"Ohhhhh, this girl, eh! Dem born you, born lateness?" I call out to her as I stand by her doorway, I had already knocked a few times. This girl was slower than a slug in a race with a snail.
"Chèlụgọdụ na! Ah ah! Haba! This girl you too dey do o, you too like school bịkọ, Tụfịá! Wetin dey this school sef wey you... Abeg, enter come help me clip this stuff joor," I shake my head as I head over to go help her.
"Abeg do fast, you dey wear red inside white shirt, wahala no dey finish for you my sister," I say as I move outside, "Fast fast abeg."
"Forget that thing, jare, this school uniform, e no dey ever disturb you? Nné, white shirt with black and white polka dot skirt, it's bound to get a bit of dirt, I just hate it. But you're right sha, I'm going to go change right away, wait o, in short, come help me again with everything."
I roll my eyes as I come back inside, "No be Ọmụ Obianuju nwà Nweke high school? Leave them jare! You sef no be you dey do yourself? Today you're on Ebube's laps stroking his beard, I dey call am beard sef, his one string, next, you're on Chiedozie's laps in the A class kissing his forehead, let me not talk of Kuami that Ghana boy in ss1..."
"Ahhh, nwá ọtụ Akan, ok Ngozi what's your point now, eh Ngozi? Infact how do those one time incident concern what we're saying right now?"
"You can't say it's a one time thing if you did it twice."
She almost explodes, "Nkolika that was truth or dare... Last semester! The fuck is actually wrong with you this girl?"
"Still doesn't matter, you were still jumping from one guy to another, including your very own juniors, why would your white not stain..."
"It's like you don't know how to talk na! Was it not them that invited the boy to our game?" She queries, "You know personally I don't like such but every game has rules and you don't just back out of a game that's benefitting you simply because it's no longer going your own way, it's actually very rude to all others involved in the game that's unless you know, the game is detrimental to you personally... So you know, I just went by the rules."
"Still doesn't matter, you were still jumping from one nigga to the other."
"Says the girl that would rather drink what they told her was goat urine than kiss an actual boy..." She queries.
"Boys are gross..." I counter.
"Ngozi! Abeg enter and do something for me joor, ịnọdụ nó ịná kóyélị, you'll just be comfortable talking nonsense you stupid child."
"Why you go dey date your junior sef? You old pass am, I thought you particular of all people were against such?"
"Me kwá? When abeg? Me wey be free thinker? Abeg o! Age is just a number sha." I stare at her a while, nod my head, and enter to help her out with her stuff and as I leave she adds, "But daaaamn, Kuami is fine though! Oh my goooshh, Ghana boys are soooo cute! Tall, dark, red succulent lips..." I roll my eyes in response.
"See this one o! Free thinking nkịtà! You believe you're a free thinker but you're still caught in the colonial web of deceit called Religion! No Wahl sha. Anyways, but before when I dey talk am for class say the nigga na fresh kid you dey follow me run mouth, now you don dey crush," I click my tongue against my teeth at her.
"Babes, I have told you sorry for that naaaa, but see Kuami is sooooo OMGGGG..."
"Ógịnị kwá? Bịà Chidera, I don dey go o abeg," I say as I use the door.
"Bịà this girl you're Les o!"
I chuckle, "Ịmákwà!" I respond clearly unscathed by her words, Na now you know? "Ónwà mkpákó (nké) ánwulị na, Happy Pride month my baby."
"You know no response is actually a response which is either positive or negative in accordance to the wish of the person asking the questions. Anyways, in this context, you're giving me no response by not replying me exactly what I had asked you."
I smile, she's right but it's whatever, "Yes my esteemed teacher," I say with the most sarcastic tone possible.
"You know it's actually it's Pride week nowadays, not Pride month anymore," she reminds me again.
"It's true, Ịzụ mkpákó (nké) ánwulị, pride week, yes it's true. Bịà Chidera, áwáwà abeg," I say as I leave the door.
"Ehyaaa, wait for me na baby m, see I'm just wearing my last socks, wait!" She runs out from the inner room into the living room and signals at me as she begins forcing her legs into her socks and school sandals. I'm almost at ọgịgè ányị (our gate) when she, grabbing her stuff in a haste comes after me, I turn to her and hiss. I usually like to be out of the house by latest 7:30 am, the second hour of the day.
"Ọmụ principal, Ọrịákụ m, Ịyọm, Ọdọzịákụ, Ágbónédụnóákwụkwó (principal), I'm sorry o? It won't happen again o?" She teases as she catches up with me.
I hiss and try to walk even faster, I forgot she was a lot faster than me in walking but not in running, for some reason, soon enough, we get to school.
Asides the cleaners performing their daily paid morning activities duties, the buildings were relatively quiet as we arrived, we were that early, all thanks to yours truly, of course.
We quickly make our way to the classroom to drop our bags, do our assignments, and chill, waiting for the morning assembly.
"Omo Ngozi, you don do your mathematics assignment? I no wan go that bastard Man office again."
"Nooooo, na wetin I tell you say I wan do, you forget? No fear, nothing go happen."
"Na true, na true," she says as she clings to me hands across my waist, she leans in on me as a support, "I don tire o."
"Chi it's ok. See, people talk about things especially new, trendy and unusual stuffs for like max, two to three weeks before they eventually get bored and move on to something else, unfortunately or fortunately not getting used to it immediately even if it's to their detriment. It is simply the reason why those at the top, the elites, the powers that be, those who are substantiated by the religious texts as the fallen angels, hmhm, yes, yeah, them, they invest a lot of money in propaganda for self aggrandizement and services and even more on poisoning us through what enters our body through our mouth, eyes, noses and ears, that being the food, water, snacks, what ever it be, mentally, emotionally and physically... So what am I saying? People no really too send you for here..." I burst out laughing as she gives me "the look."
"E be like say you no sabi talk again na?" She remarks.
I smile, "You, e be like say you no like this small morale I dey locate come your side... Oya I don dey go inside."
"Na Amadioha herself wey go soon senge menge you with thunder," She says as she bodies me out the way to head inside the class but suddenly halts to a stop.
"See, dey well o... What? Wetin... Wetin be dat? What's in there...?" I move to the door and equally halt at the sight of what is before us.
Hugging, kissing, rumpling each other's shirts, they were almost outta of their skins.
