"Baby, why are you crying?" A beautiful blonde-haired girl said to her boyfriend, a handsome black-haired boy who had tears accumulating in his eyes.
"Ah? I'm crying? It's probably tears of joy," William said with a smile while wiping the tears away.
His girlfriend, Sarah, looked at him then giggled. "You're too silly," she said, turning back to driving.
I'm sure the question on your mind is why a handsome black-haired boy like William was crying. Well, the reason was a really wicked one indeed.
You see, since William brought his handsomeness to this world, there was only one thing he had ever wanted.
To get laid.
You might think it's some impossible plot armor I built just to make this seem interesting, but it was sadly true. Not only William, but a lot of people suffer from similar problems.
Even with how handsome William was—with every girl falling for him, his teachers blushing when he smiled, random women slipping him their numbers at coffee shops, and even his step-mother behaving seductively towards him—none of them ever actually slept with him.
It was like he was cursed to never get laid.
Maybe it was fate playing a cruel joke. Maybe the universe had a twisted sense of humor. Whatever it was, William had tried everything. He'd been confident, he'd been shy, he'd been forward, he'd been patient. Nothing worked. Every single time things got heated, something would happen. A phone call. A sudden emergency. A change of heart. One girl literally got food poisoning right before they were about to do it.
Twenty years. Twenty goddamn years of blue balls and missed opportunities.
But tonight was different. Tonight, Sarah had suggested they go camping together. Alone. In the middle of nowhere. She'd even packed a tent big enough for "activities," she'd said with a wink that made his heart race.
This was it. His moment. The curse would finally break.
That's why he was crying—tears of overwhelming relief that his suffering might finally end.
---
Finally, their car reached the camping spot: the middle of nowhere, deep in the woods, surrounded by towering trees and nothing else. The sun was starting to dip below the horizon, painting the sky in shades of orange and purple.
"Finally, we're here," William said as he stepped outside and stretched. The scenery was nice and beautiful—the perfect place for a couple to fuck each other senseless. The air was crisp, the birds were chirping their last songs of the day, and there wasn't another soul for miles. No interruptions. No emergencies. Just him, Sarah, and a tent.
He could already imagine it. The campfire crackling softly. Sarah's hands running through his hair. The sound of the zipper on the tent. His twenty-year dry spell finally coming to an end.
"Baby, I'll be back in a bit. I have to take a piss," William said as he felt the sudden urge of water rushing through his system. Nerves, probably. Or all the energy drinks he'd chugged on the drive here to stay awake.
"Come back quickly, honey. I'm waiting~" Sarah said in a very seductive tone that made William's third leg stand at full attention.
"Oh my God, it's finally happening!" he muttered under his breath as he jogged toward a nearby bush, practically bouncing with excitement.
He unzipped his pants and sighed in relief as he started to pee. But then—
Something moved.
A low rustling sound came from the bushes in front of him.
"Huh?" William mumbled in confusion, squinting at the short green creature that suddenly peeped out from the leaves.
It had beady yellow eyes, a crooked nose, and jagged teeth that poked out from its twisted grin.
'Isn't this a goblin?' William thought, his brain struggling to process what he was seeing.
He turned his head slightly to the left. The goblin copied him, tilting its head in the same direction.
'What the hell...'
Before he could react, five more goblins suddenly jumped out of the bushes, surrounding him in a semi-circle. They were all chattering in some guttural language, holding crude wooden clubs and rusty blades.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" William shouted, stumbling backward and zipping up his pants as fast as he could. "What the fuck?!"
The goblins didn't wait. One of them lunged at him, swinging its club wildly. William barely dodged, tripping over a rock and landing hard on his back.
"Shit!" He rolled to the side just as another goblin brought its club down where his head had been a second ago.
His adrenaline kicked in. William scrambled to his feet, grabbed a thick branch from the ground, and swung it like a bat. It connected with the nearest goblin's skull with a sickening crack, and the creature crumpled to the ground, twitching.
"Holy shit, I killed it!" William panted, his hands shaking.
But the other five weren't impressed. They snarled and closed in, their eyes gleaming with malicious intent.
William swung the branch again, managing to knock another one back, but then two goblins tackled him from behind. He hit the ground hard, the wind knocked out of his lungs.
"Get off me!" he shouted, thrashing wildly. He managed to elbow one in the face and kick another away, but they kept coming.
Then he felt it—tiny, grimy hands yanking at his belt.
"What the—no, no, NO!" William screamed as they dragged his trousers down to his ankles.
The goblins chittered excitedly, pointing and laughing at him. And then he saw it in their eyes—the intent. The horrible, unmistakable intent.
'Oh God. Oh no. This is how it ends. I'm about to lose my virginity to a fucking goblin.'
"FUCK THAT!" William roared.
He grabbed the crude, blood-stained blade one of the dead goblins had dropped and, without thinking, plunged it into his own chest.
The pain was instant and overwhelming, but so was the relief.
'At least it wasn't a goblin.'
His vision blurred. The last thing he saw was Sarah's silhouette running toward him, screaming his name.
And then—
Nothing.