I was floating in the darkness for so long . I kept wondering if I was dead .
There were no memories there . There was no pain.
The silence was the coffin that engulfed my whole existence.
Or did I even exist ? I was not complaining though.
It was over . It was blissfully over . I curled up in the darkness hoping to melt away .
I did not have a name . I did not have a family there . I did not need to save someone. I did not need to be in fear .
The painless solitude I had longed for enveloped me .
Although sometimes I would dream of my childhood. Sometimes I would see my brother riding a bike . Sometimes I would hear Liam's voice next to me - but everything was a figment of my imagination.
Even though these things had been precious to me more than my life , but they had still left me bleeding and scarred .
A part of me did not want to go back . I was in peace thinking that they were just parts of my dreams .
One time I dreamt of a hospital bed . I did not want to dream something so awful but I kept hearing them -
" It is a wonder that she had not broken any bones , but there are minor fractures at thirteen places , tendons ------------ torn , will take six months to recover . I think that it will take a long time for her to start dancing again ."
" How long ?," it was my husband's voice. He sounded broken.
" One year at best ."
My dream drowned into darkness again until I saw my brother once .
He looked like he had not cleaned himself for days . He was kneeling at the side of my bed ,with his hands clasped together for a prayer ," Please , Please wake up. You can not do this to me. You can not leave me ."
But I was dead , wasn't I ?
I wondered through the darkness . As times went on , the darkness slowly turned into mist .
Blue mist that surrounded me like a shroud. I could hear voices here and there .
" She is doing better than the last week .Her body is healing well "
" Then why won't she wake the fuck up?"
" Probably -"
I was so so annoyed of the voices . Why wouldn't they let my death be in peace ?
But the more times went , the more sensations came to my body . I could smell the bitter smell of the hospital and medicines . I could feel the needles poking my skin now and then - until one afternoon I opened my eyes and stared at the orange sunset .
I could not believe my eyes .
The gigantic enormous ball of fire looked more realistic than the dreams I was having . I was upset . I did not want to come back to life .
I was too tired to go on .
I wanted to be dead .
" Julia ?"
I looked up to see the face of the man I had hated more than my father . It was my husband. Someone who had made me love him and then had twisted a knife inside my ribcage.
I hated him. I hated everything. The horror of realising that I had to continue to keep being alive broke me into pieces .
Hadn't I done enough ? Hadn't I suffered enough ?
What more did the world want from me ?
I screamed in frustration as Liam's hands surrounded me . He could not understand my pain . He could not understand my fear .
But he understood enough of me to know that I was not okay .
The horror of past few days crawled through my veins . In rage , I scratched his arms ," DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!"
I was mortified that he could see what an animal I was . I was terrified of any kind of touch . Cause to me , a touch without pain did not exist anymore .
" It is okay , it is alright ," he holded up his hands in defense ," Let me call the doctors."
My head was empty as the doctors came. They were asking a lot of questions. It was not like I could not understand what they were saying , it was just that I did not want to answer them .
Why should I ? What would they do if they found about my weakness ?
I was hysterical. Something in me was broken and I knew that it was not going to get fixed .
Among the doctors , I recognised a familiar face -Dr. Ravesh .
" We meet again ," he tried to start a conversation.
But I denied , lying down on the bed . A place in my body where it did not hurt , that did not exist .
I hated this . I closed my eyes as he said ," I will be here to talk when you are ready Mrs. Anderson."
But none bothered me as much as my own husband. I did not understand why he bothered to be constantly hover at the edge of my vision everyday .
But sometimes when he was gone , I would be wondering when he would come back .
It was awfully lonely by myself .
Days went by , the doctors suggested that I should try to start walking again . But looking at my feet , I would wonder if that was ever possible.
" My mother ?," I had asked Liam one evening as he sat at the corner of my room doing some paperworks. His back was turned at me which gave me the space to openly stare at him ," Is she dead ?"
He had frozen and then mustered the calmest voice he could manage ," She , uh , Mrs. Dane is currently in a psychiatric house in Europe taken cared by the nurses sponsored by our company. Would you like to see her ?"
" No ."
What was the point ? I was the reason that her life has turned so miserable.
That was all I could do , anyway. Make the people around me miserable. I could see the toll on Liam's features. His dark circles became permanent, his posture grew tired and tired day by day .
It did not take me long to realise that he was going to work and coming back to take care of me . There was no rest in between them.
He was killing himself for me . A part of me thought that he deserved that . But rest of me wanted to die soon so he could be free of the misery named Julia Anderson.