They seem to can't get enough of each other, I mean, the one on a plaited hair was hot but now seeing him, damn and the effeminate one on an Afro, wow. Indeed, looking at the kid on plaited hair, I could confirm, spaghetti really is straight till it gets wet.
Personally, as someone who haven't had even a lil bit of fun for months this was making me more wet than a pot of boiled spaghetti. I must confess, this was the single most hottest stuff I've seen... All year. But no, c'mon, nothing comes before the Pride, we gotta protect the Pride first, fun can come later.
"See them o, they actually still don't know we're here o," Chi whispers to me, "Urm hm!" She scoffs, and the two boys shocked, rearrange themselves, straightening up. They seem shocked to see us. Yes, you're shocked Éwụ, you're shocked like we barged into your living room and not a class room for learning. Were they just plain stupid or dumb?
"What were you Guys up to?" I casually ask.
"Nné, girl, Ngozi, calm down," Chidera says, leading me to a seat and turns to face them. "Ehm, Sópụlụnném," Sópụlụ the effeminate one barely looks at our face as he's clearly shaken. His partner, Lincoln, chewing gum with reckless abandon, I smirk with my fists tightly clenched. I didn't know how I felt this situation but I sure did know, at a time when people didn't care about our community still, these two should I say lovebirds were just throwing our safety, our caution to the wind, "Lincoln, em," Chi calls out snapping her fingers trying to locate his native name, she got that from me, "Nnéjịgịbụịfé, how far una na?"
"It's Buife to you o..." He calls out nonchalantly.
"Dude, what are you forming? We're trying to keep you in this school..." He hisses with reckless abandon.
"How far Buife calm down na may we reason this thing, wetin dey worry you sef?" Sópụlụ queries.
The guy on plaited hair, all back, still seemed to be weary of being called his full native name. Thankfully, he didn't fancy his foreign name either. I still wondered why anybody in Biafra, a brand new nation founded on the basis of real, pure, Ìgbo and African culture and true Africanness, a nation free from all forms of colonial stupidity and identity would still consider naming their kid a foreign name. Nnyà éh! Internalized Afrophobia is a big, fat, smelly white sin.
I think what baffled me more by the sight is that it was him Buife who's full name meant the Mother that owns me is a successful somebody or is someone big. It's baffling it's him of all people that turns out, that is Queer? Wow, you really don't judge a book by her cover. Or is he just experimenting with his sexuality? It doesn't help that he's always laughing at all anti queer jokes being thrown from all angles from our Queerphobic classmates especially from the back not to talk of his internalized Misogyny.
"You babes are in Ówụwá o," Chidera continues, "Na Ówụwá una dey o, how far una na? Look, this may be a brand new nation but the adults today are the same millennials and gen Z and gen alpha and gen beta from the old nation, mostly the millennials and gen Z from that country who weren't in support of the LGBTQ community internally, they were because social media was and they weren't quite thinking for themselves and also because most governmens permitted it but..." It's her fire time, shhhh.
"I'm telling you, like Ólíàkụ, the Ákpé nwáànyị," I add.
"I'm saying, like..." She makes to continue.
I spring up sharply, "Omo, see who we dey follow talk, He dey do like say him no really send us, eh, how far Chidera?" I exclaim.
"It's not an act you know," He says. For a moment, We stare at eachother eyeball to eyeball.
"See, I hate people like you! You think your Dad will always save you every time? Cos I know your Mom won't tolerate such attitude from you. Like see this nigga o, Lincoln you dey fuck up o!" Chidera suddenly flares up.
"Like for crying out loud, if it was someone else the principal for don hear am... Nnáá, you guys are kissing in public with reckless abandon? You're lucky this is not Nigeria, this may no longer be Nigeria though this is still Africa with minority direct descendants of our colonized ancestors. In the light of that, did you by mistake forget to learn about the 14-year prison sentence implemented by ex President Ebelechiukwu Goodluck Jonathan of Nigeria against the LGBTQ community or did you never learn about it? The decree abi law which cemented a deeper level of ịtụégwụnghótà (Queerphobia) in our people. Which is the reason I wonder why the íméịwụ N'ụrụsọrọ iméÓbọdọ, the N'ụrụsọrọ regional abi provincial Parliament has refused to address the issue."
"Maybe because they haven't yet seen a reason to," Chidera replies.
"Abi? Because some people still consider this acts wrong or illegal even after so many years of development, learning, unlearning and learning again, enlightenment ideas, échịchè nghótà dị sị ichè and what not, still people like your principal, the Ólíàkụ who are against it, I can't blame them cos these adults right now are the kids and teens from that generation of the country Nigeria when the law was made, like my Dad, I think he was Ten years old, my Mom she was about five, barely knew what was going on,"
"Child abuse!" Chidera exclaims. All of us laugh except Lincoln. To be honest, Sópụlụ's laugh seem more forced than being forced into kissing that boy in that truth or dare game. Good thing I stuck to sipping on the "goat urine" which actually was just sixty percent alcohol Martell, I played along though, I realized alot of them has never sipped a drop of alcohol before. But my nigga should've brought a better drink like Nasser, like c'mon!
"Chi thunder gbá gbụé gị ébé ánwú," We laugh some more, Anyways, most still have little sentiments from the anti-LGBTQ laws which they more or less did not support back then as they were kids and probably still don't support even as they're older now and besides, they are also descendants of the generations who spoke against the cause using Religion and all other forms of chó, chó, chó and stupidity, "Oh we're older than you so we know more than you," "Oh, we're your parents so we always know what we're talking about," "Oh God hates that, you'll go to hell and burn," "Oh, you can't question God, that's what God says," "Oh, you can't question is, we're your parents," all sorts of stupid chó, chó, chó, and as a source of fear, abeg! soooo...
"Bịà these guys, una don see the prison system of the regions, e no be here o, make una dey nice o. It hasn't necessarily been reformed. They simply just packed some of the old mentalities from the former country into this our new beautiful nation..."
"Please, Ngozi, em bịkọ, calm down for us na, eh? Na mistake, it's a mistake, it was a mistake, I'm serious, please I don't want no one to expel me abeg," Sópụlụ goes on her knees before Chidera and proceeds to crawl over to me, "Girls please, abeg!"
