27. "LONELY HOUSE"
I just left the room where there was me, my mama and my little sister, if you could've put an ear on the door, you would think that nobody is around and as a young man, I just need a lady friend that will keep my mind busy during these trying time, I don't even remember how it feels to be around a woman.
There's no love in this big house, everybody stays in their own room and it's always been that way but I'm now tired of being part of this, I need a lady friend that will keep me out of this house. I've been working on my pain, getting over my failures and mistakes, I see the positive change in myself and I just need a lady friend that I can prove this to.
I miss having conversations, I miss falling out of place and deep into a woman's energy, I miss the peace that a woman carries in herself, I find it in between her arms, I have never went this long without a girl in my life, I've really stopped giving a fuck about my needs.
Grandma left her own house, people are getting distant and it doesn't feel like a home at the moment, so I need somebody that will be my escape from all of this because it's cold, it's damaging and it's dark, I need a girl that will bring me that sense of happiness, love and warmth.
28. "HURTS MORE"
I turned into a maniac when she walked out of my life, it was like I was thrown out of the only place I've known to be home, I've seen my life turn into a strange place and I've lost touch with myself because my reality had come to a fact that the best love and the best lover that I know may never be mine ever again.
I try to use writing as therapy but it doesn't help because when I write, I end up on her name, when I sleep, I see her face and when I turn off the music, her voice is all I'm hearing, I got one question, why did it have to be this way when my love for her is this strong?
I wanna love her so bad but I can't have her anymore, I got one more question, if she's not meant to be mine, why don't this love die?
It hurts to live every moment without the girl that I love, it hurts that she's no longer part of my life and it hurts that all I'm left with is lovely memories but it hurts even more that I'm still utterly in love with the person that I can't be with anymore.
29. "CAN'T EVEN MOVE ON"
They say "The best way to move from somebody is to get under somebody else", I've tried that many times but as soon as the light turns off and I'm left alone in a cold bed, I find myself reminiscing of the best parts of my first love and then I end up making up a beautiful fantasy in my mind about things that will never happen.
The truth of the matter is that I've got a lot of baggage to unpack, I never been ready to move on, I gave up on myself early for the love that probably was only meant to exist for 13 months, guess this is the price to pay for creating attachments to things that aren't for me.
Who was I fooling thinking I could have such a beautiful thing? I come from lonely background, wasn't raised under my father's roof, my mother has always struggled to tell us she loves us, not to even mention giving us a hug, we barely say 10 words to each other under the same roof.. I guess the error here is me thinking that this girl would be my rescue and an introduction to a happy ever after.
I got attached because she was loving, she was affectionate, she created this little world for me and I would feel my voids get filled up bit by bit through our chapter but it wasn't meant to be a forever thing, that's my own bullshit to deal with.