I see his blond hair first. He's in the doorway a little ways behind the stairs, right where he should be, looking like the most promising backup plan to any well-trained otome-isekaier's eye. I know he'll be there to catch me if I mess up and fall when I slide down the railing and impress him, the male lead, by being not like other girls. He's wearing a white prince suit, the typical kind one finds male leads clad in inside Otome media, with gold edging and chains hanging here and there and gold pads with little fringes topping his 4-foot shoulders. He's probably blocking up the bride and groom and the other one-third of the guests who haven't filed in yet.
I peek over the balcony lining the upper interior walls of the church at the guests in their seats facing the altar. Indistinct chatter floats up to me, mixed together with the sound of Canon in D on string quartet drifting through the air. I'm not really sure where I'm supposed to sit, but I'll probably find myself seated in the correct spot when the next cutscene happens after I clear this level.
Although the male lead is in the doorway, he shouldn't step through it until I've initiated the stairway scene. I hurry down the narrow balcony, long puffy dress sweeping against the smooth walls.
The stairway has a polished ebony railing shaped like two long tubes pressed together. That's not going to be very comfortable on my butt. Although, the thick skirts should help lessen any buttcheek-friction.
I glance over at Blond Boy to make sure he'll see what I'm doing. He's staring blankly at the foot of the stairs, probably frozen in place until I begin my stunt. Why the original author made him blond and not dark-haired will always puzzle me. I hike up my skirt and settle my bum onto the top of the railing. Placing my hands on the post at the top, I push off.
At first I'm sliding rather straight down the banister. There is only a slight curve on the whole structure because the stairway ends slightly rotated towards the seating area. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to dramatize this more, so I start squealing in my best courageous yet clumsy female-lead voice. "OUIEEEEEEEEEEE..."
I'm about a third of the way down the railing when I feel the round surface sliding to the side underneath my butt. My sexy squeal morphs into a scream of terror as I topple over the edge of the banister towards the seats, the ground rushing towards me.
My eyes squeeze shut. The male lead will save me, right?! Whenever the female lead is clumsy, the male lead always—
My feet find solid ground. I open my eyes, expecting to come face-to-face with a long nose and a (chiseled?) sharp jaw. But all that's before my eyes when I lift my head and blink them open is the painted ceiling of the church. A lot of baby angels. But the ceiling is closer than I thought it would be. I glance back down and my eyes settle on the male lead. HE'S STILL AT THE DOORWAY. And I'm back at the balcony door!
By the looks of it, the level has reset and nothing ridiculous has happened yet! Excellent. I hurry through the balcony doorway. I'll slide down the whole way this time. I will get to the stairs faster as well. I—
The balcony. What's happened to the balcony?? The short strip of wall that used to circle the entire exterior of the balcony has vanished out of existence! A few steps further and I'd topple off the edge and right onto the live orchestra seated below. Has something happened to the game render??? Or are we losing assets here!?
Once upon a time, I was cheating on my webcomic with my mobile game. Then a flash of lightning and a bolt of thunder found their way into my life, and the rest is history. If only I'd predicted that the webcomic and the game would fuse together before sucking me in. But it had seemed like, up until now, it was only the system that had merged with the webcomic's story. But now, it looks like more than that has carried over!
This can only be a sign that I have to do things correctly this time.
I start to edge across the balcony, keeping to the wall as best as I can. I try to move quickly but steadily. As I reach the banister, I observe the male lead's face from afar. His face is still as blank as ever. I find myself very curious about whether his face will become a new expression later, or if there will just be flowers and bubbles spawning around his head.
This time, I try to memorize the curve of the banister. If I know where I'm going, it should be easier to stay on, right? But as I approach the post, I notice that half of the railing is completely gone! I turn to the opposite side of the stairs. The opposite railing is pressed against a wall. If I went on that one, my back might suffer, and my bodice might rip in the back, which is an action reserved for male leads, not walls, so it would inevitably break the game.
Looks like I'm taking the half-rail.
I try to look the opposite of what I feel just in case the male lead is watching. I shimmy down the steps and quickly add some interest by fluttering my eyelids, flipping my long blonde female lead waves over my shoulder, tossing my head, and smiling sexily at the air.
The effect is instantaneous. Glittery gold bubbles and large pink roses the size of my face bloom around me. This attempt is going better than I expected. At first I worry that the giant roses will block my way to the railing, but when I reach the halfway point and come to a stop, the roses and bubbles blink out of existence just as quickly as they'd appeared. I settle back on the railing and with a flourish, push myself into a slide.