I look to Buife who arises with his bottle of water and white towel, he, jejely sipping the water, moves to the window overlooking the next compound. "See, Lincoln, em, Buife and Sopulu, look, I got no problem with whatever you were doing here, Love is Love, Ok? But this is still school, it's still the public, people still have internalized Queerphobia, ịtụégwụnghótá sị ná ímé ọbị. These people are our leaders, our higher ups, our parents, our teachers, our principal, they just allow it but they innately hate it. They learnt the hatred from the time of old, it can still be unlearnt but I don't think they wanna. They should, everyone should unlearn Queerphobia or Homophobia, ịtụégwụnghótà, but till then, let's stay careful."
"See," I continue, "We all got freedom of choice and all I know but do not forget that there are haters all around, had it been it were someone else who had entered in the process, it will be a whole different story right now, Nneka bịkọ stand up, I'm not one of your ancestors abeg, look, even if I wasn't part of the Pride, I wouldn't still report, I'm not a snitch, like I always say, nothing comes before the Pride, ok I think the only thing that actually comes before the Pride is race. Nothing comes before the race."
"Ngozi don't start this abeg, for y'all, us, I guess I'm also an ally, so I can say, for us the queer community, nothing comes before the Pride, not even race, when it's time to address the bouts of internalized Afrophobia ịtụégwúngházịánịnné sị ná ímé ọbị that some of the parents and grandparents have then we can talk about race and what comes before it which is nothing." I nod and make to continue but she's still talking. "As for us the queer community," Sópụlụ and I glance at eachother as she says that, "Nothing, not even race comes before the Pride, not identity, not sexuality, not mental capabilities or incapabilities, not intelligence, not spirituality, especially not Religion..."
"Put a pin on that bitc... Mama!" I exclaim.
"Nothing, absolutely nothing!" She continues, "Comes before the Pride, not borders, not class, not gender, not ability to create life or not, gbọgbọtịgbọ o, nothing!"
"Actually, pedophilia comes before the race," Buife calls out. We all turn to him. What the fuck is the fuck is this one saying.
"What?" I ask.
He snubs me and turns to them, ouch! "I mean, we don't accept Pedophilia in the queer community, no bout or form of pedophilia is acceptable to us or anywhere." I glance at Chi, she doesn't say nothing, we turn back to him. We kwá? As how na? Wasn't it this same Buife, Buife who only last week was insulting a queer celebrity. This same nigga that was boasting and bragging that if they were even to give him a million Ègónné, he would not be with a Man but look at my nigga right now. Casually making out with the same queer guy Sopulu Nnechezina, the same guy he and the other guys were mocking a week ago. I go like hear the story of how this one take happen.
"Yes, yes, yes, you're right," Chidera says seemingly not minding his double standards.
"Abi?" I reply either way, "Pedophilia is actually unacceptable in any bout or form, anything more than five years is absolutely criminal, inhumane, degradatory and immoral, I've said what I said."
"No one is more right than you right now." Sopulu says still on his knees for some reason.
"Nigga you no go like stand up? Who send you kneel down? No be so we dey do o, Abeg, kụnịè ótó, rise up." I call out, he arises casually dusting himself off. At times I look at him and I'm like, this guy is too feminine to be a guy but I recall what my daddy taught me, Mummy Nature doesn't classify things as we would want them be and knowing this, we should give people a break that are not of our perceived standards or likeness a break. But it's worth the admiration. Sopulu though is basically one of the girls at this point in time. He's got more feminine traits than Chi, I must confess. I know there are guys who just wanna dress feminine and act feminine but are actually straight as fuck, but Sopulu dresses feminine, talks a bit feminine and acts feminine and is full on one hundred percent Gay! My gaydar... no, my queerdar is strong.
"So, that's it, we don't like Pedophilia, no one does, we don't accept it, no one does, in the straight community, in the queer community, it's unacceptable and inhumane," Chidera says.
"Hold up," I call out, "Why is this straight spaghetti advicing us wet spaghettis on how to be cooked?" I ask and the three of us explode in laughter at the expense of Chidera. Buife wanted to hide his laughter but... No. My guy just seems to have a problem with me ever since that fateful day last semester he tried to kiss me in the middle of our conversation claiming we had some stupid connection which he felt. I just glanced at him like take a look at this idiot. Initially, he spent like an entire month buying me gifts, helping me, doing stuffs for me, you know, supporting me in everything, you know, being friendly and stuff till one day we're just in here in this very class gisting after school. We sat over at Neche, Esther's favorite seat, the one by the wall just below the window, the second to the last seat in the first row by the door. Funny enough, those who wanted to make out, that was their joint hidden and not easily detected but these two... I dey tell you, Boys are stupid kwo! That day, Chidera had to rush to go to her Mom's stall so there was no need for me going home just yet and I didn't wanna go to that their stall, her Mom was not... She simply was on another level.
So my nigga and I sat around talking about anything and everything that two typical guys would be talking about, emphasis on two typical guys, e get why. It was actually just him doing the talking sha, I myself wasn't interested in small talk. I just stayed along because hey, he bought food, my best, Beans and plantain from Nné Kinshasa, the old Congolese Lady who sold beans right in front of our school here, her food was yummy.
"You know I really like your eyes..." He says. Ógịnị kwá? I wipe both my eyes with the back of my palm.
"Bro is something in my eyes?" I ask. He looks confused.
"There's nothing in your eyes. I'm just saying, your eyes are very beautiful," I chuckle. Romantic comedy! "I could stare at them all day," hiya! oOoOO! Issorite.
"Thanks bro, you too o. You know, actually, your eyes don't look bad yourself. You look like you just woke up from sleep," He looks much more confused but smirks. He rearranges in his seat careful not to pour the plate of food right in front of him. He lifts it and places it on the desk turning to me properly. The only demarcation between us was my own plate of food, he makes to lift it and put it away as well but I hold on tight like my life depended on it.
"Wait na, lemme just put it on the desk," He says.
I refuse immediately, "Noooo, abeg o, I dey hear you loud and clear. Na ear, ntị, we dey use hear no be ónụ, no be our mouth," He smiles.
He makes to grab my hands but I'm still holding onto my food, "Ngozi, you're not like other girls you know?" I pause. Ónyé á ásịnógịnị? You say wetin? With a mouth full of food I nod an "ok" wondering where this fool was headed, "I really like you!" I wasn't done chewing my food when I heard such ridiculousness. I swallow hard and I look him straight at the face, "What? I said I really like you," He says again.
Ákíkó! "Wait o, is that why you bought me all these things and all those things you've been doing?" He smiles.
"Maybe."
