Ne Job: The Intern from Hell
Chapter 9 – Paperwork Apocalypse
Ne Job was starting to suspect that the Bureau had it out for him.
Not in a "stern boss scolds lazy intern" kind of way, but in the "malevolent system designed by gods to crush souls into dust" kind of way.
He had barely survived yesterday's disaster with the inventory scrolls. Now, as the sunless lamps of the Bureau flickered awake, he arrived at his desk to find something much worse:
A mountain.
No, a continent.
No, a tectonic plate of paperwork stacked precariously on his desk, reaching all the way up to the ceiling. Each form was stamped "URGENT," "MANDATORY," and—most ominously—"IN TRIPLICATE."
"Yue!!" Ne Job shrieked, pointing at the papery skyscraper as if it were a cursed beast. "What is THAT?"
Assistant Yue adjusted her spectacles without looking up from her neat, color-coded files.
"That," she said with the calm of someone who had already surrendered her sanity years ago, "is today's backlog."
"Backlog? BACKLOG? This looks like the aftermath of a war between ten kingdoms!"
"Mm." Yue made a note on her clipboard. "Actually, this is just the paperwork from Division 7's tea break last week."
Ne Job stared. "Tea break? What kind of tea are they drinking—black hole flavor?!"
Yue ignored him. "You'll need to sort, stamp, sign, and file all of these by the end of the day."
Ne Job staggered back like she had stabbed him. "The end of the day?!"
"Yes. If you fail, the Bureau will fine Lord Bureaucrat Xian. If he gets fined, he'll fine me. And if I get fined…"
Her glasses flashed dangerously.
Ne Job swallowed. "You'll… fine me?"
"Oh no." Yue's smile was far too serene. "I'll kill you."
---
The Paperwork Trial Begins
Ne Job sat at his desk, staring up at the endless pile. His hands trembled as he picked up the first sheet.
Form 13-A: Authorization for Re-authorization of Authorization Requests.
He blinked. "Why does a form need permission to authorize permission?"
Yue sipped her tea calmly. "Because otherwise it wouldn't be official."
Ne Job wanted to scream. Instead, he dipped his brush in ink and tried to write. Unfortunately, his handwriting looked like a drunken chicken doing martial arts on the paper.
The Bureau's enchanted stamp immediately rejected it, glowing red:
"ILLEGIBLE. PENALTY: +5 MORE FORMS."
From the pile above, five sheets fluttered down like death confetti.
Ne Job clutched his head. "It reproduces?! This is paperwork mitosis!"
---
Allies Appear (Sort of)
"Having trouble, Intern?"
A familiar smug voice drifted over. It was Ao Bing, resplendent in icy-blue robes, carrying his paperwork stack effortlessly in one arm as if it were a bouquet of flowers.
Ne Job glared. "Don't you dare show off."
"Oh, I'm not showing off." Ao Bing smirked. "I'm just reminding you that even dragons can be productive civil servants. Unlike certain… chaos spirits in intern clothing."
Ne Job grabbed a form and waved it like a weapon. "These things multiply when I mess up! I'm fighting for my life here!"
Ao Bing raised an eyebrow. "Then stop messing up."
Ne Job's eye twitched. "Brilliant advice, Ice Cube. Why didn't I think of that?"
Before Ao Bing could retort, a new figure appeared—Dreivery Spirit Bao, wobbling under the weight of a cart stacked with steaming dumplings.
"Paperwork fuel delivery!" Bao announced cheerfully, slamming the cart next to Ne Job's desk. "Buy one meat bun, get a free ink brush!"
Ne Job grabbed a bun desperately. "Bless you, Bao. You're the only real friend I have in this cursed place."
Bao beamed. "Friendship surcharge: two extra buns."
---
Descent into Madness
Hours passed. The paperwork never shrank. If anything, it grew larger, leaning ominously over Ne Job like it was preparing to crush him.
He filled out one form, only for another three to appear demanding supplementary evidence.
He stamped a second, only for the ink to splatter and trigger the Bureau's automatic correction notice:
"ERROR: FORM REQUIRES FORM TO CORRECT FORM."
He was sweating ink by the time Yue walked past and casually asked, "How many have you finished?"
Ne Job's bloodshot eyes stared at the single, lonely completed form on his desk.
"…One."
Yue's expression didn't change. But the silence said everything.
Ne Job clutched his brush like a sword. "No. No, I won't lose. I am Ne Zha's reincarnation! I am the scourge of the seas! I won't be defeated by tree corpses bound with string!"
He leapt onto his desk, pointing dramatically at the mountain. "Hear me, foul bureaucracy! I declare war!"
At that exact moment, the pile wobbled. Then shifted. Then—
CRASH.
The entire continent of forms collapsed, burying Ne Job alive under an avalanche of urgent documents.
---
The Paperwork Apocalypse
When Ne Job clawed his way out, his hair was sticking up like a porcupine and his face was covered in ink stamps that read "DENIED."
The Bureau floor was now a wasteland of scattered forms. Other departments peeked over their cubicles, muttering in horror.
"This is it," one whispered. "The Great Paperwork Apocalypse has begun."
Another shivered. "It hasn't happened since the Forgotten God of Paperwork lost his stapler…"
Yue pinched the bridge of her nose. "Intern, what have you done?"
"I didn't mean to!" Ne Job wailed. "It fell on its own!"
Ao Bing sighed. "You've triggered a cascade filing error. The Bureau hates those. The penalty…"
From above, the ceiling cracked open. A glowing bureaucratic sigil formed, accompanied by the chilling voice of an unseen Judge:
"ATTENTION. CASCADE ERROR DETECTED. ALL FORMS WILL BE REASSIGNED… TO THE INTERN RESPONSIBLE."
And just like that, every loose form on the floor and in the air shivered—then flew together into one gigantic, writhing mass of paper. It merged, folded, and shaped itself into a towering golem of parchment and ink, eyes glowing with red "URGENT" stamps.
It roared, scattering shredded paper like snow.
Yue paled. "Oh no. You've awakened… the Form Golem."
Ne Job stared up at the monstrosity in horror. His brush trembled in his hand.
"This… this is my final boss, isn't it?"
The Form Golem took a step forward, the ground shaking under its bureaucratic weight.
Ne Job screamed.