The bottom of the stairs rushes towards me and wind whips through my thick female lead locks. I land gracefully on my heels, which are just as sturdy and comfortable as sneakers and behave exactly the same way.
As I brush my hair out of my face and go for one more sexy head toss, I notice that the male lead is still in the doorway. HIS FACE STILL HASN'T CHANGED. I don't get it. I swivel my head around in the air, but there isn't any floating instruction display telling me the objective for the next level or the instructions for a new quest.
And then, I blink, and I'm back to the balcony door. That is, the ledge door.
Looks like that wall asset isn't coming back.
I look down at the ML WHO IS STILL STANDING IN THE DOORWAY with a face calmer than a mosquito-infested pond of still water and confirm that the level has reset. AGAIN.
I bite back a scream of frustration. If the level disliked that I slid down only half the railing, couldn't it at least appreciate my hair flip? Or did that only anger the system for using up resources to render animations, rose-growing rigs, and bubble physics??
I can't fail again. The same verse of Canon in D reverberates around the room for the third time. If I have to slide down the whole railing, the only option remaining is the left side railing, where the wall might rip my bodice. Oh well, guess the male lead will have to suck it up and let an inanimate object rip the female lead's bodice before he can.
I round the corner onto the balcony ledge and almost slip right off the edge. The walls have gotten closer to the edge—and shinier. No, they're not smooth anymore—they're covered in giant blowmold gingerbread house walls!
The Christmas special in my mobile platformer game contained a background of a similar appearance—warm brown gingerbread house walls in an endless horizontal scroll, complete with puffy white snow lining the bottom and colorful candy doors and windows. But instead of beautiful pixel art with adorable little details, this cheap plastic alternative is going to send me plummeting into the laps of some unlucky audience members. Or their heads.
There's almost nowhere I could possibly fit both feet on the ledge anymore. The only spaces are those in front of the candy doors, inset a little by the puffy snow framing either side. I reach forward and brush my fingers over the glossy surface of the nearest gingerbread wall. It's utterly ungrippable. My only chance is with the vintage-style curved chocolate lamps attached to the sides of each door and window.
Slowly, I begin to climb from one side of the wall to the other, gripping a chocolate lamp and wedging my feet between snow puffs. I think about stabbing my high heel into the puffs and potentially getting a better grip, but then I consider that this might result in a much greater destruction. The whole blowmold might splinter and crack and fall away, taking me down with it. Besides, my heels behave like sneakers anyway, and are probably only sharp during balls.
By the time I can hobble away from the blowmold wall and over to the stairs, my back is so slicked with sweat that I no longer feel fearful of the bodice rip potential. I collapse against the left side railing and breathe for a few seconds before settling against the wall behind it and flattening my butt against the top.
Glancing down, I memorize the curve of the railing again. The only difference between the left railing and the right one is the decorative leftward curve at the bottom of this one. I decide against any squealing this time in case I get distracted trying to find the sexiest possible tone. I steel myself and, leaning just a little forward to avoid the back wall, I push off.
But my body is too used to the right side railing. When I reach the bottom, the leftward curve shocks my spine and I topple backward, landing on my back with my feet in the air, ruffled skirts splaying outward.
A moment later, I'm on my feet again, looking out through the balcony doorway at the low chandelier hanging from the center of the church ceiling.
I hide behind the doorframe and use my hand to muffle my scream. I don't understand how I can possibly beat this level. I scream a few times into the palm of my hand. After a few measures of Canon in D, I take a deep breath and step through the doorway.
This is the last time, I swear.
I peer over at the stairs. The railings on both sides of the stairs are gone.
How am I supposed to slide down WHEN THERE IS NO RAILING LEFT.
As I am pondering this dilemma, a striped pink-and-orange painted plastic candy bar juts out of the closest window of the candy house, extending out past the edge of the balcony-turned-ledge.
Then it shrinks back in just as quickly as it had come.
Half a second later, another candy bar, this time orange and red, shoots out from the next window, then immediately retracts back into the wall.
As the next window beyond it extrudes a brown-and-yellow candy bar, the pink-and-orange bar in the window closest to me pops out again, ready to knock me off the ledge in a lethal drop the moment I step in front of that window.
The gingerbread wall is now a full-blown timed obstacle course.
I am so done with this game.