I laugh hysterically in his face. No, actually, when he started doing all those shit he was doing last month, I knew where he was headed. First of all telling his friends that the one thing he really wants to do was to sex two lesbians and two months later, just on queue, like a well planned stuff, his guy tries messing with me, he quote unquote saves me, he befriends me, I'm just laughing. He's doing all these shit for weeks and I'm still treating him like my guy because at that point in time that's what he is to me. He thinks I'm just playing hard to get or some shit. I actually don't know what was going on in his mind because he obviously knew from my personality what my sexuality is but I didn't know what the fuck he's aiming at exactly and now there we were.
"Lincoln."
"Yes," I grab his palms. He smiles like what I don't know and settles in.
"Look, you look like a great guy. You're handsome, you're smart and whatever stuff I'm supposed to say. But the point is simply, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, I'm queer, you know that right?" He laughs releasing his hands.
"C'mon, that's not a problem," Ngozi, táá this beans ósịsó and run, walking red flag alert, Ngozichi wáá! "It's ok to be Gay..."
"The word you're looking for is Queer, Gay is a male queer person, A lesbian is a Lady queer person, I'm a Lady and I'm definitely more than an ally of the queer community, use the right adjectives, please."
"Okay ma, it's ok to be Gay... Sorry, Queer, it's simply because you have not found the right Man."
I arise, "And we're done here," I carry my plate of beans and make for the door.
"How far, I can ungay... Unqueer you..." He calls out.
"Ólé kwá lụ gị! Tụfịákwá!" I reply as I hasten out the door.
"See, I be guy, ábụ m ézịgbọ guy, I like and support the queer community," He's literally running at me leaving his food behind. If him forget that food, I dey go chop am. Wasting food is evil.
"Na this your kain lie make una Jesus Christ weep..." My guy was still running after me till I ran into the Ladies to chill out. Yes, with my plate of food. The Ladies' Ụnóèzị is far neater than guy's Ụnóèzị will ever be and it smells better too. Believe you me, I have entered their toilet, Ụnóèzị. They couldn't tell the difference.
My guy spent almost another two weeks trying to abi na unqueer abi na him dey find threesome before him con leave me o. And now fast forward to today.
"I'm an ally!" Chidera continues.
"Ákíkó!" I reply.
"How far Ngozi, wetin you dey write since?" She asks.
"It's just this assignment, what's up? Yeah, Ákíkó!" I say laughing.
"See her mouth," Sopulu says, "I'm an ally, nweh, nweh, I'm an ally, please accept me," We all explode into a laughter so hard I feared our intestines would explode.
"No wahala! Shey una don do una own?Ngozi you, one nill." I reach out to her hands.
"Babes, be calming down na, ah!" Well, happy to announce to y'all I won't be hearing the end of this one from Chidera.
"No wahala, it's fine, una don run me this one, I'm still straight though. Straight as fuck," I chuckle.
"Ákíkó," Sopulu says again.
"You only say that because you've not felt the touch of..." Juice says.
"Ógịnị kwá? Lincoln abeg be calming down o," Chidera exclaims. I chuckle as he laughs.
I turn to Buife, "Lincoln, this your arrogance, it ain't nice..."
"Which one be arrogance?" He charges at me.
"Buife, calm down!" Sopulu calls at him.
"Abeg!" He cautions. He hisses and walks out the classroom nonchalantly. Okay, my bad,that was wrong language, Maybe I was supposed to be mild, noted. But my girl Chidera was not having such patience.
"Just see who we're tryna help o, Ngozi see werey o!" She flares up.
"Chidera calm down, leave am abeg!" Sopulu finally, arises remorsefully, Nné m dáàlụ, he joins me to calm her down.
"See him, He just dey...!"
"Chi, calm down abeg." Sopulu says again rubbing her back.
"Abeg leave me joor, see fool o..." She goes over to a desk, grabs a seat and proceeds to rest her head.
"Guys, please, don't mind Buife ok? I'll get to him later," He assures us, "And most importantly, girls, please, I'm sorry and yes, thank you."
"No wahala abeg," Chidera says head still down.
"See, no wahala, your body, your choice always, anyways joor, no need to apologize ok? And whatever but most importantly just... we're not in a boarding school system or anything. This is a day school, you guys can always go home and do whatever in y'all's rooms at home, no one really send una for there, it's your personal space ok? But this is school na, abeg!"
"Ok, I've heard, dáàlụ nụ, dáàlụ rịnné, let me go and check up on him abeg," He says as he arises.
"Sopulunnem," Chidera calls out. She turns, I could see it in his eyes, I smirk. These two should sha be careful, "Be careful."
"I will, thanks," He rushes out.
"How far, how far, Sopulu wait first," He stops on his tracks.
"Oooooo, Ngozi na, what?" He queries hastily.
"Oga be calming down jare, be doing the calms joor," They both giggle, "On a more serious note, Sopulu, how's he, like your spec? Like Buife, Lincoln, Nnejigibuife, that guy, your spec?" I enquire.
"It's complicated," He settles down on the desk. He's gonna explain it to us.
"Aswearr, it's true o!" Chidera adds, "How come it's Lincoln? Like no other guy?"
"Mama, you'll not understand. You know that time that he was laughing at me earlier?"
"Yes," I think I can sense where this is going.
"We were actually dating at that point in time," Chi and I glance at each other, "He comes to me and we're gisting, like hours later he begins talking about how he wants to see how it's like to be with a Man," Chi grabs a hold of my palm still looking at him. He smiles knowing this shit has occurred before, "Personally, I admit his cute, he looks hot and his butt actually looks good," As much as I wanted to lie, it was the truth.
Lincoln is a tall, light skinned guy with a regular body shape. He sha looked like if he put in the work he would be ripped but as for now, he looked mmeh! He had piercings in his ears and he plaited his hair. He was not the only guy doing this nowadays, it was what everyone was doing, hearing from our revolutionary voices, we understood that wearing our beautiful black skin, fat noses, big red lips and natural hair with pride was the first step to mental decolonization so the N'ụrụsọrọ Parliament over at Sankara issued a law into place calling for the immediate arrest and punishment of individuals trying to help, enforce, implement pro colonial ideosyncracies like people forcing others into shaving the hair on their head against their wish,the institutions or people helping out with nose shaping surgeries, those selling creams that bleach the skin in anyway, even the parents, institutions, teachers and lecturers in schools who try to force kids to go through the horror of all these especially shaving of their hair be they Lady or Male.
