dressing room first. I saw him putting off his coat, watch, chain, and tie. He was doing it in a rush. I was watching those from the corner of my eyes and did not look directly, managing myself for the movements. I just got no hold on me, above me, all the volitions flied. It was our first night, together, after the wedding. I do not wish another thing, but matters to become normal. Maybe it will be forever in my remembrance that I had not gotten enough, but I did have what was written in my abandoned luck.
I merged all of the hesitations together, saving it for later. All I had to do was become normal, at least for this moment. It was important for me. I, with all the energy left, set back and become adjustable for the next few minutes. As Leno moves back and extends his footsteps to the bed. His silhouette is outlining the diming light away, off the bed, as he was slowly closing it. As the shadow is becoming larger around me. He keeps moving his footsteps, but looking down. I understood he was uncomfortable, too. I only read him through the steps he was taking. My heart was beating faster and keeping the momentum with the pace, helping me to find back the rhythm. I was looking down, holding the eyesight on my knees compulsorily. He came near, stopped in front of me, and moved the curtains soberly, which was hanging all around the bed. I hold my knees tightly, I can not face him at the time, in that way.
My rigorous movements did not listen to mine, as it all showed up again. I started quivering quickly, holding my eyes aside, away from his appearance. away from the side, he was standing. It seems like my time clock comes to 12, as it starts ticking, with all its loud sound.
He climbs on bed, but I feel an eccentric shudder. His movements were not suited with the present moments. He should have turned in front of me or right after me. But he comes barely aside. What was he wishing for? I do not know, I can separate a second in more than 40 pieces. If I put a few of them, within those plank time, I felt his each unknown movement. He first opens his mouth, with no greetings or comfort words. He directly went like, "Move aside, I will sleep." I heard his low but rude voice away, some millimeters. I instantly did what he said. It's his room, I only created the space for him. I moved aside and let him sleep at his side. I was sitting there. He lays down on his pillow beside and behind me. Is that all I was waiting for, sitting here?
My eyes were already full of tears and pains. How would someone say things like those? I do not know, the wet of the tears fall from my eyes through my cheeks.
Maybe I do not care about what he said, but he just can not say things like this to anyone. Only with a soft tone would be enough. I had no wish to talk with him, either. But it was painful. I cried hard this time, hoping to die. New house, new people, new country. I have no one here to run and hug, to share my emotions. Treating a new person in a that way, slightly would cost more. I was gasping for some air beneath the veil, creating suffocation around my face. I was not making any noise, as someone went to sleep. I do not disturb them. My mind was getting pain with me. Everything of mine was crying with me at that moment. Do I honestly deserve those? Did I leave my home, my parents, and come here for those commands? For those behaviors?