Case File EG-L337
Verdict: Guilty
Charges: Cryptojacking, Egregious Cheating, Phishing, Selling Illegal Items
Sentence: Eternal Gamenation
Body: Digitized
Mind: Digitized
Name: Erased
High Score: Reset
Last Meal: Pancakes
Last Words: "A man chooses."
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A myriad of pixels assembled at the starting point. Within moments, the body of a young male formed and his dark brown eyes popped open. A quick glance helped familiarize him in the new environment. Basic stone ground with random patches of grass and bush that splintered the monotonous brown. The blue skies held oblong, horizontal clouds. The sun, beaming and angry, beat down with immense heat. Floating brick cubes were another key standout in this world. Across the barren lands were numerous small buildings, blocky stone hills, and giant green pipes. The pipes protruded out of the ground either straight up or at simple angles.
"Hmm," the digitized criminal checked his hands. Solid, and his consciousness seemed intact. Some fuzziness in his memory blocked out his name, but the important details and functions were fine. As tricky as it was, entering eternal gamenation wasn't going to stop him, "Well, looks like the cheat enabled. I'll have to work within their parameters now."
The Gamer jogged forward, stopped, juked side to side, and finished with a backflip. He rolled a shoulder and then his neck, "Responsive, and no lag or intrusive thoughts. Good - I'm not becoming an NPC anytime soon. Aaand...there's no tutorial for me. Ah, I'll figure it out as I go; nobody reads manuals anymore."
His outfit consisted of jeans and a white t-shirt with short sleeves. He honked his groin, and sighed in relief that his meat and tatters were intact. No backpack or satchel. He checked his pants pockets, but found nothing. He sighed with annoyance, "Jack squat; and I have no access to an inventory screen. I'm going to need to be careful. Who knows what kind of hellish landscape they've thrown me in. It's pretty barren...better find some actual NPCs to help me out."
Before a step was even taken, a gravelly, pitched voice called out from slightly above, "Hey! Are you a friend of Marco's?"
Gamer cast his sights up at one of the floating brick cubes. The cube jostled when it spoke, more animated than the still ones. Gamer raised an eyebrow, "How are you talking?"
"Looks are deceiving! I'm actually a shrooman. My brethren and I have been transformed by one of those shellie mages into these block forms!" the voice was shrill, and easily excitable.
"Exposition right off the bat. Oh, joy..."
"Do you know a guy named Marco? Plumber, blue overalls?"
"No, I don't know Marco. I just got here."
The block appeared to shiver as it breathed with relief, "Thank goodness. That fellow is a real piece of work, I tell ya. A right psychopath. I watched him obliterate a few of my brothers while we were like this..."
"Traumatic, cool...do you need any help?" Gamer honed in on the matter. First impressions go a long way with NPCs...the ones with dialogue, at least.
"You want to help me?" the block wiggled with shock.
"You said you were transformed, some psychopath is on the loose, and I have a pair of legs. Yeah, sure, why not?" Gamer shrugged.
"Oh, gracious! Thank you! You'll need to find the shellie mage. If this place is unfamiliar to you, shellies are noted by the outer shell they have, as well as their beaked lips. Find one with a wand, and you'll know you found the right one! My brothers whispered of one near the castle, just beyond those hills," the block explained. Though it could not point, it didn't take long to know which way it meant. A single large structure dominated the horizon, with no comparisons in sight. It was a red bricked castle that screamed loot, and was drenched in boss fight energy.
"Shells. Wands. Lips. Got it," Gamer started to walk away. However, ahead of Gamer, a bush began to rustle. What forced its way through the bush surprised Gamer more than anything thus far. A stubby pair of feet helped a brown, rounded creature waddle. Its body was one part, with a large face on the front. It bulged on the sides before narrowing at a rounded top. The face resembled that of somebody caught in the act of pleasure, including rosy cheeks. Its eyes were lulled and blissful, and its mouth hung open with a little bit of saliva dribbling out. Its heavy, paced breathing was timed with its waddled steps.
"Ah, watch out! It's a blushroom!" the block shrieked.
"Ow...my tinnitus. A blushroom, huh? Odd lookin' butt plug," Gamer watched it approach.
"Careful, friend! Blushrooms derive pleasure from every touch. They march around all day looking for things to rub, chew, lick, and even suck. They'll charge at anything that breathes, and try to smother you with its gaping maw!"
"Why's it look like a dick's head?" Gamer asked, feet from the blushroom.
"A what head?"
"Ah, forget it. The developers must be a bunch of weirdos," Gamer sidestepped the blushroom. The moment he moved, the blushroom stopped, snapped a glare at him, and began revving up its body. It bounced sideways and tried to tackle Gamer. He moved away again, since it wasn't exactly fast, and watched the blushroom fall over. Due to its round body, it rolled over and wobbled like an egg. Its little feet hectically kicked in the air. Though it panicked in its flipped state, its eyes were locked on Gamer like he was a sirloin on legs.
"Excellent dodge, friend, excellent dodge! Masterful skills, you have," the block praised.
"Pretty easy stuff. If this is the worst I have to worry about, this is going to be a cakewalk. Granted, I'm supposed to be mindless right now..." Gamer used a foot to nudge the blushroom. As hoped for, it spun like a top. It groaned, and that groan carried like a discordant note as it spun. Gamer chuckled, "It moans like a college virgin. Are these things really that dangerous?"
"They can be, but most consider them inconvenient. Marco simply kills each one he encounters..." the block shivered.
When the blushroom stopped spinning, it ended up facing Gamer. It held in noises by biting its lower lip. It was half the size of an average human, and came right up to the waist; the perfect height. Gamer patted the blushroom on the cheek. The touch led to the blushroom opening its mouth expectantly. For food, maybe, but Gamer's perverse mind went elsewhere.
"I've got somethin' you can gobble. But, best to test things first..." Gamer reached his hand into the mouth. It immediately clamped shut and sucked Gamer's arm in. He bumped into it, and yelled out at its expression of power. It sucked and sucked, as if trying to rip the meat from the bone. The block freaked out, but could do little in its form. Gamer gritted his teeth, ignored the pressure of a dislodging shoulder, and wiggled his fingers. He formed the international sex salute and rubbed around. As expected, it stimulated the blushroom and unlocked its mouth. It let out a healthy, girly sigh. Gamer retracted his arm. Pins and needles stung as blood rushed back to it. Gamer focused on petting the penis head monster.
"You know, if it wasn't for the fact you could circumcise a man with your mouth alone, we could have more fun. This will have to do," Gamer said. The blushroom happily moaned, its little feet kicking more succinctly with the rubs. Gamer made his play, "Luckily for me, your tongue seems to be a G-spot of sorts. How about we make a deal? You follow me around in these parts, and I rub you all over."
The blushroom nodded upside down, and Gamer helped it return right-side up. The blushroom stayed close, but did not tackle Gamer. He successfully pacified it. This shocked the floating block, "You befriended a blushroom?! I've never seen that before! That shouldn't be possible!"
Gamer grinned, "I got the magic touch, baby! With that said, I don't really have too many limits. You could say I'm a limit breaker."
"Incredible! Marco could learn a thing or two from you. Less slaughter, more slather!"
"Make love, not war. I only kick ass when I need to."
"What is ass?"
"Loot boxes...alright, we're off! Come, blushroom...but don't cum," Gamer edged the walking penis head towards the wasteland between them and the castle. It led the way, while Gamer kept close to its rear.
"Good luck! I'll try to let my brothers know to aid you on the way!" the shrillness of the shrooman pierced the air even with many more yards separating them.