"So lemme get this straight..." Chidera calls.
"You know how much I hate that," I reply.
"Lincoln, Buife, comes up to you and asks to experiment on his sexuality with you, fine. This is the same fool, that sat with the niggas at the back insulting the shit outta you and he was laughing and making jokes too," I take a deep breathe as she continues, "Now you're saying, he's your boyfriend?"
He's smiling sheepishly from ear to ear, moving his tongue round his teeth as he sat there, legs crossed on the seat next to the door. I don't know what to say to this guy so I allow Chi just continue talking.
"This is the same fool that claims that claimed they would rather shoot his Mother in the leg two times than him be with a Man..." I'm shocked.
"Mama, he said that?" I ask.
"Ah ah, were you not there?" I recall.
"Ok yes, yes, wait, what? The fuck is wrong with him?"
"Also the same guy who said that Queerism is synon..."
"Abeg I no dey hear again, that guy is not normal abeg," I call out.
"I don't mind o, I love him," It's well. I look at Chi and she gives me that 'it's a pity' kinda look.
"Shey you wanted to go and see him?" Chidera asks.
"Yes oooo."
"Oya be going abeg, ná' wáá, ná'wáá, ná'wáá!" He laughs. Arising, he seems to do a little twirl. Ógịnị kwá! May this one sef dey shift.
"Ok o, be careful o, the prison system is nothing to write home about," I say, and as He races after Buife.
"Babe," Chidera calls out, "Abeg is there something like pick me in the queer community?"
"Do you even need to ask?" Chidera slaps her forehead and proceeds to laugh, "Shey you no dey see am, original, first class, pick me shah!" I reply, "Pick me princess," We giggle hysterically.
"Ìsị nó pick me? This one don pass pick me, this one na..."
"But it's disgusting that people in the name of criminals and offenders, valuable people resources as they are, are locked up and are busy rotting away while the common and free people are hungry and starving and the economy is steady dwindling and diminishing," Chidera arises and proceeds to sit on the desk pulling out her phone as I continue, "It would be to our benefit if we as a region chase certain aggressive agrarian policies instead of depending on sorely crude oil alone, the people won't drink the oil, they gats chop real food on a steady and yes, since there are people who are with the belief that 'rules were made to be broken' those people who will intentionally or unintentionally commit these crimes are to be put to good use to the benefit of the communities as punishment, yes! Instead of locking them up, you turn the prisons into something of a lodge or a hostel securely and heavily protected by our top notch law enforcement agents, with free feeding and healthcare funded by their labor, as they will then be treated as workers of the community, they will be amongst the beneficiaries of their own personal labour, both Lady and Male, You know, unless they are rapists or murderers then they are killed by the firing squads because all murderers and rapists that have been proven guilty with substantial amount of evidence, physically, mentally or spiritually gotta die, period!"
"Hmmhm," Chidera adds as I pause a bit, "Yes, for sure na, why not? All rapists gotta die, for sure, for sure!"
"It's a commandment! Íwú kà óbụ! So for the number of years they're sentenced to 'the farm,' yes it will now be referred to as 'being sentenced to the farms,' the farms in this context will be called ụgbọịwụ, law farms, so for the number of days, weeks, month or years they'll be sentenced to the farms by the ụnóịwụ, law courts, they will work in various farms, industries and other state owned manual labor institutions across the regions like road and building constructions, and what not till their release at which they will instantly be handed a permanent job on one of their work sites, you get? They would have been skilled enough by then to be able to work on those fields by the time they're released," I stare at her a bit as she's focused on her phone. She realizes the silence and looks up to me with a smile.
"What?"
"Chi, you're not paying attention o," She chuckles a bit.
"I'm broke of attention, I broke die, I no get Ègónné! I no fit pay... attention," she says, staring at me a bit till we both suddenly burst out laughing, "Continue abeg," She says.
"Listen o," I add and continue, "So in that way, their punishments will benefit the people and the community as a whole because remember how our parents used to punish us, na?"
"Hmm, hm, yes na, mpịáwà ázụ!"
"No, not that child abuse they call training children that some parents give their children as if they're not happy they have those children, I'm talking real training and real beneficial punishments like for example, when we do something na, we're punished by being told to sweep the house for a week alone, doing the dishes for like a month, all alone and all others of similarities all alone too, so you see? Things that'll benefit the family or rather the communities as a whole. Not flogging a child like they're cattle, not locking offenders up and giving them free food and free healthcare of which the services are below the barest minimum as the country and it's citizens are barely scrapping by talk more of the inmates, then when they realize the prison houses or correctional facilities can't hold the vast amounts of body no longer, a few are selected, shot, and their bodies are thrown away or burnt so space can be created for more inmates... it's a disgusting and crazy vicious cycle."
"I'm telling you, seriously, like in former western Ákùkùnáhịjá (western Nigeria) now Oduduwa republic, Ódịdá, a prison house originally built for 1500 inmates created by the British during colonial rule to house rebellious slaves and revolutionary voices then began to house three to four thousand inmates at once after independence," Chidera says best to her knowledge still over the phone.
"Aswear my sister, like as how na? As how?"
"I'm coming, let me answer Momsie," She says as she makes her way out.
"Ok na, oya na," I bring out my notebooks, "Make I sharp do Ónyénkụzị Okorie's assignment before that guy go con dey do me anyhow abeg."
"Omo some people sha dey take risk o," Chidera says as she reenters.
"I dey tells you, but what did Mommy want na?"
"Oh, Yours o, she just wanted to check where I had dropped something."
"Ok, sha how far, you don do Ákọ (Mr) Okorie's assignment?"
"Na wetin I wan do sef, siddon may we run am," She sits down and hands me her book.
"As your slave na abi wetin?" She laughs, slapping my shoulder in the process.
"No be you sabi all about the trans Atlantic slave trade wey occur na mgbé ọchịe?"
"So does that make me...? Abegi. So, wetin you reason about Lincoln, em, Buife and Sopulu?" I ask my friend. She puts down her phone and begins.
"See, I'm an ally of their cause o," She replies.
"Yeah, me too, Obvi!" I add, "You're not an ally if you..."
"Oya stop that nonsense, who told you such rubbish, it's disgusting and stupid thinking that abeg, I must not kiss a girl before I can support the community, define ally, what's your fucking problem?"
"I'm just joking..."
"No I don't like that joke," Chi continues, "That's how you people like to say that bisexuals are not part of your community if they're dating the opposite gender."
"Girl, it's simple, if you're a girl dating a boy then your straight, if you begin dating a girl then your queer," I say.
"You're an idiot!" Chidera exclaims. "Who the fuck set that system up for you?"
"We did, we the queer community," She looks at me a while.
"You're too stupid to actually have sense," She grabs her phone and enters Gaddaflip, "Have it," She proceeds to show me a video on her phone, "You know her right?"
"Of course I do, who doesn't know Olohi? Michicko's left coochie lip, still don't know what that means. Yeah, so why are you showing me a video of her, one of Africa's greatest queer icons..."
"Bịà, bịà, bịà!" Chi calls out, "It's like you don't have sense, are you trying to undermine our very own Mama, Mayowa, Mayowa baby, I love that Mama so much, I wish I could just grab her and kiss her and she would just hold me and..."
I clear my throat, "Ọmụ (Mrs) 'I'm straight as fuck!' now look at you, crushing on a lesbian."
"Hiya! So it's wrong now to crush on somebody, it's now queer to crush on a girl now abi? Abeg o!"
"Not when you seem to have internalized Queerphobia."
"Me? Mmụà kwá? If truly I had 'internalized queerphobia' according to you, how the hell am I friends with you?" She looks at me, she seems hurt.
"I'm sorry," I say grabbing her palms.
"You just don't know how to talk," She hisses, pushing my hands off and turning away a bit.
"Babes I'm sorry na," I continue.
"I have heard," She says playing the video.
"I'm sorry o?"
"Bịà way, I go pour you spit o, I don hear na, Éwụ!" I laugh making her to chuckle. I proceed to look into her phone.
"What did you want to show me?"
"It's Olohi explaining something critical but don't worry, lemme just put it this way, if we go by your stupid definition that means we will be saying that the bisexual community under the queer community shouldn't exist you idiot!"
"That's not what I'm saying..."
"That's exactly what you're saying otondo! Saying that if they're dating Men as Girls that they are that must then mean they're straight and if they're dating Girls then they're lesbian is the most stupid nonsense I have heard all month. The point of bisexuality is a Girl dating a guy knowing she can still date Girls because both of them are her spec and vice versa. The difference between a bisexual and lesbian or gay is not much because a gay thinks girls are ok to be around, befriend, chill with and stuff but would never think of putting his stuff in her pride of life, her pussy, her mkpákóndụ, meanwhile, an average actual lesbian like you is absolutely irritated and disgusted by the single thought of allowing a Guy into her pride of life, a bisexual however can be with a Lady and a Guy and actual enjoys having sex with them, a transgender anyways is for example a Guy who feels like a Lady but was born a Guy, the Guy decides to embrace his innate feeling of Girlness, this feeling of femininity and actually transitioning through surgery. My Guy actually knows he's not going to have periods and most girly things that actually make Girls, Girls and he can never create life and now that his ámụ is gone she also can't help create life but she can now feel like the Lady she is innately. And same goes for a Girl that wants to become a Guy. This is where it becomes crazy because her trying to block her period is not possible, it is though but it's unhealthy, unadvisable and stupid and she's just hurting herself in the long run, yes the boobs can go, but the pride of life should never go because that blood of life, it must flow, it should flow, we can't cheat mummy Nature. And of course, obviously, all the birth controls are poisons, so another firm no, no, from me. So when she transitions, he can add an ámụ (penis) or not but he'll always continue to have her mkpákóndụ intact, that's the only way out, the best solution."
I nod at her, "Ok wait, true, obviously, we can't cheat mummy Nature. I feel like it's easier for a Guy to become a Girl of course without the actual feelings and activities that makes Girls, Girls than it is for a Girl to become a Guy, no, it becomes complicated when my girl wants to be a Guy of course without the stuffs that actually make Guys, Guys," I say.
"Look, wait, you're kinda correct. I feel like for so long, we as a civilization has been getting everything wrong..."
"Obviously."
"Let's always look to and into mummy Nature for clarity and guidance, look at a tomato for example, it is a vegetable that has the qualities of a fruit, it has seeds. It's actually intersex."
"It's a fruit," I say.
"I liked to think it's a vegetable but now I understand it's intersex, the new and actual better word for hermaphrodite. It's intersex, yes, we're people afterall, Las, Las, we gave it a name, intersex. My point, mummy Nature doesn't classify things like we do, we always want clarity, black or white, dark or fair, queer or straight, tall or short, vegetable or fruit, She or He, Lady or Male... She says, no! She says Diversity, intersexuality, They slash Them, they, them. A Guy that feels innately feminine is not simply gay or a Girl, he's still a Guy, if he identifies as a Girl and actually means it and is what he says he is then we should actually give him a break. Obviously we can't allow them in the Lady or Male bathrooms so they get to have an intersex bathrooms for the trans people and the intersex people so that no pervert takes advantage of being intersex maybe and come into the Ladies' just to watch us do our thing so we should create intersex bathrooms, and we call them intersex bathrooms, for a better and more inclusive where everyone is happy. All intersex people and trans people should use the intersex bathrooms, simple! Ngozi, my point, let's give tomatoes and especially we people, ourselves, each other, let's give each other a break. If we still make soup with tomatoes and eat it raw as it is even though mother Nature made them intersex then we should also accept a Girl that feels masculine. I personally don't feel or see the need for transgender surgeries because if we can allow people no matter their gender live their lives, if a Guy looks or feels feminine in nature then we should allow them dress, talk and act that way. To tell you the truth the reason why transgender is even in existence is simply because they wanna wear the body of the gender they identify with so that they can successfully blend in with it and not be ostracized but if they're left alone to dress and feel how they wanna feel there really would be no need for transgenderism and all these trans surgeries. So let's please give people a break. And not all Guys that dress like Girls are queer or intersex and not all Girls that dress like Guys are queer or intersex. Let's please normalize giving people a break."
I stare at her a while.
"What?"
"I'm just wondering how a straight spaghetti like you has a lot of knowledge of us wet spaghettis."
She smiles, "Of course I do, I'm subscribed to Olohi, she's a legend of the Pride."
"Ok sha, I guess you're right. Me myself, I'm..."
"Lesbian, everybody knows that, you're actually one of those born queer, like you're lesbian at first sight..." I laugh.
"And you are?" I ask.
"Rest! I'm straight."
"But you're crushing big on Olohi..." She slaps her forehead, hard.
"Haven't you learnt nothing from Olohi?" She asks.
"As how? I actually don't follow her at all but I will though," I grab out my phone, "What's her username?"
"Michicko's left coochie lip, all together, no symbols," I nod in response, I tap on the verified account and make sure she's the one before tapping the subscribe and follow buttons.
"Done."
"Good, you won't regret it." She says arising to stretch.
"That's what you said about Mayowa when you told me to subscribe to and follow Mayowa's world."
"And did you regret it? Don't lie, you watch Mayowa every night before you sleep," She says sitting down. I smile in defeat.
"Oya, oya, it's... you don catch me. Back to our friends though, see sef, I don't mind whatever they were doing, but it should at least be in their rooms at their homes na, abeg, I don't know why these our classmates love to thrive on controversy."
"I'm saying!" Chi agrees as she opens up her book.
"But the bi... forget! I no really get your strength, but they gats calm down sha, that one sha concern them..." As she was still talking, the very lanky, extremely light skinned girl with all back and a neatly pressed school uniform top and a knee high skirt that's way too spacious as if trying to hide that she was slim hits her stick at the door to garner our attention.
"Ladies, it's time for assembly o," She says to us with her usual charming smile, scratching her leather shoe, her cortina on the untiled cement floor, she loved doing that.
"As how na? As how?" I exclaim.
"Good morning Senior... good morning Oge," Chidera calls out to her.
"Ehen, fine girl, how are you doing today na?" She replies with her usual smile that lightened up the whole room, it was always a pleasure and a thing of joy to have her around, she was just a burst of fresh air, I guess that's why her middle name meant joy or happiness in English
"I'm fine o," Chidera replies, though excited, she's replies over her cellphone.
She turns to me, "The historian herself, Imhotep's first daughter."
"Ah!" I exclaim in surprise.
"Nefertite's granddaughter," I chuckle dusting my hands in awe.
"Ah, ah!" Chidera laughs over her phone.
"Aminatu of Zaria's god daughter..."
"Ógịnị kwá?" I exclaim.
"Moremi's Queen consort."
"Ịbịákwà!" Chidera adds.
"Ahhhhhh, Amina of Zazzau, my mummy? Ónyé nsó njịsị áká ịké, em Chi.
"Yes love?"
"Wetin you dey call those dead people wey don kpai but una still dey honor them?"
"You mean saints?"
"Yes, but e get another style wey get 'P' for front..."
"Ok I feel you, patron saints. Ndị nsó nédụ ányị."
"Exactly! See better Roman Catholic babe o, Ásà mpété m!" I call on Chi who makes to hide how blushy she looked, "Yes o, Amina of Zazzau is my patron saint. Anyways, SP be calming down o abeg!" I say to her with a chuckle, she wouldn't stop calling me 'the historian' ever since I performed a history presentation at the morning assembly that one time in jss3, but today's hype was extraordinary, outta this world!
"But isn't it true?" She replies, "I sometimes wonder how two of you's link up even began because you're talkative and boring, historical..." She turns to me squarely, "How far, you know history is boring to our generation and majority don't like that stuff even though you believe that we all need it, because one who fails to learn from history is doomed to repeat it," I nod in agreement.
"Painful but true," I say.
"Girl, the truth hurts," Chi says over her phone.
"Nné, I know ah, resti!"
"You see? Your boring historical facts and her with her new age ideosyncracies, it's alarming how the two of you came together..."
"We can always be united in diversity I guess," Chi who had had her hands on my shoulder reached out for a fist bump which I immediately reciprocated, Oge equally nods in agreement.
"You know what God has joined together no one can put assunder," Oge chips in.
"I swear my sister, Nnéụwá kàchásị (Nnéụwá is the greatest)" I reply, none of them heard me. No biggie. Chi hisses over something on her phone as I continue, "I sure do wish we all knew this because that's the problem with Africa, the external forces are using our leaders whom they selected for us thanks to our lackadaisical attitude to affairs of national and regional importance happening currently in the Sudans and our great heartbeat of the Motherland, the Congos. They steal from us using their selected leaders which they imposed on us to keep us divided in our diversity, and the foreign imposed leaders now make use of our religious leaders the closest link to us the people to keep us distracted and prayerful, on our knees praying to some God the colonizers and invaders brought along to us and they leave us being all quiet to the exploitations and destructions of our regions, they encourage us to keep praying for a better region meanwhile we are submitting our meager income to them in the name of some God the colonizers brought along side them and they are taking our funds and going around flexing with the politicians behind our backs while us the tithe payers and tax payers are struggling to feed, I don't know if you get the link? Why do you think no church pays taxes? The government don't pay taxes, Religion is the government. The government is Religion, Religion and Politics are closer than five and six."
"Abi? That's why they had a revolution because they understood that war is when the government tell you who your enemies are, a revolution is when we tell ourselves who our enemies are and the revolutionary voices understood the link between religion, politics and colonialism, but sha, it's well... so, assembly na," Oge says turning to the door, she hits her stick on the desk and with an unconscious twirl turns back to us, it was her usual mannerism.
"Ok, we're coming, it's like seven minutes more na," Chidera says over her phone.
"But abi you don forget, the early bird they say gets the worm I'm sure you've heard," Ogechi says.
"Nnụnụ ná ététá ná ógè gá nghụtá ọkpọ óné óchóró, the bird that rises early gets all the worms she wants, in other words, the early birdie gets the worms," I emphasize.
"No mean say the babe no go sleep cos say she dey find worm..." Chidera remarks over her phone. She senses the silence and glances at Oge who was doing the talking with her sparkling brown eyes, "Oge baby, no vex na, mein fuhrer, il duce ná ọnwé yá!"
"Chi you're mad o, what are you saying? Ok, I get it now, you're actually really very mad," I chuckle as Chidera laughs.
"But how far Ngóó na lie I lie?" She turns to me.
"Abi, no be lie o," I reply with less enthusiasm cos something else was on my mind.
"I don see say two of una dey mad!" Oge adds. We all laugh as I continue.
"Anyway sha, oya na baby, we're coming," I say and as Ogechi makes to leave someone approaches the door, hitting his stick twice as thick as hers on the door, narrowly missing her eyes.
"Bịà Kenechi, See my eyes o, I'm very sure eyes don't have duplicate, no scientist so far has been able to make an artificial eye and I'm sure that if they were finally able to, 90% of our citizens in this country abi continent sef won't be able to afford it because of the economic hardship of this region of the Motherland despite our vast and rare mineral resources and whatever, so Kenechi, bịịịkọ! My eyes!"
"Abi, especially in the heart of Africa, the democratic republic of the Congo, Kọngọ, yeah and our neighboring Cameroon, Ánịéwọndọ, here o, But us in Biafra, Ówụwá we're actually... We're still upcoming, we're still building" Kenechi shoots me 'the look' and Ogechi signals me with her eyes to shut the fuck up.
"Ooooohk, because of small SP wey dem manage give you you dey run me big big grammar, abegi, resti joor," He shuns her suddenly.
"I'm sure the entire school is aware of all you did just because of this 'small' SP," she air quotes the small for emphasis as we mildly smile, "If you were given the opportunity, you would suck the Ákpé nwáànyị's toes just for this 'small' post, so rest abeg, jare!"
"What are you guys still doing here, you people should run downstairs immediately!" He diverts his annoyance to us and we quickly pack up our stuffs so we can move but Oge calms us down.
"How far, Kenechi, you're aware that this is the time we're supposed to be studying for the JAMB, WAEC and NECO external examinations and we're chasing these ones whom to... soon, just soon enough, sooner than we know it, they'll take away our positions and we'll rest. Our such revered, so high and mighty posts and positions will be handed to them, so please let's be nice even if it's just for once."
"Sha, them never comot am, so we still have every right to tear their back..." Ogechi turns to us and signals us to go. She murmurs a 'sorry' at us as we move, and I shake my head with a smile.
See, this was the reason why at long last, Ogechi Anwuli Aguiba is our senior prefect, Ágbóịzịzịn'édụ ányị. Fulani born, Ìgbo blooded princess of the Ótósịnahija as I like to refer her as. She was born in the Fulani district of Adamawa province of Arewa to Ìgbo parents of Ìgbo heritage and ancestry. I know cos she's actually Chi and I's school Mother, so she told us. She's our eternal fuhrer, supreme il duce, our student body president, ónyé Ágbónédụányị and fortunately it was not the long expected self acclaimed senior prefect Kenechi whatever his stupid, silly, dirty surname is.
"Ogechi, abeg wait," I turn and call upon her as she comes from the classroom with Kenechi behind her.
"Be like say una dey craze, no be una I just hala make una go assembly?" He barks at us.
"How far Kenechi be calming down o, you're pouring me saliva, rest o, if you like don't be nice, you seem to forget your younger brother is in the seventh grade, what you do to them will be done to him and girl, your sister Ukanne, oh kokokooooo, I pity her, and na Esther be..." She replies him.
"See Ogechi," he stares at her a bit embittered, snaps his fingers, and moves on bodying Chidera, purposely I must add and making her almost drop her phone. She makes to go after him, but Ogechi grabs her, signaling her with her eyes to calm down as Chidera eyes him aggressively.
"Kenechi break someone's phone o, I can see your Mummy has money na to spare for a brand new phone, look at him o, like see this guy o, because of small high school post that will soon be taken from us, this guy is really not ok," We giggle under our breath, "So why are you Ladies calling upon me na?"
"When are they sharing post?" Chidera asks.
"Chidera, how e take concern you?" I ask her.
"Leave me, jare!" She hurls back at me.
"That's not my place to say," She replies.
"How far na, almighty Senior prefect like you? Ọdọgwụ ná ọnwé yá, ónyé student body president like you?" Ogechi stares at her a bit, "Ehen na," She adds.
"It's like you Ladies are not serious!" She turns to move, and I grab her arm.
"Oya see, no vex o, that's not the reason we called you abeg, no vex! Em, I don't know if you saw what Esther posted yesterday," She stares at us with sudden realization.
"Abi? It's true o, aaahhhh, so it's even you sef Chidera! Ehyaaa Chidera sorry o," She sympathizes with us.
"Yes, that's the reason we actually called you. I don't know if you can do anything about it?" I say to her. She responds by laughing out loud. We want to believe it's in mockery of us, but we can't tell, "Why are you laughing?" I inquire.
"Because you believe that anyone in this school right now can do anything to her," She chuckles again, "Her father is the commissioner of sports and youth development in the Omambala region and is equally the senior special advicer on sports and youths welfare to the regional district N'ụrụsọrọ Parliament. Her father is one of the top investors in our school, he is the Ákụnné nnụkwụ, Grand Chancellor of the Nházị ndị Nkụzị, ndị Nné ná ndị Nná, Nházị Nịị, the Parents, teachers association, the PTA, and as I said, is a very dignified and indispensable member of the school's top board of directors, so she's basically and practically untouchable, not even the principal, the Ìyọm can do anything about it soooo, you're request sadly is... out of my reach"
"So she's like going to get away with it?" Chidera queries, clearly hurt.
"Chi, Chi baby be calming down na o?" I caution Chidera.
"See, Chidera, forget about it. You really can't do nothing about it because of her terrible father and his enormous influence in this school and the region at large, not to talk of..."She chuckles again, "How far na, her Mom's scholarships across the region and what not, how far, you can't... but I'll try and talk... What am I even saying sef, she has never listened to me not that she'll start today, look, Chidera, Ngozi, just be steady avoiding her ok, it's hard, I know but that's the only way, after all, in less than thirteen months and you'll never be close to her for the rest of y'all's lives, ah! No reason the girl abeg, abi her and those her minions, they'll soon meet their Waterloo, no Wahl."
I turn to Chidera, she pulls up her phone as if to check the time and drops it again, "Abi? Chi, see no reason am na, you don hear Ogechi na?" She shrugs and begins to walk away, "Afar, babe, babes..." I make to haste after her, but Ogechi pulls me back by my wrist.
"She's clearly upset, give her some space to breathe, she'll get over it, see, look ahead, the students are steady arriving in their masses, I think it's time you ss2 class learn how to handle being in charge, after all, it's the term for that already."
"Abi? No be lie," I reply and proceed to follow her steadily, "But Anwuli."
"Élè way?"
"When are they sharing posts? Because it is clear that they're not going to do elections for us," Ogechi smirks and pats my back and signals at me, saying.
"Ngozichi?" Oge calls out, "Can we move on?"
As I drag on behind her, I exclaim, "Oge naaaaaaa..."